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Parry (More story, finished-sorry about length)
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Parry (More story, finished-sorry about length) |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Sorry for the length, I thought about splitting it in two, and then realized that would be foolish to skirt around the maximum length. So if you are interested in it, please read on, if not, then that's fine too. Thanks for reading... Gwen didn’t live that far from Parry. It took him only ten minutes in the car. As he approached the door, his nerves started to rise, and he tried to calm himself down a little, “relax, its only a girl” “its only a girl who you are madly in love with”, “its only a girl who could make or break you”. Clearly his attempts to calm himself down, only opened more opportunity to make himself scared, so he abandoned, calming inner talk, and just focussed on making sure he could pronounce every word properly. “Hi there”, he said to what he guessed was Gwen’s mum, “I’m Parry, I’m here to pick up Gwen”. “oh hi Parry come in, come in, Gwen should be down any second, she’s just getting ready”. “Why are girls never ready for you when you arrive”, Parry thought to himself. Its not that he minded she was taking her time, he just thought it strange that there was at least a five-ten minute pause everytime he went to pick up a girl from her house. Maybe they all had some kind of pre-date ritual or prayer that they had to do in those minutes leading up to the date, that could only be performed at that time, or else it wouldn’t work. Kind of like some of those cults who revolve around the full moon as the center of their prayer rituals. It would definitely give credence to Parry’s father’s theory that all women are witches, and posses a strange power that allows them to sap out the goodness of a man. Parry didn’t quite believe his father, though, in that Christy’s pre-show performance that included all of her torture instruments and hairsprays, were ample proof that it was just a case of overplanning. Gwen’s mother invited him in to the kitchen where they talked, and she could determine if he was sane enough to take out her daughter, and wasn’t some strange psychotic. Parry didn’t mind the once-over from mother’s eyes, it didn’t really bother him, because he lived with two women, his mum, and sister so he was accustomed to it. What did bug Parry, were father’s. Only on one occasion had he met a kind father who didn’t shake his hand with some sort of regret or reluctance, knowing that he was taking out his daughter and might be touching her. And Parry was pretty sure, the only reason that one father was nice to him was because he was half drunk, and didn’t really know who he was to begin with. “it must be hard being a father”, parry thought to himself, knowing exactly what was on your mind when you were that age, and figuring that all the young boys who were picking up your daughter would be surging with hormones. The informal interview with Gwen’s mother seemed to go well, because she offered him some dessert from their dinner-a good sign, Parry was sure. Soon after Parry had finished the meringue pie, Gwen came down the stairs, and Parry fell into tunnel vision where Gwen was all he could see, and the latest cheesy pop song playing inside his head to match her appearance. Surprisingly, Gwen looked normal. She was beautiful, clearly, but with all her added preparations, Parry couldn’t pick up on any new nuances that she had included in her wardrobe or in her smells. He laughed to himself, even more perplexed about those mysterious ten minutes that preceded her appearance on the scene. “Hi”, Parry said “You look great”. She did, she always did, so he wasn’t just lying to make her feel good, even if she didn’t look too different. “Thanks parry, are you ready”, she asked. “yeh absolutely, let’s go. Thanks very much for the pie, Mrs. Jones, it was excellent”. “you’re welcome, be home by midnight”. “no problem”, parry said, and took three steps to the door when a voice that seemed to materialise from nowhere said, “GWENNNNN!!!”. Parry jumped inside of himself, it sounded like a wounded animal, and he didn’t want to find out where it came from so he moved closer to the doorknob. Almost there, almost there, a little farther, one more foot…GWENNNN, I NEED SOME HELP, HANG ON. Parry had started to perspire. Then the sound of footsteps from the basement, replaced the voice, and Gwen’s father appeared. He wasn’t an intimidating man, he was smaller than Parry in height and frame, but it didn’t prevent the fact that he was a father, which was enough advantage to make Parry terrified. “Hi”, Mr. Jones extended his hand to Parry, “you must be Parry”. “yes, hi”, parry managed. “I’m Mr.Jones”. “nice to meet you, Mr.Jones. like the counting crows song”, he said and realized he had put his foot in his mouth. “um yeah, I suppose”, mr jones replied, and looked to Gwen for an explanation. “it’s a band dad, they have a song called Mr.Jones”, Gwen said reluctantly looking back at Parry with a why-did-you-have-to-say-that look. “Oh great. Well Parry, now that you’re here I was wondering if you could help me move this couch, down to the basement. I’m setting it up down there for the girls, and could use some muscle lifting it”. “****”, parry thought, “Yeh, no problem”, he could feel his armpits getting wet “Where do you want me”. “The couch is right there in the living room, I just need you to help me lift it up here, and then down the stairs so it can be maneuvered into the basement room”, Mr Jones said. As the two walked into the living room to get the couch Mr Jones, leaned over to Parry, and stared right into his eyes, “So….where are you going tonight”. It it wasn’t a suspicious look, then it was an attempt at an exorcism, because Mr.Jones looked right through Parry, enacting his own interview tactics to determine where he was on the psychotic scale. Parry just hoped he would rate on the low end. He would be happy if he was put in with the others who had a mild affective disorder. “ummm….”, Parry’s voice trembled a little bit,,,”welll…we’re going to a restaurant to begin, and then off to a movie”. “Sounds nice, so how long have you known Gwennie”, Mr jones asked, now playing his good cop/bad cop persona brilliantly. Parry felt like he was talking to Tommy Lee Jones, it was excrutiating, especially how Mr.Jones, called Gwen, Gwennie, making her seem like an innocent child, that he was about to corrupt. “I’ve known her for just over a month or so, I think she’s wonderful”, Parry said. “yes”, mr jones, started, and then turned his head to look at parry, “She’s very special. Have you got your side of the couch, okay lift”. “Jesus christ”, parry thought “He might as well have said, if you hurt her or touch her in any way I’m going to kill you”. Mr Jones and Parry had now lifted the couch to where it needed to be, just at the top of the stairs. All that was needed now was for Mr. Jones to go to the bottom of the stairs to receive the couch and then manipulate it into position to be pushed into the basement. “Are you ready Parry”, Mr Jones said through his teeth, he was supporting a good deal of weight “LIFFFFFFTTTTTT”. Mr Jones’ burst of energy took Parry off guard, and the momentum of the couch shifted so that Parry lost his grip on the couch, and it slid down the stairs, knocking Mr Jones into the corner. “Oh my goodness” “honey are you okay”, Mrs.Jones was asking her husband. By this time, the panic had been growing inside Parry, and now that he had accidentally dropped the couch on Mr Jones, it came to full fruition. Everything fell silent, and all he could hear was his breathing, his heart beat, and muffled noises. He glanced down the stairs to see, Mr.Jones grimacing as he pushed the couch off of his foot, finally getting it erect, he saw Gwen looking down the stairs with a hand over her mouth in astonishment. Calm, calm, calm, its okay, you’re not going to die, relax, relax, relaxxxxx, its okay, its okay, nothing’s wrong, its okay, you’ll be fine….Parry repeated the mantra, and staved off his imagination enough to get to the bottom of the stairs and help Mr Jones push the couch into the basement room. “Are you alright, I’m so sorry, Mr Jones, my grip just slipped, I’m really sorry, I’m so sorry”, parry repeated, if Mr Jones had asked him to kiss him at that moment to make it better he would have done it in a second, and also offered his body. Thankfully for Parry, Mr Jones didn’t quite suffer from the low self esteem that plagued Parry, and only asked for a glass of water from Mrs Jones. “Don’t worry about it Parry, I’m fine, next time, you take the bottom half of the couch”, he laughed. Parry laughed too, but couldn’t determine if he intended malice from this statement or if it was just an ambiguous ice breaker. “Yeh, I’m sorry’, parry repeated again. “We have to go dad”, Gwen said. Its already 7thirty, we have to go.” “okay you guys go along, have a good time, it was nice meeting you Parry, take care, and have her home by midnight”, Mr jones shook Parry’s hand and emphasised midnight with a stronger hold on the handshake. “Sure thing Mr Jones, take care, sorry about the couch”, parry finally had an exit from his panic. Fresh air, almost to the doorknob, almost to the doorknob, yes, I’ve got it, okay open the door, and out. Just as he put his foot out the door, he overheard Mr jones, “he’s not on drugs or anything, is he okay to drive”. Wanting nothing more to do with these words, Parry pulled the