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~*Pedestal*~
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~*Pedestal*~ |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA 
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~*PEDESTAL*~ I remember the sickening smell of his cigarettes and the way that he would pace up and down the hall, down and up and back again over and over as my eyes filled with tears - uncontrollable, so that I could not see clearly for hours. I couldn't get him to love me. I tried. I failed trying. It was easy to cry, all too common, but, it was hard to try to hide my pain from my Mom. She was smiling. She always smiled when she came home from work. I could be sure of that. For a moment, her smile made me feel secure, but, I just cried as usual. I think it hurt her as much as it hurt me. She was strong - she hid her tears...for me. She swallowed the bitterness of my sorrow, my pain and my confusion, as well as her own. She had to be strong. She was my pedestal. Some people say that I'm the most critical person they know. It's my defense mechanism. I'm probably more critical of myself. I am afraid of embarrassment, dissapointment and rejection. But, mostly, I am afraid to fail trying. I don't value myself. I've never been fond of how my father treated me, I just got used to it, and started to believe that I really was a nobody. What else could a child do? I sometimes attract those who take advantage of me or use me as their stepping stone to lift them up. I have the disease to please. Maybe my father, I call him by his first name now - Ernest, was right, I am worthless. He used to say that a lot to me when I was little when he had his angry rages. Maybe I'll learn that I'm just stupid, not capable of anything. That would kill my Mom. That would kill me. So, I just don't try anymore. Competing or trying could lead to failure. I now help others to succeed. I am a platform for my friends. It makes me content to see my friends happy. Being a pedestal means that I am wanted, needed; and in a sense that I am important, even if it means being used. If I pretend that my feelings don't count, that I am strong - unbreakable, made of stone -perfect even, then maybe no one would ever find fault. Sometimes I feel that I care more about others than they care about me, but, I guess that's okay because I am a crutch for everyone. If I am perfect or flawless, then maybe, just maybe, Ernest would then love me and maybe it would make up for everything that he did to my Mom and I. I know that my Mom now needs me to acheive the impossible, to make up for the mistakes that she made, to be the perfect daughter, and to make up for the children that she wanted to have, but, coudln't have because of Ernest. She needs me to lead a better life than she did. She wants me to be happy. I suppose that every parent wants their child to be happy. But, now, I am her pedestal, I have to be strong...for her. Ernest dissapointed her, so I must never be a dissapointment. But, I ask you, how does a crippled bird learn to fly again? It used to be so easy as a child, I'd fall, then pick myself up again unscathed. But, now, I fall harder and harder, and it's difficult to pick myself up without a scar. Who do I have to depend on? Me? I don't let others see me fail. They need me. I need them to need me. If I hold them up and make them feel good about themselves, maybe I would feel better about myself. I let them live through me. I used to think that if I pleased everyone, then I would feel secure. But, I'm not happy. I never have been. *By Melissa Honeybee* |
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| © Copyright 2000 Melissa P. Long-Monette - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
Melissa, this reminds me of the old saying, to thine own self be true. You can't be your sweet self you were meant to be if you are feeling reponsible for everyone else's happiness. Your light will shine even brighter when you find the what truly fuels your own flame. The light of your happiness will help others that come in contact with you, see a little clearer. You certainly have a talent for beautiful poems, and this is a special gift from God. [This message has been edited by Septsong (edited 06-10-2000).] |
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Aimster Member Elite
since 2000-02-19
Posts 4297Charlotte, NC |
Melissa wow! this was i don't even have words. this was so heartfelt and emotional! seems you and i do share quite a bit in common. i am glad i emailed you and seems you and i could get to know one another? as for advice and all that, i never was very good at it. the only thing i know is to make yourself happy first. you have to learn how to love yourself. you are valuable, wonderful, loving. you are a good person, i can just tell. and you have a true gift from the Lord, the gift of writing. you have to find in your heart what makes you shine, what makes you happy. and when you do, the rest will fall into peace. my mom use to tell me a saying "learn to love yourself, and so will others...if you don't even learn how, how do u expect them to? she was the wisest woman i have ever know. take care. amy  "Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is before you can meet again. And meeting again after a moment or a lifetime is certain for those who are friends." "Fate exists but it can only take you so far, Because once you're there It's up to you to make it happen." |
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amazon_lover Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 491Dublin,Ireland |
I can relate to it. I know an aunt of mine ..who means so much to me..such a wonderful person...she is just like your mom...a heart that can withstand so many pains...thats great..coming to you..you never need to please anyone if it goes beyond hurting you..show you care..if they don't respond..let them go to hell... Sincerely A_L |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Melissa I wish I had the words to erase the pain, the self doubt and make you see that you can achieve wonderous things. I will not say I know how you feel but I have had an experience with a teacher who took pleasure in bullying me verbally in front of the class, I was about 6 or 7 at the time. I spent many years with no confidence no belief in myself, but you face those demons tell yourself that you are someone special someone of great value. You are not a stepping stone. What you are going helping people it will drain you giving all of yourself in order to feel acceptance. Give what you feel you haver to give take control. These words may seem hollow, it may seem easy for me to easy these things but I am speaking with honesty. This is all I can do. It is your destiny seize it. BE your self for yourself and no one else. Thank you for sharing the prose piece. Excellently written, you are an extremely talented writer, very intelligent. Impower yourself. take care Melissa, love brian. ------------------------ "Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time". Baltimore Grotto "To be nobody-but-yourself-in a world which is doing its best night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." E.E Cummings. manic street preachers "Culture Alienation Borebom and Despair" "I know I believe in nothing but it is my nothing" -faster MSP "And you see, I kind of shiver to conformity Did you see, the way I cower to authority, you see And my life, it's a series of compromises anyway It's a sham, and I'm conditioned to accept it all, you see" six by Paul Draper. ----- |
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