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The 9th circle of Hell
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The 9th circle of Hell |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697
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(Just a note- this IS fiction. Nothing like this has happened to me) They say that the past shouldn’t haunt you. What’s done is done, they say. Well, maybe they’re right. But then again, they probably don’t have a past like I do. My past has always haunted me, and always will. It’s a small price to pay for what I did, though. I deserve much worse, and I’ll probably get it, sooner or later. But I don’t know what could be worse than living with what I did. It haunts me constantly. Every night, whenever it seems as if I’m going to get a few hours of sleep, a few hours of escape from the hell that is my life, I see it again. Over and over again, I see it. I constantly re-live it, as I do in my waking hours. But in the day, it’s only shadows and voices. At night, it’s real. It’s hellishly real. I see and hear everything. And at those moments I know that I’m in hell. I guess you’re probably wondering what I did to deserve this. Well, I did the worst thing that anyone could ever do. It’s made me worthy of the 9th circle of hell that I live in now. Well, I guess you want to know the whole story. I might as well. It all started two years ago. It was our freshman year in high school. An exiting time for us all, with harder classes, learner’s permits, and more “mature” boyfriends. I had several of these “mature” boyfriends. How could they resist me? I’m tall, blond, well built, and young. Also, I wasn’t afraid to do whatever these boys wanted. I actually looked forward to sex I always got, and I ignored the comments I knew were being made about me. They could never know how it felt to be love. (Ha, I thought it was love then) I lost a lot of friends that year, but one stuck by me. She was closer than a sister, and more understanding than any of my family ever was. She was family. Her name was Maryann, and despite of our differences, she always stuck by me. We were as different as day and night. She was overweight, with brown hair and eyes. She was still a virgin, and she had only been kissed once. Despite of all this, she understood why I did all these things with the boys. She would sit patiently and listen as I told her of all these things, and she never preached to me. She made it known that she disapproved, in her own quiet way, but she never did it in a way that offended me. She would just say “Caroline, you know I care about you. What if something happens to you?” Well, I never heeded these warnings, to her disappointment. After a little while, she would just say, “Be careful, I don’t know what I would do without you.” But then things changed with Roger. Roger went to another school, and Maryann met him on the Internet. He was moderately popular, had a nice car, and was much older. He was about to graduate, and I had a bad feeling about him from the start. But Maryann didn’t see any of this. She just listened to his sweet talk, and fell madly in love with him. You would never really know it, but Maryann was starved for affection. Her family basically ignored her, and she never had a close boyfriend. She had a bad self-image, and she fell in love as soon as Roger said she was “cute”. It doesn’t sound like much, but it was much more than anyone else bothered to say to her. Whenever I told her I thought he was bad news, she never got angry with me, she just said “But Caroline, how could someone who is so kind and loves me so much be a bad person?” I couldn’t argue with her. Hadn’t she stood by me all this time, never preaching to me about the things I did, and feverantly denying any rumor that came around about me, although she knew that they were all true? Anyway, I started to have second thoughts about Roger as time went by. They were dating pretty steadily, and he seemed like a good guy. They were really lovey-dovey, sometimes to the point that no one wanted to be around them. Things were going really well with them. Maryann started to change, but for the better. She lost some weight, and she went out more. She also had this glow that no one could explain, and she seemed to finally see how valuable she was. But that all ended one day. It was about 1:30 in the morning on a Saturday night. I was downstairs watching late-night TV when I heard a fast, nervous knock at the door. I opened it to find Maryann, her eyes filled with tears, and one eye a sick shade of greenish-purple. I hurried her in the house and asked her what happened. “Roger…” was all she managed to get out before she broke down. After she calmed down some, she told me the whole story. “Roger thought that I was cheating on him, because I said I didn’t want to have sex with him yet. I swore that there was no one else. There’s no one else.” she said, as if she was still trying to convince him. “Then he said he didn’t believe me. He called me a slut and then…” “That’s it!” I said. I picked up the phone. “I’ll call Josh (my latest), and he’ll kick his ass! Miserable little…” “No!” Maryann said, jumping out of her seat and slamming the phone down. “Please don’t!” “Why not?” I asked, “He deserves worse!” “Please, you’ll just make it worse for me. Just help me hide it. You know a lot about make up, and I don’t know anything. I have to go to church tomorrow morning, and everyone will see and wonder what happened if I don’t hide it. Then Roger would get in trouble, and then I could never see him again!” “YOU WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN!?!” I screamed. “Why do you want to see that miserable little boy again?” “I love him” Maryann whispered. “Jesus Christ!” I yelled. Then I remembered all the night I had come to her. I had done worse, much worse, and she never yelled or screamed at me. “I’ll help you cover it up. Just be careful. I don’t know what I could do without you.” So, I helped her cover it up. Again and again. It never stopped. She would come to me at least twice a week, broken in body and spirit, and I would try to put her back together again the best I could, and trying to convince her to leave him. She never would. She would just say, “I love him, I love him”. One time, when he nearly broke her nose, I got sick of it and threatened to call the police. She pleaded with me not to. “Have you heard of the 9 circles of hell?” she asked. “No!” I said, wondering what hell had to do with anything. She said “The 9th and worst circle of hell is for those who betray their friends and family. I never betrayed you. I lied for you, I lost other friends for you, and I lost my reputation for you, without a second thought. Would you betray me so quickly? I love you like a sister.” So I didn’t betray her. Or so I thought. The day of his graduation, she came to me. She looked so beautiful that day, dressed in a white and black dress. She told me that he wanted to see her alone, and that she had decided to break up with him. I had a bad feeling about this right away, and pleaded with her to break up with him at a restaurant or somewhere public, but she needed privacy, she said. “Well, I’ll call you tonight and tell you how it went. Goodbye” she said. Well, I got a phone call that night, but not from her. It was from her cousin, who went to school with us. He sounded shocked as he told me what had happened. They had driven out to the mountains for some privacy after the graduation parties. It was a beautiful spot where I had gone many times before to get “privacy”. He said that there wasn’t a sign of struggle, but one of the old timers that live up there said he heard a woman scream, then two shots. They were both found dead in the front seat of his ’99 Mustang. Suicide, he said. He said they couldn’t bear being apart while he went to college. I knew what really happened. I killed my best friend. I betrayed her. I could have saved her life easily, but I betrayed her. I see it all the time. In the day, it’s just voices and shadows, but at night, it’s so real. I see the beautiful view, and I see Maryann. Gentle Maryann, trying to talk to Roger. “I love you Roger, but I don’t understand why you hurt me. I love you, and you say you love me. Why do you hurt me?” “Baby, you make me hurt you.” “What do I do to make you hurt me? Tell me, and I’ll stop” “Give me something to remember you by. I’m going to UCLA in a few months. I want something to remember you by.” “Roger, stop! I can’t do that! I don’t want to do that. I want to wait. Why can’t you wait, Roger?” “I knew it! You’re sleeping around! I knew you were bad news, why else would you hang around with that slut Caroline all the time?” “Don’t talk about my best friend like that!” “It’s true! It’s true, by God! You’re cheating on me! Slut!” “Don’t call me that! Roger, what are you getting? Roger?” I hear it every night. It’s my hell. I live in the 9th circle of hell. Like Maryann said, the worst place there is, reserved for those who betray their friends and family. I could have helped her, so easily. But I didn’t. I betrayed her. And now, she’s dead. Sometimes, I hear her. She calls out to me from her grave, from the dust from which she came. She cries out to me, asking me “why, why?” I don’t know why. I just wanted the best for you, like you wanted for me. I don’t know what I’m going to do, now that you’re gone. I killed my best friend. That’s my past, my present, and my future. I’m not afraid of what’s going to happen to me after I die. There’s nothing worse that Satan can do to me. I’ve done it to myself. < !signature--> "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -Oscar Wilde [This message has been edited by LoveBug (edited 06-14-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Erica N. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
Hrm, Im not sure what to say, but this is very powerful, and better than anything I could imagine writing  This just reeks of remorse and pain over deeds done that shouldnt have been done. The fact that this is fiction makes it all the better. Fabricating such emotions so truthfully is a gift, and it can take you far. |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Poignant tale.. very poignant.. You've written a great tale here. An excellent read and wonderful writing.. Really enjoyed this one, quite a work! The Ninth circle.. the Frozen Lake of Cocytus where Satan is imprisoned in that ice, frozen by the eternal flapping of his great wings... His three faces gnaw endlessly on the bodies of the three great betrayers, Judas Iscariot, and Brutus and Cassius the betrayers of Ceasar.< !signature--> Abrahm Simons "In a moment lies eternity And in a kiss resides forever" - Krista Knutson my bestest friend! [This message has been edited by Dusk Treader (edited 06-14-2000).] |
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Dawn Eclipse Senior Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 637The Horsehead Nebula |
LoveBug, this is a wonderful tale. It captured my attention from the beginning. Sadly though, there are many instances in the world just like this, that arent' fiction. Things just like this that really do happen. Great story! "Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying." Harry Anderson, "Night Court" *Cassandra Roseen* |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
And not ever having had that mindset, I find it difficult to comprehend how someone could. But I suppose we all determine our self worth in different ways. I had a very good friend (don't know where she's at now, sigh) who was constantly "searching" her next abusive relationship. She seemed like a magnet for jerks. And while she didn't like what they did to her, she never stopped them. Sad, and thank you for bringing to light. |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
yes, it was powerful and i'm glad it wasn't about you, it was very drawing for the reader. Kathleen "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace." Elizabeth Barrett Browning |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
yes, it was powerful and i'm glad it wasn't about you, it was very drawing for the reader. Kathleen "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace." Elizabeth Barrett Browning |
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Angel in Flight Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 381 |
This is WONDERFUL!!!! Although, I thought we could not have anything to do with suicide or people killing one another posted, or did I miss interpret your work? If so I am sorry. Keep searching, we are here, you only have to find us.~ Amanda [This message has been edited by Angel in Flight (edited 02-11-2001).] |
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Swamp¤Faeryie Member
since 2000-12-04
Posts 393fairyland....of course;) |
who was the jackass that said the past can't hurt you? Do i contradict myself?Very well i contradict myself.I contain multitudes.~walt whitman |
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