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From A Distance
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From A Distance |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
I sensed it from the very beginning. The intense closeness of someone I had always dreamed of. He was compassionate, caring and loving, sincere and thoughtful. With the touch of a voice and the tenderness and strength I had craved all of my life, he came into it and I fell, mercilessly. Prepared for a brief exchange of stories, perhaps, but not for the flood of emotion my heart would fare only through the test of time, and the grace of God. I had felt a part of everything and a fraction of nothing. All of my life I wanted someone to talk with who truly knew me, truly understood who I was, inside. Silence mocked me, others left me, and my own voice rang out in the shadow of evening, lost somewhere between the pink haze of the horizon and the fresh smell of dawn. Yet, I waited, because I knew, I knew that someday justice would be served and I would have that trusting ear, that faith in not only myself, but another human being who had been chosen to fill a time when I was surely dying. Wanting to guard myself, I tried, oh I tried. Yet, it all came pouring out in a season of beauty unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. Bursts of joy followed by a deep feeling of melancholy. Times of laughter spiced with a sense of adventure, exciting, yes, it was very exciting. I was finally complimented. The reflection of who I needed to be, I saw in him. I felt worthy, special and treasured. As a rare seashell lost on the tide, chipped in places, and worn from the weather of life, he had simply reached down and picked me, smoothing out the rough edges of my emotions with precious words. We shared the most priceless commodity on the face of the earth. Ourselves. Openly, honestly, and endlessly. He gave a measure of comfort and strength to my heart like none I had never imagined could be possible in my life. There was no fear, I completely spread my soul before him and he set it on fire as a fine linen tablecloth with burning candles, his love to warm the rooms of my being. In turn, I offered the only thing I knew how to and honestly. Myself. My inner self, without the touch, without the stolen glances, without the probing gaze of others who wondered "who is she?" I was simply there, day in and day out and I loved him I grew to love him more than anyone I had ever loved though years of loneliness and sorrow. Every thought, every word, every line I offered was sounding as a choir through heaven. Rebounding on the wind with a breeze of hope. Hope that I was finally enough, that I gave enough, more than enough, that I had crossed a bridge to another's heart and another's life. At first I felt as if I were standing outside the looking glass, peering in, wishing to enter and yet, uncertain as to whether I should. To reach out, to cast your open hand to another is terrifying. How do you know you will not suffer horrible loss and pain. An open wound that bleeds and bruises your emotions? You don't, you never know for certain. Yet I lost myself in the flow, the rush of connecting, of belonging in another's life. I wanted to be a blessing. I wanted to know someone loved me and asked nothing. I wanted to give all that I had held back for years, through my support, my encouragement, my honesty and my words. To trust another was something I had been taught not to do. Crushed in childhood by misplaced trust so dreadful, I could have never dealt with it unless I pushed it to be very back of my soul. And I did. Expression was quelched. I was not allowed to speak for fear of being yelled at, fear of contempt and anger and rage. Writing was only done at midnight, when the stars shone, and the pages of my journal held the very dreams and fairy magic I continued to believe in. For I felt things, knew things, saw things no one else did. It frightened me, it frightened him. I knew when he hurt and I knew when he needed me. I knew. Yet at the one point when I should have known to hold back, to not give so much it would only frighten him away, I failed. I failed and gave too much. "I think it's best if this ended" he spoke the words. My heart shattered, my faith gone, and my spirit bled. Now, I go on, wondering if I were truly a blessing. Praying I was, hoping I was, and knowing that I will never again give a hundredfold, and yet I pray on every point of every star that I can. For to hold back is to die. To not accept the time of love as it were given would be a travesty of love itself. So, I go on, living, and holding on to my faith that I mattered to him, and that in his darkest moments, he will remember the time we spent together, and receive the gift of love I gave so freely. I wrapped it with my very soul. I thought, hoped it would be enough. I believe it was, and it was unconditional. I just didn't realize that one of the conditions was staying quietly in the background for the entirety of our time together. I had always been in the background, and so now, that is where I stay. And I love him.....from a distance. < !signature--> Kathleen "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace." Elizabeth Barrett Browning [This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 06-06-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Kathleen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jfreak Member
since 1999-06-17
Posts 306Yuma, AZ, USA |
WOW...what Joy and what Pain. I mean I think everyone can relate to this at one point in their life. I know that I have lived this. Gave my love to someone and myself to someone and then got rejected, but I also have been the rejecter. So I know both sides. It's sad on both sides. Neither side is happy. Very well written and I just wanted to say...well done. Jfreak |
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kynder Senior Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 537Tallahassee, Florida |
aaahhhhhhhh my irish rose.... you have read many of mine, and somehow i ended up here today. as a mere human, how can i tell you yes you blessed him? but God uses flawed humans to deliver his message. perfect in its delivery. i pray for you the same. that he will realize one day what you truly gave, and it will finally be enough to stay. i love ya girl. kynder The years teach much which the days never know. Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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Aimster Member Elite
since 2000-02-19
Posts 4297Charlotte, NC |
Irish Rose~ This came from such a deep place and was so beautiful. I will try my best to give it the proper credit it so deserves. First off this was one excellent piece of writing. i loved the style and the intense emotion you put into every word, every line of this "story." I am still young & have much to learn. However I truly believe that when we give ourselves as freely as you did to him...yes we did indeed give them something special and magical. When two people share their hearts and souls completely, even if it ends...the results of that love will be with both people for the end of time. even when we fall out of love or have moved on, even when we have met someone else...that love we had stays with us for always. i truly believe that. i am so incredibly sorry for your loss for i do know this kind of pain. all i know to do is to never give up on one's self and always be true to who you are. and wait. that is the hard part, i know. but i believe that you will find true love again someday. i wish you the best of luck. thank you for sharing so much of yourself so openly. this was both sad and beautiful. take care, amy< !signature--> "Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is before you can meet again. And meeting again after a moment or a lifetime is certain for those who are friends." "Fate exists but it can only take you so far, Because once you're there It's up to you to make it happen." [This message has been edited by Aimster (edited 06-08-2000).] |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
jfreak: your words were a comfort, thank you very much kynder: this touched me so very much, I'm glad you wandered in here! These past few weeks I've been living in prose. Amy: my daughter's name is Amy, and I am almost in tears because you say you are young? Oh, you are wise young lady!!! when you said "till the end of time" my heart nearly stopped. I had not thought of it that way, thank you so much for that and for the lovely reply Kathleen "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace." Elizabeth Barrett Browning |
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