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jbowie
Member
since 2000-02-18
Posts 135
BANGOR (that OR) ME

0 posted 2000-04-20 11:22 AM


Like a batch of nervous snakes that wer siddenly cast in plaster, I awake with my hair arranged in such a manner that made me think apes had crept into my room during the night and had their way with my head. I don't really understand the chemical reaction that occurs between one's head and the obviously sticky residue producing pillowcases that continue to plague me. I mean it does bother me to wake up like this now, but as a kid I seemed to know nothing but this way. My mom, you see, was a sadist and would make us take showers at night thus exacerbating the amount of mess that could be made out of your hair. Water seems to act as a catalyst for the gelatinous crud lurking in my pillows. Feather or not, there is no difference. I think my mom had an agreement with Bad Hair Hobgoblins that would pay her in pounds of cheese per bad hair do that they were allowed to perform upon her children. You think not? Then why did we always have fresh cheese in the house when I was growing up? And now I still get bad hair but no cheese in my fridge, yet at their house there is always the cheese just sitting there like it was fresh this morning. And never, no matter how much water I put on my comb, never could I get it to straighten out. Cow lick HA! It was like a herd of long horned texas steers grazed on my head and then upon adequate rumination, cast my hair back upon my head and the quietly ambled off into the darkness of the night. I have found the footprints my friend. I was sent as a child to school with these horrible bad hair blues. I think my mother recieved a bonus if the bad sticky hair kept it's form until all my friends and teachers were able to see it. And I know those teachers understood the benefits my mother was deriving from the hair contracts - so they said nothing.
     But this morning I have a plan, so brilliant that I can scarcely keep from peeing due to my excitement. A knife blade, big and thick, a Bowie knife, hangs in my closet. I shall remove the blade from it's box. I shall lather my hair with barbasol. And I will scrape the vile bad hair from my head, evincing the long awaited tears I have wanted to see from the bad hair hobgoblins. Jobless, do you hear me, JOBLESS!!!! With clean smooth movements, I shave my head inch by inch, hearing the tears drip into puddles on my closet floor. I savor the sound of the grating blade and the soft wisp of falling hair. Glorious my friend, just glorious. And as I toweled my head, removing the last of the shaving cream, I suddenly stopped and gazed at what I saw in the mirror before me. And then I screamed

"damn you, damn you and those stinking wrinkle gnomes"
for I had and ugly head full of wrinkles. I shall never be free. Oh good lord in heaven help me, I shall never be free.

© Copyright 2000 James Bowie - All Rights Reserved
Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187
St. Paul, MN
1 posted 2000-04-23 09:35 PM


LOL!  Those damn gnomes... they always move my things around, especially those guitar pick gnomes.... *Snarls* Well, I'll get 'em someday... Hilarious piece, I love your humor!

 Abrahm Simons

"...Watching fate as it flows down the path we have chose" - Trent Reznor, "We're in this Together"


WolfsMate
Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 121
New York
2 posted 2000-04-25 02:39 PM


LOL....excellent!

 "You never have to worry...Never fear for I am near"

kitkat
Senior Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 878
Nova Scotia
3 posted 2000-05-01 07:37 PM


This was way to funny,(wiping tears of laughter of my face) loved it.
Alicat
Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094
Coastal Texas
4 posted 2000-05-02 02:23 AM


ROTFLMAO

Hehehehee...oh goodness.....how I missed your lunacy.  Before Old Blue was shut down, I trolled through and found Bad Moth Mojo, Bad Coffee Mojo, The Dog Bible, and a few others.   Gawd but you can always crack me up!!!


Alicat, the Persnikitty

poetFemmeFatale
Member Elite
since 1999-07-25
Posts 2646
Arkansas
5 posted 2000-05-02 11:32 AM


Ohmygawd in Heaven, how happy I am I found this hysterical treasure in here!  ROFLMAO so hard, even I have to pee!  I read the first line, and laughed so hard through the rest, I hardly knew what I was reading, so I reread it!  ROFLMAO  Ohmygawd, you are too much!  I am definately looking back for your works past!  What do you drink, anyways??  hehe  ....pass me one??  
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