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my first attempt at prose... advice and suggestions wanted
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my first attempt at prose... advice and suggestions wanted |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
I knew it was a mistake to come here. I knew it on Sunday when I drove by 3 times, each time slower than the time before. The fact that my hands were shaking as I wrote down the real estate agents number off the For Rent sign ... should have been my clue, my cue, to let it alone, and drive on. But why start listening to my gut now, never have before. The real estate agent was not interested enough to bother showing up. After all she gets no commission on a rental. Instead her teenage son shows up, in a Vette no less, with music blaring, convertible top down. He hands me a key and in a totally disinterested voice says "just leave it in the mailbox when your done". He then not so politely peels out showing off for the way too cute and way too young blonde in the car with him. Leaving me standing on the curb, shaking my head and smiling at the rememberance of being young and impulsive once. And then thinking how stupidly impulsive this that I was doing was. But at least by the agent not showing up, it spared me having to put on an act for her. I wouldn't have to pretend to be a possible tenant. Instead I could concentrate on being the witness returning to the scene of a crime.(of sorts) The yard out front is bare. No flowers or shrubs. The thorny barberry bushes that use to be on each side of the porch, long since ripped out. The only thing still there was the big old Maple tree in the edge of the yard. Now twice as tall as when we use to climb it with the neighbor kids. Hand shaking again...another sign to quit while Im ahead,ignored. I walk up to the porch of the tiny cracker box house. It's painted white now with green shutters. How ironic, or poectic, as it use to be green with white shutters. Key in and door open, I pretend I don't notice I'm holding my breath. Or that I can feel my heart beating way too fast. Why the hell am I here anyway. I lived in this same damn town for my whole life and never even drove past here, till Sunday. 3 days later I'm standing in the vacant living room. How small and smothering the room's size is. But when your a kid everything seems bigger than you. Right? He always did, his 6 foot of anger use to loom over everything this tiny room. Looking around...neutral colors, new paint, new carpet. I wonder how many times the carpet has been replaced in the 22 years since we were carried out of here never to return. (till now) I wonder what all the different carpet installers thought when they saw the holes in the hardwood floor. Wondered if they knew they were bullet holes. How would one explain that night. Better off not to even try. Off white walls, new paint smell still in the air. They use to have wallpaper on them. Gold and white leaves. Why do they stuck in my mind still. The wierd things a mind stores. My mind anyway. Little sister, she blocks it all. If she was here, none of the little details would stick. She learned along time ago how to put them away, somewhere deep. I use to sometimes wish I had her gift of denial, but it's all a trade off...one demon for another. "Pick your poison," and all that. He always had one of those stupid cliches. One for every occasion. For every lecture...for every one of your damn failures that disappointed him so. I use to wonder if he had a book of them somewhere. Standing at the top of the hallway was the biggest shock... it was only several steps to the last door. Our old room. Back then it seemed like 10 miles long when you were hauling scared butt for its sanctuary of beds and stuffed animals. To the left of the hall was the kitchen. My God how could such a tiny room hold 4 people and so much shouting. Seemed impossible now. Bright yellow painted walls, they were green then. Amazing what paint and plaster can do to hide the holes punched in. Or the dents that a miss thrown beer can make when its full. Staring at the basement door, I decide to let that dog lie. Too many ghosts there. Well, not real ghosts, cause no body actually died here. Unless you can count a child's spirit, or perhaps trust. Does innocence leave behind an apparition when it dies? How long have I been here. The sun is almost going down. I don't need to be here with all these shadows. The quiet in here is astounding. I guess I expected to hear all the shouting, all the voices and threats. But then I realize they moved out when we did...they've been in my head taking up space for years. I should charge them rent. Standing in the middle of this little square living room...so many hours spent here. The black and white TV use to sit against the wall by the front door...made it convenient to throw the ripped off channel selector knobs or the broke off rabbit ears antennas out into the front yard. All the tantrums when the worn out old hand-me-down set would static up during a football game. Someone replaced the ripped screen in the door. The thin screen mesh no match for a fist aiming at a wife coming home later than she should have