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Broken Yet Whole...(I think this is prose lol)
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Broken Yet Whole...(I think this is prose lol) |
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StarrGazer Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679Texas 
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I chose the cup with the broken handle. Coffee, Coffee, Coffee imprinted over and over again as if to remind you what you are drinking. I sit down at the table with you studying the chipped nubs of the once handle. Some chips are very deep, others only slightly noticeable. My fingers are mesmerized by the grooves, caressing the nubs, feeling the pits and crevices I think to myself this cup suits me describes my hectic confusing life at the moment. I was dropped, I fell, lost my handle on life, but I am still functional. I wonder if my scars are as visible as the chips. Am I that transparent thinking I'm fooling everyone but only fooling myself? Snapped out of my reverie I hear you saying, "Really, you did not have to use that cup!" How can I explain how I was drawn to the cup, broken yet whole, I shrug it off. Wondering if my thoughts are showing through I take a drink of the coffee, and as its warmth flows through my body, I change the subject. I talk about the kids driving me crazy, the 50 million things I have to get done and can never seem to get done, while absentmindedly caressing, feeling, and sharing a part of myself with the cup. I glance at the clock; sure that the mask of happiness is firmly in place, and I have fooled yet another I make excuses about errands I need to run and things I have yet to do. We slowly make our way to the door and say our good-byes. As I am walking away, you call out to me "That cup is my favorite I couldn't bear to throw it away, kind of weird it's broken but it's not" followed by a nervous giggle. I laugh along with you, but as I'm walking away I wonder if I am the only one with a mask; maybe everyone has their own little masks… Broken yet whole … maybe you've been there too |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
One of my favorite subjects! Masques/masks that we wear! Welcome to Prose, and yes, this is exactly that! I have a few suggestions if you'd like to hear them... Lemme know! Christopher |
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StarrGazer Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679Texas |
Christopher , thanks ... I'd love to hear your suggestions |
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Gossamerwings Member
since 2000-07-18
Posts 207 |
Yep, been there,done that!  This is also one of my favorite subjects. Very well done. I like your style.  Hmmmm,I am very interested in what Christopher will say about something that is near perfection. LOL Gossamerwings ;) |
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StarrGazer Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679Texas |
Thanks Gossamerwings  I doubt this piece is anywhere near perfect though,I wasn't sure how to format it at all, I'm so use to writing poetry and making line breaks that it seemed so strange to actually put one or two sentances together and leave them that way lol also I'm sure the theme could use a little work as well but ty for the vote of confidence I was really hesitant to post here not knowing anything about writing prose but you know once you hit that send button its not all that bad |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Perfection is a concept, never a reality! There is no such animal! Everyone can stand improvement! K, SG mind that this is all opinion and meant in a constructive manner! The first thing I want to comment on, is the length of your paragraphs. I know it's hard to hit that enter key more than once, but don't push yorself that hard! In review, I think you could have gotten away with only seven, max eight paragraphs.Now, I'm going to do a paragraph by paragraph break down of the content: I chose the cup with the broken handle. Coffee, Coffee, Coffee imprinted over and over again as if to remind you what you are drinking. First thing I might change her is the "chose" to "choose." The rest of the piece works well in a present tense and there's no reason to shift here! Next, I like what you did with the repetitive (though I might have used a dash instead of commas) use of the word coffee and then the explanation. "Imprints" is definitely the case... the hallmark of advertising! I sit down at the table with you studying the chipped nubs of the once handle. This here reads a bit difficult. The way you've written it makes one think "he" is the one studying the cup while you're sitting down. A possible way to re-write: "As I sit with you at the table, I begin studying the chipped nubs of what once was a handle." My fingers are mesmerized by the grooves, caressing the nubs, feeling the pits and crevices I like the imagery here, I can picture your fingers slowly running across the cup. However, you might want to look at the way you've joined "caressing the nubs" with the rest. It feels out of place worded that way! I think to myself this cup suits me describes my hectic confusing life at the moment. I was dropped, I fell, lost my handle on life, but I am still functional. You might want to insert some sort of break in between "...cup suits me" and "describes my hectic..." Perhaps a comma, or begin a new sentence. I do love the analogy. I bet we've all felt that way at one