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My Life Began When Someone Else's Ended
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My Life Began When Someone Else's Ended |
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Blondie Member
since 1999-08-06
Posts 307Ohio 
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My life began when someone else's ended... Yes, I know this is hard to comprehend, but it's true. I was an outgoing, terrible child, and I think the belt was taken to me more than 100 times. I always found trouble or it would always find me. I wasn't the type of kid that hung on my mother's apron strings either, as a matter of fact I don't even think she even owns an apron. I am the type of girl who dislikes affection. Sometimes though, late at night when no one can see or hear me besides God and the angels, I creep into the floor of my closet and let the tears flow. The crying usually doesn't last all of 5 minutes, but it always feels better to let some out. You never know when your eyes will explode from a build up of salty water.  The closet has always been my hiding place for every situation. About 2 years ago I practically lived in my closet. I recall many times my mother would be picking out caskets for my father and I'd run off into my hiding place seeking shelter from the pain. I hated that none believed a miracle would happen, I hated that people were already predicting my father's future, and I hated the thought of God not saving my father. My father and I were very close, we did everything together. We called him a "politician" because he spoke to everyone and everyone knew him and loved him. As he lay on the hospital bed in out living room, wheezing and crying out in pain, I wondered "why him?" The cancer in his colon had completely blocked it off in a 7 month period and he was unable to eat anything solid because it couldn't pass through. He lived on food through an I.V. The night my father died I heard my mother crying at 4:00 on a Friday morning. I rolled over to my sister and simply said, "Dad died." She got up and ran to my mother along with my brother. I peeked out the door and saw my mother laying with my dead father in the bed. I turned back to my bed, climbed in, and fell back asleep. My youth pastor came over and took me out to eat that day, and I once again pulled down my mask of laughter and never shed a single tear. I remember hearing my pastor's wife say, "When this hits her, she is going to fall apart." I didn't face it then, and I don't think I have faced it yet. I don't really plan on facing it either. I mean once in a while I'll run off at night or run to my closet and shed a few tears but nothing outside of my hiding place. Sometimes I want to yell out to someone, "Help me! Help me face it! Help the hiding place to vanish!" but none can hear my thoughts and when people try to show affection I push it away, it's just something I wish I could except and sometimes I want to but...I have tried to give it over to God but how can I when I haven't even faced it? How can someone give a gift to a friend without seeing it first? My Mom began dating 4 months after my father died which tore me apart. I began blaming myself for things, I wondered where people went--they were there to comfort my family the first month, but now 4 months later while we were still grieving they disappeared. The worst part though was going out to eat after church without someone to go out with. I know this may sound weird but when my father was alive someone always went out with us to eat, and we always had a great time. But now that my father wasn't there none went out with us, I felt completely lost in my home, church, and school. I decided to write this essay on sorrow because I hope that maybe one day I'll come across this problem and be able to have the strength to face it. I also hope that my friends will be there by my side to help me when it does happen, because I don't know how I will react, maybe this is the first step into facing it, I don't know...I just don't know. |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Blondie, this is a very emotional and powerful piece. It sounds to me you really want to get out of the closet and just opened the door. If I can help in any way, please do contact me. Very well written essay. |
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Gene Senior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 935Colorado, USA |
Blondie, You expressed the sorrow in this piece very well. It truly touched me as it reminded me of my father. It inspired me to write my first prose piece today. ~Gene |
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jfreak Member
since 1999-06-17
Posts 306Yuma, AZ, USA |
Blondie, hey there little lady. (in an extremely bad impression of John Wayne) As far as the essay goes...Very well written. You protrayed your emotion very well, while still maintaining your sense of security in your "secret place". Your pain is expressed very well and I could sympathize with you b/c of the words you used. Now for the content... I am a man of God. Yet, I am not going to use any of the cliches that you probably have heard a thousand times over. I just want you to know that I am. (If Jfreak didn't already give it away) I will say this. I grew up in a very abusive home and my biological father was a horrible man. Beatings out of the wazoo. I remember a lot of things from the time I was like three and four all the up till I was 16. My mom, me, my sister, my lil bro, even a foster brother we had when I was like in kindergarten through the 2nd grade got beat, put down, needless to say I was a wreck for a while. I used to ask God all the time, "Why?". None of us deserved that. Especially my mom. Why did all that stuff happen. You know what I found out. I will never know why. BUT...BUT...Looking back on who I am now. I wouldn't change anything. I know that may sound crazy, but I wouldn't. You want to know why? (even if you don't...I'm gonna tell you anyway) I wouldn't change a thing b/c all that stuff, has built me into the man that I am today. I am proud of the man I have become. God used those situations to build me to be better than my father. I don't know why your dad had to die. You will probably never know why. Yet, the thing that I suggest to you is this. Don't let that situation dictate who you are going to become. You dictate, with the leading of the Holy Spirit, who you are to become and just let that situation make you stronger. I have no doubt that God may desire to use you to minister to some other young girl or lady somewhere that has lost their father and you could be used to bring some mighty healing in their hearts b/c you know what they will be going through, b/c you have gone through it and trusted Christ to be your strength when you were weak. Keep your head up and I will try to remember you in prayer. If you need anything email me. Jfreak |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Wow, some excellent writing here. You express your sorrow. I believe Jfreak experience is a good one to think of, and relate to yourself, even though I am not a man of God. I wish you the best of luck in your future. Abrahm Simons "...Watching fate as it flows down the path we have chose" - Trent Reznor, "We're in this Together" |
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