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To Dad
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To Dad |
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StarPryncess17 Senior Member
since 2000-05-31
Posts 932Colorado |
THIS IS A LETTER I WROTE TO MY FATHER, BUT NEVER GAVE TO HIM. IT HURT TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HURT HIS FEELINGS--WHEN YET, HE HURT MINE EVEN WORSE. I GUESS I JUST COULDN'T INFLICT PAIN ON ANYONE SUCH AS THE PAIN I HAD RECEIVED. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU ALL THINK.  In a desperate, yet pointless attempt to “win” love from a person I thought loved me over the last fifteen years I am throwing in the towel. I’ve tried and tried to make you see what you are doing to me. And after the most dramatic attempt I found that you still pushed me aside. I have had to pick my heart up off the floor by myself time and time again and I have now found that no matter how hard I try for the rest of my life the pieces will never ever fit again. I didn’t think that I was asking too much when I asked to spend time with you. I didn’t think that you would mind spending time with me, your daughter, I didn’t think I was being selfish, but I guess I was and I am no longer asking for that. I told you that I sat there and watched everything that you went through when you had to deal with the “court thing” and for that specific reason I don’t like Debbie. I don’t care what you say there was no reason for that, I thought that we were friends, I sat there and I was there for you, but where were you when I needed you the most? I don’t see why it is so hard for you to love me and care for me like you should. I just can’t see how you can do this to me. You’ve made your decision and now I am going to make one of the hardest and most painful ones of my life; and that is to let you live your life. I no longer want to be a burden or an inconvenience to you so I am saying move on and live your life. I don’t want you to feel that I am holding you back in any way. I tried so hard to make you love me, and after so much pain and anguish, I am done hurting, I’m done crying myself to sleep and I’m done worrying whether or not you are ever going to forget that you even have a daughter that has loved you unconditionally after 15 years despite the things you’ve done. We’re not all perfect, but you have exceeded your acceptable number of mistakes and I don’t see why you can’t understand the hurt that you’ve put me through. It’s funny how we can think the world of someone despite what they’ve done to us, but finally we just break and can’t handle anymore. I can only take so much, dad, and this is where I stop. I stop being the loving person that I am and say, I’m tired of not being cared about, this is where I say that you have hurt me enough and I’m tired of it. I have never felt so cold in my entire life. I can’t believe that you can’t see that I loved you so much and just push me aside. Well, it’s not my fault you are throwing away the best thing in your life! I was the only one who loved you no matter what. So I guess that just makes it worse for me considering that you didn’t love me back. At least that is what you’ve shown me. So I guess that this is good-bye. Good-bye dad. Best of Luck in Life! As Always~ Jessica Lynn Please feel free to pick it apart! Maybe with a little help and advice I can actually get the guts to give it to him.  "Love is the product of our discontentment with ourselves." "Bleeding hearts release tears of fire" "work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt,and live everyday as if it's your last" |
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Aimster Member Elite
since 2000-02-19
Posts 4297Charlotte, NC |
Jess~ this broke my heart. yes seems you and i do have much in common. i am having problems with my father as well...though not quite like you are with yours. i guess problems is an understatement. mine loves me...too much if you will. if you'd ever like to chat my email address is aimster377@yahoo.com. i'm a good listener and would love to chat or whatever if you'd like. this was the saddest thing i've ever read and just seems maybe you and i can learn together or from one another? im only 23 and don't claim to know a lot about life. but i can always use a friend. take care  ~amy~ "Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is before you can meet again. And meeting again after a moment or a lifetime is certain for those who are friends." "Fate exists but it can only take you so far, Because once you're there It's up to you to make it happen." |
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StarPryncess17 Senior Member
since 2000-05-31
Posts 932Colorado |
Amy~ well, I definately can relate to not knowing much about life. But then again I still a teenager and have much of my life to live as do you. I will definately take you up on the offer to chat. I could use someone to listen and understand what it's like to be me. as people claim they do but truthfully they don't. It's nice to be able to just talk every now and then and have some one listen and not pretend like they ar e listening. lol I'd e-mail right now, but I'm a little tipsy and very tired. I think I'll go pass out now. You can expect an e-mail from me tomorrow...well, later today I suppose. lol. considering the fact that it is almost 2.  well hun. thxs for caring! Love 2 love ya! Love Always ~*~Jessica~*~ "Love is the product of our discontentment with ourselves." "Bleeding hearts release tears of fire" "work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt,and live everyday as if it's your last" |
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StarPryncess17 Senior Member
since 2000-05-31
Posts 932Colorado |
