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when you left
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when you left |
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minneouw New Member
since 2000-06-19
Posts 6 |
And the words became black snowflakes, landing all around me, on my eyelashes, on my lips, choking me with their bitter sadness and painful truths. His eyes became like silver and black orbs, glaring hypnotically with their blinding light until I could bear to look no more but had no choice, gazing unblinkingly until my sight deserted me. When he looked away and turned as if to end his journey I had no choice but to grip his hand until I lost all feeling in my fingers, the cold travelling up my arm and through my body, stopping only when it had frozen my heart. And the tears froze onto my lashes so that crystal shards pierced and blinded me when I blinked, and stabbing pain shot through my chest with every convulsion of my dying heart. And so I stood frozen, black snowflakes in my hair and on my shoulders, staring into the wintry void of your eyes, for your eyes had long since failed to see, and your heart had long since given up its habitual beat, your lips so blue I yearned to press them to my own to bring back their colour, if I had only been able. I think you left me then, but my hand was so numb with cold that I didn’t feel your fingers slipping from my own, my sightless eyes couldn’t reveal to me your absence, and my body, having become accustomed to the biting pain and cold, wasn’t aware of the respite when the painful beating of my heart finally ceased. |
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LadySofia Member
since 2000-05-16
Posts 238FL., USA |
This was well written. I loved the way in which you worded this! It was almost like a story, or a poem, but it was definitely prose! I enjoyed this piece, and I recommend to you, "(A Millenium) Frozen in Time", a poem I wrote which you may find is quite similar to this, although on a grander scale of men... I hope you have found other loves to chase, and again, this was brilliant. ^_^ Amanda Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate, Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date. Sometimes too hot the eye of heaven shines, And often is his gold complexion dimmed; And every fair from fair sometimes declines, By chance or nature's changing course, untrimmed. But thy eternal summer shall not fade, Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st; Nor shall death brag thou wand'rest in his shade, When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st. So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this gives life to thee. William Shakespeare |
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minneouw New Member
since 2000-06-19
Posts 6 |
I read your poem and I loved it! You're right, the two are similar. Thanks for the comments, I hope I'll be seeing more of your poetry. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Minneouw: This is very well worded. I enjoyed the imagery (even if it was a tad depressing  ) and it evoked the familiar image of the final scene of Titanic when Leo succumbed to the sea and was lost to Kate. Good work.Jim |
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Silkdragon Member
since 2000-06-24
Posts 65 |
Very good story, and welcome to Passions! I myself have just gotten started here. I really enjoyed your imagery, very well done. I just had one question, though, and that was about the transition from "him" to "you". It was a little confusing at first, though it didn't detract noticably. I enjoyed this very much, though, and I will look for more of your work!  Erin |
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Dawn Eclipse Senior Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 637The Horsehead Nebula |
Wow! That had some great details in it! I must say, you are a wonderful author. Keep up the great work.. and I'll look forward to reading more. Welcome to passions. "The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper." Eden Phillpotts *Cassandra Roseen* |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
And a grand entrance. I enoy the darkness of this. Life is rarely sun and roses. The dark side can convey an amazing amout of feeling as well. The way you characterized the grief of the woman easily painted all the love she had as well. Babam! Well done, I look forward to more! Christopher |
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