from her night waitress shift at one of her 2 jobs. So do walls talk? If these could they'd shout, or scream, or just sob. Wonder if they remember all they've seen. If they can close their eyes and still see the look on those 2 little girls faces as the police walked in. Wonder if they remember the fear in the room. If they felt that defining moment. The point of no return arriving in 4 peoples lives. It probably only lasted for minutes, but even now it feels like a life time. I can still taste the smells, hear the sounds, but I cant remember if I realized - right then, as it was happening. Did I know that at that moment nothing would ever be the same. Did I know in my wisdom of 13, that everything happening in that room right then, would effect every decision I would make for the rest of my life. No, she couldn't have known, she was too scared. She was too distracted by the sound of her mother and sister crying. By the look on her mothers face, the black mascara running down her cheeks...still in that ugly damn red waitress uniform with those white nurses shoes.She never took her eyes off the cop, the one who was trying to talk all of our ways out of this one. I only looked at him once, I was watching dads hand and the gun. His hand shaking so hard. The other hand in a death grip on moms neck. I don't remember the policeman's words, just his calm voice, so soft spoken and reassuring. I didn't know a man could talk so slow and soft. And when the gun hand finally dropped and handed it over to the calm man, there was rush of blue uniforms scooping up the two girls and the lady in the red uniform, whisking them out the door and into the police cruiser. Seems like we sat there for hours, until they brought him out. Even handcuffed he was huge and in control. Never broke eye contact with her as he was walked past, even under arrest he could threaten her with only his look. I stepped out on the porch into the late afternoon air. Locked the door and placed the key in the mailbox. Standing by my car, just staring at the house, at those black numbers by the door, 822. Still remember the phone number from here too. Again why? Why does my mind store this kind of useless info? Why ask why. As I go to leave the real estate agent pulls up. She has young couple with her. Says something about having to hurry before it gets dark as the power is off. She never even acknowledged I was there before ushering them in. They seemed excited...talking about it was a perfect starter home. I guess to some it could be that. All I know is more ended here than was ever started. As I drove off I smiled to myself and wished them luck. And I wondered if they would mind all the skeletons in the closets. I should have charged them rent too. Janet Marie thanks for reading this. please feel free to offer any and all suggestions that come to mind.Tell me what you both love and hate about it  I have just discovered that I very much enjoy writing in this form and wish to do it right and hopefully in time ... to do it well. thanks much to BSQ for inspiring me to try this... and for your help and advice. [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (edited 05-13-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Janet: I'll look at this more closely later.  Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 05-13-2000).] |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
thanks JB, sorry about the mispost...I thought CA was for any writing... and that it should be put here later..after being "fine tuned" sorry to make ya have to do moderator work jm |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
First off a big hearty welcome to Prose! I'm glad to see you enjoy the form (Funny.. I never thought of it as a form, LOL) , I certainly hope to see more posts by you. Hmm, As a comment I'd just like to give a suggestion, but know it is only a suggestion. I saw the word "info" in the tale. I personally don't think abbreviations and shortened words like 'info' (and contractions0 are appropriate in a narrative, in dialogue, sure, but not a narrative. Again this is only a suggestion, but my main point is that you need to find your style Also in this line He hands me a key and in a totally disinterested voice says "just leave it in the mailbox when your done". After the words 'says' should be a comma. Also in this excerpt The fact that my hands were shaking as I wrote down the real estate agents number off the For Rent sign ... should have been my clue, my cue, to let it alone, and drive on. I don't think the "..." is necessary. Usually it is used to signify a thought or dialogue that trails off. Hmm, I don't know if any of that makes any sense.. but it's just a few things I noticed Jim should be able to give you a much better critique. Great idea for your story Janet, great writing, especially for a first attempt! Abrahm Simons "You... You are so special You have the talent To make me feel like Dirt" - Alice in Chains, "Dirt" |
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Dawn Eclipse Senior Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 637The Horsehead Nebula |