well, guess what Amy? I did it. I gave it to him. it broke my little heart and I cried for hours on end. but right then at that very instant when I handed it to him, I knew that it was over. All my pain was over. yeah, I'll miss him and it will hurt, but not nearly as bad as the pain I was going through. thanks so much for your support and inspiarion!!! Love ya Love Always~*~Jessica~*~ "Love is the product of our discontentment with ourselves." "Bleeding hearts release tears of fire" "work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt,and live everyday as if it's your last" |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
This piece really touched me. I can relate to it extremely well, as my father's actions are very much like your father's actions. I'm glad that you decided to give this to him, and I hope it helped you. Best of luck in the future. "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -Oscar Wilde |
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jfreak Member
since 1999-06-17
Posts 306Yuma, AZ, USA |
Hey there Princess, Just wanted to say a lil word to you. I know what I am about to say is most likely going to be hard to swallow...but...here it goes. If you truly want to be free from the pain...then the best way is to just forgive him and don't hold it against him. Now so you know I am not just talking out my anus...here is a little bit about me. I grew up in an extremely abusive household. My father beat my mother unmercifully. Beat my sister and I also. Abused us mentally. My mother is a very beautiful woman, but I never realized until she married my step-dad, my DAD, just how beautiful she was. That was b/c my father never made her feel that way. My father just destroyed every dream that I ever had and told me I could never be anything. I still sometimes struggle with believing that I can accomplish my new dreams. My DAD is helping me and being a Marine has given me new confidence. But I can honestly say, that what truly freed me from my father's influence was the day I just forgave him. He no longer had control over me. He no longer influenced me negatively, b/c I didn't hold any grudges and let go of all the wrongs and just "forgot", b/c you can never truly forget, what he did. (The memories will always be there, but the way those memories affect you is up to you) See when I think back now, I feel no pain whatsoever. I am almost thankful, b/c I wouldn't be as strong in character now as I am if I hadn't been threw those fires. I hope you understand all I have said. Please just really think about it... Jfreak |
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StarPryncess17 Senior Member
since 2000-05-31
Posts 932Colorado |
J~ you know, you're right! and I am VERY VERY sorry to hear of your pain  However I am glad to hear that you are a stronger person b/c of it all. I too am a stronger person now. But I must say it is not that easy to forgive my father for what he has done. watching him cry to me like a baby for hours really got to me. and it was all b/c of his stupid immature girlfriend and how she decided it would be fun to go to the police and tell them that my father hit her. I was there. He NEVER once touched her. And in her pride he recieved one year of probation and 26 classes which cost $30 a class. And of course he had to spend money on a lawyer and he spent one night in prison. When he did absolutely NOTHING. Which I found to be very disheartening; but if that wasn't enough, when I told him that I no longer wanted to be around her b/c of what she did and how I sat there and wathced him hurt the way he did , he told me that he wasn't willing to put his life on hold for me. Explain to me how 4 days out of the month when I ask him to spend those days with me, his daughter, and he tells me no he's not puttong his life on hold to do that for me, imagine how I felt, I felt worthless, I felt like nothing and I felt like I had no purpose in life, therefore no reason to live. I attempted suicide, but was very lucky to be found and taken care of. I know it wasn't and shouldn't have been the answer to the problem so please spare me that, b/c I've heard it frome everyone invloved, but at the selfish age of 14 it seemed like it didn't matter--that I didn't matter. I had lost my best friend to a selfish controlling B****. That was what hurt the most, that after all she did to him, he still chose her over me. I know it would probably be easier to forgive him, and I will DEFINATELY consider it, but my heart is still very broken condidering that this still goes on, and it is hard for me to forgive him after everything he has done. I mean, there is more to the story A LOT more, stuff that might make you understand a little more, but I don't think everyone needs to know. Maybe I'll e-mail you. I'm glad you found freedom in forgiveness, and hope maybe someday I will be able to also. thanks for your advice! I hope everything is better for you now! Love Always ~*~Jessica~*~ "Love is the product of our discontentment with ourselves." "Bleeding hearts release tears of fire" "work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt,and live everyday as if it's your last" |
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Dawn Eclipse Senior Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 637The Horsehead Nebula |
As in all of the others, this broke my heart. Why parents do this to their children we'll never know. Just keep your chin up, and things will work out in the end. Sometimes not quite as we wanted them to, but it will. Best of wishes to you "Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying." Harry Anderson, "Night Court" *Cassandra Roseen* |
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StarPryncess17 Senior Member
since 2000-05-31
Posts 932Colorado |
Dawn~thank you so much for the kind words. I hope it'll work out...maybe. This is very difficult and going through it all as a teenager is heart shattering. But it has also made me a stronger person and made me realize what I truly stand for... Thanks for the relpy. Love Always~*~Jessica~*~ ~*~Love is the product of our dicontentment with ourselves~*~ ~*~SMILE! It makes your butt shine!~*~ |
