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On the Edge
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On the Edge |
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ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
I wrote this prose today- this is a first for me, I usually write poetry. Please give me tips on how to improve my style or suggestions of different styles in prose. Thanks! It may be a warm sunny day, birds may be singing, people chattering or children might be playing, but all I see, hear and feel is Death. He consumes my mind, beckoning me to go with him and leave misery behind. “What have I to live for?” I ask myself many times and, finding no answer I take Death’s outstretched hand and we walk together.”Where are you taking me?” I ask as he hurries me in a direction I have never followed before. “The place of eternal peace and happiness” he replies without so much as a glance in my direction. It gets colder and I start to shiver. Never have I felt more alone. I wonder where this place is but before I can enquire, we stop at the edge of a steep precipice. Death looks deep into my eyes and and starts to chant, it’s as though he is putting my soul under a spell. His eyes are glowing like bright red rubies, penetrating my heart and mind. I am filled with fear, I can feel him pushing me slowly toward the edge. Then all is silent again. He steps back and smiles in a way only death can. “I’m afraid”, I say. “Don’t be, my child, it will all be over soon. Just take one step backward and you will be free”. My legs grow leaden as memories fill my mind. I see myself as a child, running, jumping and playing. I see myself on my first day at high school. I was happy then.....what went wrong? I hear my boyfriend’s last words before he turned away from me forever: “It has become impossible to love you”. I watch him walk away, taking my friend with him. “I’m sorry”, Amy said. “Seth and me belong together”. I feel so alone. What have I done wrong? Why did Seth leave me? If he says I am impossible to love, no one will ever want to be with me, I will be alone forever. Tears start rolling down my cheeks as the memories drown my soul in desolation. The cliff edge looks so inviting...one step and all this could be over. The wind whips my hair across my face as I gaze at the sea crashing against the rocks below. I am about to take the last step between here and there when I hear a scream. “NO! DON’T DO IT”. I hesitate. “Quickly!” Death whispers in my ear. “go now and be free”. I am confused now. Do I or don’t I? I turn in the direction of the voice I had heard moments before. “Karen, I love you. Don’t do it”. It is Jessica. “Go away” I say. “Leave me alone like everybody else has”. “No” she says. “I won’t let you do this”. She walks toward me and as she reaches me wraps her arms around me. I resist for a moment, Death is calling me.”DON”T TURN AWAY FROM YOUR CHANCE OF FREEDOM”. I am still unsure of myself. I don’t know which way to turn. Life and Death are playing Tug-of-war with me. I break down in tears, sobbing uncontrollably. Jessica puts her hand on my arm and gently guides me away from the edge.”It will be alright”, she soothes me. The sound of her voice clears my cloudy mind. “How?” I ask her. “Everything is wrong”. She pulls me close to her and hugs me again.”Let’s go home” she says. She takes my hand and we start to walk back toward the town. Death walks with us. “You can still come with me”. He whispers. Jessica doesn’t hear him. I hesitate once more. Jessica feels my hesitation.”You belong with us Honey” she says softly. “It is not your time yet.“ I stop and look into her eyes. The warmth and compassion therein made up my mind. I gave Death a shove and he fell down on the path. I hold Jessica's hand tightly, and we walk on together. “I love you” she keeps telling me. Maybe there is hope for me after all. |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Great piece of writing you have here, especially for a first! The first tip I have to give you is that format is just as important to prose as it is to poetry. You should break up this paragraph into several smaller ones, this will make it easier to read. Also, every time you have a new speaker, i.e. switching between you and Death, you need to start a new paragraph, it helps seperate the people. Other than that, I thought this was a great piece, good writing, and good idea. Don't ever give into Death for there will always be people out there to help you, and I for one believe that everyone will find love eventually. Maybe not as soon aw we want, but love is worth waiting for.  Abrahm Simons Put one foot on the path of life and tread the dagger's path betwixt dark and light. |
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Hope, tears, and renewal Member
since 2000-03-27
Posts 74 |
Ah yes, hope. Never give up on hope... it's what keeps us alive. |
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JOY 14 Senior Member
since 1999-09-22
Posts 1419Wisconsin USA |
I think it's good! I'm no expert on prose though. In fact, I just posted my first piece of prose here too! Joy |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
I really liked your writing, especially the positive end.  Never give up hope. |
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