First off, Welcome to prose! Your first story was wonderful! You lead into your thoughts very well, holding off the main idea to keep the reader interested. As for critiques, I'm not too good at those, so I'll leave that to the rest of them. HOpe to see more from you here soon!"Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying." Harry Anderson, "Night Court" *Cassandra Roseen* |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Hi and thanks for the warm welcome from Dusk Treader and Dawn Eclipse. (such cool names) I have been coming in here reading all the writings and really enjoying them. I still have much more reading to do and I want to reply to the work a s well. I wanted to become more familiar with prose before replying to it. I just wanted to say to who ever read this I truly want to learn to do this right so please don't be afraid to sink your teeth into this... tell me what I did wrong...or did I leave any questions with the reader or anything unclear with the story...I consider this a rough draft in need of work. I don't get offended by anyone helping me learn, Dusk Treader, thanks for the good suggestions, I was wondering about writing in narrative and dialogue styles. Also I was wondering does a reader enjoys a story written in first person, as opposed to the other view. I have seen some discussion in here on this. As for the (...) LOL that is a bad habit I picked up writing long E-mails ... I will have to watch it doesn't not carry over into my prose writing. (it has already infected my poetry) *smile* anyway thanks for the welcome and the read. take care, jm |
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WolfsMate Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 121New York |
A great first attempt!! I enjoyed this very much. Hope to see more from you. "You never have to worry...Never fear for I am near" |
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netswan Senior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 1369Washington |
Janet ------I love this story --It is perfect material for one. You taking people down your memory lane - flowed gracefully and kept this reader very interested. -) I do not know the rules of the prose in here, either. In writing 3 times it should be three times in talking such as using commas and starting a dialogue -- the proper way is: in a totally disinterested voice says, "Just leave it in the mailbox when you're done." The start of a dialogue is capitalized, all punctuations stay inside the quotation. One very common english error is "use to" I see it all the time --) it should be "used to" I love your visual imagery in this. What needs to be done is to shorten it. AIN'T life grand? That is the hardest part of writing -- we edit it and edit until -----we have all words out that are not needed. Personally, when I think of my life and just try to bring one story up, I find it is very hard. My mind wanders to and fro from incident to incident and it is very hard to do. I think for a first attempt this is really good ----) Keep trying ---I could help you re-write this if you are interested. Warmly, netswan |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Janet, I am undergoing lots of problems with my PC both at home and at work right now, but I promise to read this and give my inputs as soon and as best I can. Regards, Sudhir Life is like a painting, That in an art gallery is left hanging, Though many come just to look at it, A very few actually come to enjoy it. |
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lorilockheart Member
since 2000-05-06
Posts 206Alabama |
J. Marie - I've never written prose either, so I don't know how to critique. All I can say is Wow. This is an attention getter, and so seriously powerful. I think you've done a good job. Please let me know if you change it any or do any others. Lori ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean. Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens. Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance. And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance - I hope you dance. song by LeeAnn Womack ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
thank you MUCH to all who read and replied. the feedback is very helpful. Swan,THANK YOU for the help and personal time you gave me on this. I appreciate it so much. take care, jm |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Janet, As promised, I made myself some time to check your story out. Excellent first attempt. Welcome to the bunch of prose writers. I already have read many of your poems, and they are all fabulous. I think with an idea about prose writing and learning from this experience, you will definitely excel in this field of writing as well. Please do not feel bad if what I say ahead feels wrong. Instead challenge it for that is how writing prose improves. It did for me that way. Poetry is a flow of thoughts, melody, rhyme and alliteration included. But prose, is one flow of images, and depends more of picturisations. Poetry is to hide a few things, the secret makes it interesting. For prose, the description and narrations makes them solid and fluid. So here I go! I am taking a risk on you being upset doe to criticisms, but I know that its just to help you out. please do not construe this as a personal