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Fairy Princess Member
since 2000-07-19
Posts 64Fitchburg Ma, USA |
Hey Jess! Nicly writen! There are some poems that I have of my dad. I don't like to share them cause I start to cry. It's not easy you've seen my poem about my dad if you haven't it's called "Goodbye Dad" I wrote it the day that he died. It wasn't easy but I did it. I hope someday I become a poet thats my dream. I love to write and read poems. Cya ~*~The Fairy Princess~*~ ~*~What you see is what you get~*~ |
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StarPryncess17 Senior Member
since 2000-05-31
Posts 932Colorado |
Like I've said before Minna~do not say good bye to your dad. Eventually you'll see him again. It may be a logn while but you'll see him. I hope you do become a poet! You are very talented. You lost your dad to a disease, well I guess I lost my dad to one too...her name is Debbie. sorry that was mean, but it is pretty much the truth. Anyways I hope everything is ok with you and keep your head up you'll do just fine. Love Always~*~Jessica~*~ *~* I wIsH I wAs A LiTTlE gIrL aGaIn; SkInNeD kNeEs AnD bRuIsEd ElBoWs ArE eAsIeR tO hEaL tHaN a BrOkEn HeArT!*~* |
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Ardonida Member
since 2000-05-18
Posts 76 |
Hey there, I read this letter, and I am glad that you gave it to your dad. Most of the time, parants are not even aware of yur feelings, no matter that yu tell them. I am sure after your dad read this letter, he had a lot to think about, and is probably trying really hard to work things out. Just let him love. And help him to. I sure wish that if I my daughter were to write a letter to her daddy, or even me, like that, I would be happy because then at least I would know, and try to make things right, You are a brave young girl, but dont let those painfull memories stop you from caring for your dad. Hun, it took me 10 Years to speak to my mother again after an insidant, and today she is ill. I so wish that I could have had more time with her, or build more memories. But instead I spend 10 years blaming her and being angry at her. If only I wrote a letter... You did well. You did right, and I will ask the Goddess to keep you in her mind... AND all others like you. It also warmed my heart reading the response from some of the other youngsters. I am glad to see that in all this havoc called "life" you are a brave bunch who refuse to give up and give in... WELL DONE>> A. |
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StarPryncess17 Senior Member
since 2000-05-31
Posts 932Colorado |
Ardonida~Hey there, thanks for replying with such kind words. Unfortunately my dad read this letter and continues his behavior. He is happy with the life that he chose and doesn't want me to be a part of it. I wish so much that I didn't have to go through the pain that have had to deal with. I wish so much that I didn't have to go through the most difficult years of my life with out my dad. But I do and all I can do is live my life to the fullest...with out my dad.Although I'm upset with him for what he has done to me, I forgive him deep within my heart. I just choose to keep thaty part to myself. He doesn't need to know the control that he has over me. I'm sorry about your mother. I hope that you two can work things out and everything will be ok. Don't live your life regretting how much you resented your mother, just learn from your mistakes. Keep your head up and I'll do my best to do the same. Love Always~*~Jessica~*~ ~*~Why is it that love always starts with a hug, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear?~*~ |
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Erin Member Elite
since 2000-06-15
Posts 2527~Chicago~ |
jessica~~~i am sorry that your dad still feels this way. my mom is the same way. i just dont have the courage to say and do what you say. its just like why should i waste my breath when i know that nothing is ever gonna change even if she says it gonna. i just talked to her after not talking to her in over 2 months. she did something (i would tell you but i really dont want to write a book right now) and i got into a fight with her. and when i talked to her she tried to tell me i owe her an apology. there are somethings i dont care to ask my dad to buy me so i ask my mom and does she help NO. she disappeared from my life 4 years ago. and the only reason she came around again is cause my sister had a baby. and thats the only reason she comes around. that crushed my heart when she said that. honestly i dont think that you should try to bother with your dad. if he is gonna choose a girlfriend over his daughter (like my mom did to me by choosing her boyfriend over her kids) its not worth wasting the time or your breath. cause you know that he may say he is gonna change but he doest just like my mom did. and you know what i think that its better that way for me. it just took me so long to realize it. you know that i am here to talk if you ever want to. i feel the pain that you are going through. and you know what it hurts like hell. just thank god that you have your mom there for you. < !signature--> ~No one is worth your tears, and the one who is wont make you cry~ ~We all cant be stars but we all can twinkle~ [This message has been edited by ERIN (edited 08-06-2000).] |
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I_dont_know_me Junior Member
since 2003-12-08
Posts 48UK, Cymru |
accordign to the dates shown above this was written in 2000! but i hasd to reply your poem made me realise how lucky i am to havesuch a clse an sucsessful-ish relaioship with my parents i hope evrything turned out ok? well thanks for making me grateful and glad of wat i have peace and love xxx emma xxx |
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