navwin » Main Forums » Passions in Prose » The Beginning of a Past (Part 1)
Passions in Prose
Post A Reply Post New Topic The Beginning of a Past (Part 1) Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Windrider Silverbreeze
Junior Member
since 2000-03-21
Posts 33


0 posted 2000-03-21 03:15 AM





  A woman of exquisite beauty sits elegantly upon her gazing down upon the laughing children that have gathered about her.  Her violet eyes lined with an unmistakable dark black rim as she smiles.
  Her black tresses, rest in soft waves about her shoulders, as the winds tickle the gentle curls about her weather beaten features.
  She gently clears her throat to gain the attention of those about her.  As if on cue they sit down and gaze up at her with those longing eyes that beg so diligently.  Reaching into the very core of what they want and pulling into their sponge-like minds.
  She chuckles softly and asks, "What story would my dears like to hear this eve?"
  Chorused together that all shout, "The story of Becoming!!!"  Jumping up and down in unrestrained glee.
  Laughing gently, she whispers, "Are you sure?  It's a very long story and I wouldn't want you to miss anything."  They all nod emphatically and smile brightly.
  With a wave of her arms she set the winds in a gentle sworling motion, surrounding them all.  The clouds that were once untouched begin to form a picture ... of a wold meadow, during a perfect spring.
  She begins to whisper in an almost hypnotic tone.

  "This all begun centuries ago, when the world was young and the beliefs of man were untainted by the demons of techonology and doubt.
  "A young girl of about the age of 10 summers old was resting among a bed of wild flowers, idly watching the clouds roll by.
  "She was small for her age, yet had a presense about her, that couldn't be explained.  Her long raven black hair reminded people of the darkest nights.  While the light from her eyes, was like the purest spring day.
  "Her heart was a lonely one however.  Ignored and ridiculed by those about her for the half-breed blood within her, made her yearn for companionship.  Yet she knew it would be sometime before her wish would ever come close to coming true.
  "She did not know who her mother was.  Only that her father, Damien Cloudwalker, had told her that her mother had abandoned her after her birth.  So even the gentlest mother's touch, was alien to her.
  "To make up for this she found herself going off alone to meadows and the woods edge.  Taking comfort in the of nearby animals, and of all things ... The Wind's."

  Here she paused as the winds bega to tickle the backs of each child.  Leaving non out as it made it's way round the half cirlce that surrounded the front of the woman.

  "And here my story begins ... and here my dears learn well, for it is a lesson we each need learn at least once in our lives."

  The area was soon filled with the billowy white softness of the clouds.  And the children began to listen and watch the story, as if living the tale themselves.


(to be continued)



© Copyright 2000 Windrider Silverbreeze - All Rights Reserved
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley
1 posted 2000-03-21 09:04 PM


One quick note, I could read this better if it was in black or blue font.  
Mellon Collie
Junior Member
since 2000-03-25
Posts 49
united states of america
2 posted 2000-03-25 09:35 PM


dear windrider,
     i think you have a good start here and i'd love to read more of the story    i do have a few criticisms however; i hope you wont mind hearing me out.
     first, it seems that you are missing a word in the first sentence "sits elegantly upon her gazing" seems to be lacking an object for "sits upon".  perhaps it would be better written "sits elegantly; gazing...".  also, the second line doesn't seem to be a complete sentence.  finally, the narrative from the fictional lips of the character in the story doesn't seem in keeping with a normal oration; it seems more like what the novelist's perspective might describe more than what a storyteller might.  this may or may not be a problem, i just thought i'd share my thoughts with you and see what you think  

sincerely,
the beautiful freak

Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187
St. Paul, MN
3 posted 2000-03-27 02:21 PM


I agree that this would be a story I would greatly like to read more from.  There were just a few things I noticed that you might consider changing.  Like PdV said, a different font color may be nice.  I also tend to agree with Mellon Collie, some sentance fragments in your story make it a little difficult to read.  Enjoyable writing though, hope to see more!

 Abrahm Simons

Put one foot on the path of life and tread the dagger's path betwixt dark and light.


Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Main Forums » Passions in Prose » The Beginning of a Past (Part 1)

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary