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If I look the same
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If I look the same |
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Joel the wolf Senior Member
since 2000-04-06
Posts 1333Angels Camp |
I washed my clothes last night at the mat and the woman that worked there was cleaning up the place it was late and we talked some I made a few comments about life not sure what I said and you could see my words physically strike her she grabbed hold o a table and just shook saying something being long, and I said not knowing what she meant what’s long she looked at me in the eye and said “life” in a shaky voice and tried eyes. She went back to work and didn’t say another word we both knew we had h a cord in that moment, that rang true. You could see it in the way she walked and moved she had done this job for a thousand years. I finished up a little late she stayed in the corner of the mat while I got my clothes together, I apologized for eeping her late, she didn’t say a word just look at me not mad, not put out, just with a resignation with life it seemed, she walked out behind me and locked the door, climbing alone in to an old pickup truck that looked like it had traveled around the rld five times backwards. She’s had a hard life and wishing it to be over soon. And she wasn’t much older than me. I sometimes wonder if I look the same. I howl a mornful song, that echos within my chambered heart, for all to read? nay for all to feel. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Joel. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
 This is an interesting prose. I hope you don't look like that....tired of life and all. Love and hugs, Lizzie "Poetry is the true expression of my soul, it is my ultimate means of communication. It is my rainbow of delight." |
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achicade Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 66Marietta, GA USA |
I hope you don't look like that, either! And I hope you don't FEEL like she does....life can be so wonderful! (Even if there are times it is a "drag"!) God bless you all. :-) -debbie- |
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Ben Pike Junior Member
since 1999-11-14
Posts 20Southwestern Virginia |
I was drawn in quickly, mostly by the jolt of the woman's grabbing the table and shaking, and then I wonder what's wrong with her, and her saying "long", and the way that was brought out to refer to life, and how that makes the reader know a little about her, but not very much, works very well for me. It was well brought-out I thought. Buy then it stops for me. The piece has crested and the rest is a long slow slide to nowhere. I have no idea what could make it better, for it is not my piece, but something more has to take place for the interest to be sustained, othere than wandering outdooors and home. Again, I think the beginning is intriguing and could be better if it even ended at "said, 'life,' in a shaky voice." The explanation that follows seems pointless because the reader has just beeen shown that a connection was made between these people, and to also be told this is ineffective, to me. [This message has been edited by Ben Pike (edited 04-14-2000).] |
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Joel the wolf Senior Member
since 2000-04-06
Posts 1333Angels Camp |
God Thank you Ben Pike. Thank you. I will work on it. Thank you. again. hahaha I truly will. although it did taper off, it is a true encounter, But I see what you mean. This is a small venture out for me, and I value your judgment. Joel. |
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