time or another. I know I have! Good, creative way to express it! I wonder if my scars are as visible as the chips. Am I that transparent thinking I'm fooling everyone but only fooling myself? The only thing for this one, is to add a comma after "transparent" Other than that, I think it's great! This is one of the few that would stand as a paragraph itself! Snapped out of my reverie I hear you saying, "Really, you did not have to use that cup!" Hmmm... OK, nothing with this one!!! How can I explain how I was drawn to the cup, broken yet whole, I shrug it off. Perhaps here you might want to go a little more in-depth. Say how you smile and consider the implications..."broken yet whole..." It just seems a bit sudden. Like there's nothing between what he's asked and your mental response. Wondering if my thoughts are showing through I take a drink of the coffee, and as its warmth flows through my body, I change the subject. Would definitely end "... take a drink of the coffee." -there. And start the next as a new sentence! I love the change of subject though! It's hard to divulge feelings straight out sometimes! I talk about the kids driving me crazy, the 50 million things I have to get done and can never seem to get done, while absentmindedly caressing, feeling, and sharing a part of myself with the cup. I would consider giving a better sequey between the conversation and your actions. Nothing big, just something minor, perhaps a "all the while, I'm caressing..." type thing! I like how you show us that while you're discussing, you still haven't let your attention divert from the comparison of the cup! I glance at the clock; sure that the mask of happiness is firmly in place, and I have fooled yet another I make excuses about errands I need to run and things I have yet to do. Cool. love this one. I'm not feeling comfortable, but he thinks I am... now I'm outta here. Only thing: I'm sure it was jsut a typo, but you need a period after "...yet another" We slowly make our way to the door and say our good-byes. My only question, is why slowly? Could you flesh it out a bit more and explain? As I am walking away, you call out to me "That cup is my favorite I couldn't bear to throw it away, kind of weird it's broken but it's not" followed by a nervous giggle. Great! You've brought another "player" into the comparison, while at the same time not completely giving it away. You show that just perhaps, "he" understands too. The only things in this are punctuation... You need a comma after "...call out to me" & something between "wierd" and "broken." However you choose to do it! Also, some kind of joining between the end of his dialogue and the action afterward! I laugh along with you, but as I'm walking away I wonder if I am the only one with a mask; maybe everyone has their own little masks… Nothing with this one. Yep, again, I agree, I think we all do in some form or another! Good to see the character is extroverted enough to see that she's not the only one perhaps! Broken yet whole … maybe you've been there too Beautiful! Love the recognition. Through the piece, I've felt that there is some sort of tension between the characters. And with this ending, you've hinted with just enough force that perhaps there could be some sort of understanding developing which may lead to a "better" relationship. I know this kind of looks bad, but mostly it's punctuation. I think that as a comparison, this is a wonderful piece! I love the analogy, it fits well within your explanation and as the reader I can totally relate... and that is important! Great! Christopher |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! |
Oh yeahhhhh we have all been there I have to agree with Christopher, we all have some form of mask Great read Starrgazer |
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StarrGazer Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679Texas |
Thanks Christopher, I'll have to re-work it using your suggestions. I wasn't at all sure how to write this, as I said I'm use to writing poetry, but the way I had the paragraphs broke down was kind of choppy to me. Your suggestions really help to smooth it out ... Thanks again Thanks Jeffery |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Glad I could be of assistance! |
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EWDrake Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 183NC, USA |
StarrGazer, this is simply wonderful. I have this cup, old and heavy. It's long past the white stage; the exterior is minutely cracked with finite fissures, like character sketches in thick ceramic. I may never look at it again the same. And the line... I wonder if my scars are as visible as the chips. Am I that transparent thinking I'm fooling everyone but only fooling myself? ...exqusite! Evan < !signature--> With a long held breath given dark freedom, the single flame in sorrow's window flickers out. ~EWD~ [This message has been edited by EWDrake (edited 08-02-2000).] |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Starrgazer, Firstly, let me tell you how much I enjoyed this... ... immensely enjoyed... Chris has said all that one could have said. Yes, paragraphing is needed and a look into punctuation is also. Except the first sentence everything else looks in the present tense... "chose". I would personally take out the "..." from the last line and put a hyphen instead and an exclamation (perhaps) at the end. Thanks for hearing me out, regards, sudhir |
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