crticisms at all. First, you need a title. Untitled is never a title for something so beautiful as you have thought of. You could call it Skeletons from the closet, or just For Rent or any other name you feel like using. netswan and dusk treader has quite a few points about writing styles here. The ... has not much place except to show fleeting thoughts. numeric digits should be used only for dates, times etc and as less as possible. Spell check is important. But most importantly, try and assemble paragraphs together. One liners make sense in between, but structured paragraphs, make interesting reading. Things like 'you are' instead of 'your', and apostrophes real estate agents number (real estate agent's number) and so on Try never to have words like (till now) etc after a sentence, they give an idea that the writer missed a sentence somewhere and flow of thoughts got disrupted etc.. Also try to have complete words information instead of info. But I loved one sentence in particular. and the placement of that in the story - I should charge them rent. brilliant. ..... I hope my suggestions are useful. Again, I reiterate that what you have here is absolutely brilliant subject and great delivery. All it takes is a few cosmetic changes and you could charge me rent for reading it.... Regards, Sudhir< !signature--> Life is like a painting, That in an art gallery is left hanging, Though many come just to look at it, A very few actually come to enjoy it. [This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 05-17-2000).] |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Sudhir.. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! PLEASE dont worry or apologize for any critique...I WANT THEM...its the ONLY way to learn...I hope anyone who wants to offer it to me will do so with NO worry of offending me...as it WILL not. (J.BOULDER and B. BOOG.have your way with it) PLEASE!! LOL You gave me great suggestions and REALLY helped me as did Dusk and Swan... and your encouragement is is HEAVEN my friend and I'd like to say "GOOD EYE" my poetic pal...THAT LINE.... "I should charge them rent" was indeed meant to be the"centerpiece" of the prose, as it tied in other parts of the story BUT most of all it was intended to be the metaphor to show how long these ghosts stay with us..and that being the reason I was back there at that house. You seeing it makes my day..lets me know Im getting close to conveying what I wanted. thanks for all your honesty and help take care, jm |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Janet, I won't burden you with suggestions, since you've already had so many good, constructive ones, but I did want to add my two cents to the story itself! I think over all this is a great idea. I would have liked to seen a little more of the flasbacks earlier on, but that's just me. Though the phrasing and wording could be tightened a bit to give it better structure, the way you came full circle through heart and meaning was strong. Well done, I look forward to seeing more! Christopher |
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Danny Holloway Member Elite
since 2000-01-15
Posts 2034Tulsa, OK |
BEG, look where i have found you now! Off writing prose and not telling me. Since i'm the President of your fan club, i have to tell you it's good writing, and i'd be telling the truth. Interesting and sad story that you have penned with the same good style as your poetry. I am not a skilled editor so cannot offer any serious critique. I do feel you are a good writer and being published in somewhere in your future. Enjoyed reading your prose. Now i'm off to discover your other talents, somewhere in these halls of poetic expression. gator-later |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Really janet is there no end to your talents, ok can you blame me for being jealous? seriously I am not an experienced proses writer, but I have read enough books in my time to tell when sometime works and is good. I loved this, a great first attempt. The emotions and the narrative were spot on, powerful stuff. Sent a few shivers down my spine. |
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AVANTI Senior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 664INDIA/MAHARASHTRA/PUNE |
hey there... doing some catchinh up...you are talented to keep track!! A story teller too huh? well written Janet... I liked it a lot... I recently attempted my first story too lets see how it works... see ya around If all was light...then I would have never learnt the dark...from which such truth evolves from which evolves the light... Avanti Rao |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Janet I don't know if this is based on a true story or not but it is very creative and interesting to read...also very smooth flow and easy to read and understand...James |
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demoninlove Member
since 2000-02-11
Posts 211Dehradun |
Powerful writing there - certainly could be developed into a screenplay if you tried Deepak Menon |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I am no critic but I read a lot, and I loved the story JM. I read all of my friends stories before she sends them to publishers, and I see you got some good advise above, such as the difference between poetry and prose (tell it all.) I would have liked to see a title on this as that always tends to tell me where I am going, and I love the idea of Rent. I too thought that line was absolutely fantastic, and man, I can't want to see what you come up with next. I am trying myself but I don't have the time to explore it too much but I tend to make time to try. The only way you get better is to do it! Good for you girl! ~* Without deep reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people ." *~ |
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rosepetals25
since 2000-05-31
Posts 3076PA |
Janet, I'm not much of one to critique. I just know I liked it You set the enviroment well and the emotions were powerful! I enjoyed. And now I'm off to read the other two prose from you Hugs, Tara "My heart is like an open book, for the whole world to read" - Motley Crue, Home Sweet Home [This message has been edited by rosepetals25 (03-09-2002 01:01 PM).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
A new name for Mysteria should be gold-digger. Tell me when you want to publish this one, dear, and I will offer a few suggestions on editing, if you wish. Nothing much, and certainly nothing that will make you charge me rent... why ask why... |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Sharon, Tara and K, thank you so much for reading this...forgive me for taking so long to reply...we've had high winds here and power outages. I reread this piece, now nearly 2 years old and see so many places I could of done better... proof of how much we can learn here just from reading others and from sincere, fair critique. I notice the line breaks and paragraphs are no longer in tact as it was posted...I guess things move when servers change? Or maybe it cuz Im on another computer now? anyway...I thank you all for taking the time to read all these...too much me and your gonna need moth tylenol [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (03-09-2002 08:25 PM).] |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Janet Marie, I am digging you up out of the archives now. You interest me. I love the way you write. You put me right there along side you. I was there when you took the key from young flash and there again when you dropped it into the mailbox. Once again when that breezy real estate agent fluffed you off. Great first prose posting. Now on to more, I can't wait. You are filling up this quiet morning. thank you, martyjo [This message has been edited by latearrival (08-19-2005 08:50 AM).] |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Kind of funny to see a piece pulled up five years after it is written and it's done by somebody called "latearrival"!  Can't believe I didn't find my name on the list of readers for this piece. But I don't find it surprising that your first piece is excellent. Still think we should be able to come back in and edit as our skills improve. But then nobody would be able to map our progress I guess. How I love your writing.  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Larry, just goes to show i choose the right name! LOL best to you, late... |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
And lucky for me you have a good sense of humor! Thanks for that, by the way.If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Well...ya know what they say... better late than never. thank you guys..for giving this one another go round... Yep... hard to believe is been 5 years...Ive learned so much here... and while its not easy to look at our earlier work without wanting to redo it all...as you said Larry.. its how we can see our growth. thank you again to all who shared their insights and time. |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Whoops. double entry. Glad we got this going again. martyjo |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
I liked several aspects of this piece. I liked the plotline of a return to a former home, one of much angst. (I've returned to view almost every home I've ever lived in, and don't know why.) I like how the drive arounds before entering heighten the tension. The six feet of anger and the bullet holes bespeak the fear forever written on the young girl's mind. Some of us remember those times and some block it out. I'm one who remembers. Altho' it fits with the rest of the story, the teller is still unsettled at the end of it. Visiting it gave her no peace or resolution to childhood. The visit is obvious something she must do, but does she know herself what there is to gain? This is a great story, offering us all a chance to look at unsettled times in our lives and wonder how we survived them. Ken Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
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demoninlove Member
since 2000-02-11
Posts 211Dehradun |
Janet Marie - I joined Pip Talk in 1998 - made a few posts and dropped out. I was checking the site and saw that I had also make a comment on your post - "My first attempt at prose" - and it was very nice - I just read it. Good show Deepak Menon Deepak Menon |
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