other half of his body out the door and ran to the car, where he gathered his breath, and some calm. Relax, relax, relax, its okay, you’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine, relax, relax. He was then interrupted by his other voice, “yeh relax, the date’s only just begun”. And parry grimaced and laughed, wondering if he could keep his shirt dry for the whole evening.. The restaurant that Parry had in mind for dinner, was a nice, slightly upscale place called Spagazzi’s. It was a bistro, whose menu was reasonably priced, but not so exorbitant to take out a second mortage. Unfortunately, Parry had not gotten around to make reservations, because he got too caught up in his panic, and attacking his sister, so he planned to rely on a little performance art, to get a table. “Hi sir, have you got reservations?”, the maitre d, asked as they stepped into the restaurant. “Yes, its under Wiethin, Jack Wiethin”, Parry said. Gwen stared at him, wondering exactly what he was doing, and felt a little bit uncomfortable. Recognizing this, Parry played it down for Gwen, “its okay”, he whispered, “I just used a fake name so we could get some wine with dinner, I’m not going to hijack the place or anything don’t worry”. This made Gwen more easy, though, she didn’t care for wine all that much, she appreciated, Parry’s gesture. “I’m sorry Mr. Wiethin, we don’t have a reservation for you”. “What do you mean there is no reservation. Check 7:45, table for two, Wiethin”. “Yes sir, I know, I’ve checked the whole evenings register, there is nothing here”. “Dammit, I called last week to get in here, because this place was heavily recommended by a friend”, parry was starting his warmup. “And what friend would that be sir?”. “That friend would be Mr Jeff Bezos the creator, and owner of Amazon.com. We were attending a consortium on the future of dot.com companies, where we met,, and he said your fettucine is incredible”. The maitre d, wasn’t a pushover, mind you, invariably he had come across all kinds of acts to manipulate a table, so Parry’s performance wasn’t too surprising. However, what Parry had, which others may have lacked was a strict determination to his craft, by which he didn’t waver for one second, to leave his “performance” exposed, and open to fraud. “Sir, have you not heard of Jumptoday.com, an online clothing and accessories store”, Parry began his argument. “I’m afraid I haven’t”, the maitre d, stood his ground. “We are only one of the top dot.com companies going right now, in fact we just opened an IPO last week, which doubled the stock. I’m only saying this because this restaurant was given rave reviews by some of my online partners, and would love to pass that on to other, …friends in the online world who, might be passing through town on business”, Parry finished. Now the maitre D, was a little off balance and it would only take a little push, to tip the scales. “I’m afraid I’m not much of a computer man myself, sir”, he started to yield. “Well I’d be happy to come back with some information regarding investment in my company, as well as other similar ones, to give you an idea of what the potential is for profit”. The maitre D, was stunted…”um…”…Parry knew he had him, so to pull out the last nail, he motioned to a young waiter, “Excuse me, I was wondering if you had heard of jumptoday.com”, and then stared at the waiter with an insistence that could have melted an ice sculpture, “Umm….”, the waiter was stuck, because he didn’t know what the appropriate answer was, having justappeared on the scene. He was torn, should he say yes, should he say no, what would the maitre d want to hear. “Umm, it sounds familiar yeh”. Parry drew a breath, and continued, he wasn’t sure if it would work. “And what about amazon.com, do you use them at all. Have you heard of them”. This would be Parry’s coup de gras, because the waiter’s eyes opened wide, “oh yeh, I use them all the time to order cd’s and books their great. Excuse me sir, to pry, but are you affiliated with them at all”. “In a way, yes I am, in fact”. “oh wow, I don’t mean to flush, but I love your company its fantastic, I’m a big fan”. “Well I’m glad you like it, sorry to interrupt your service”. “oh not at all, nice to meet you”. “likewise”. After hearing one of his waiters wax on about amazon.com, he immediately made some room for Gwen and Parry. “Sorry for the holdup sir, my apologies”. “none at all, none at all”. “please understand that you appear quite young, so I found it a bit surprising that you said you owned your own company.” Now feeling a bit more comfortable in his role, Parry started to stretch his legs, “oh no problem it happens all the time. Listen, I was wondering if we might get a nice bottle of red wine”. “Certainly sir, I just need to look at your I.D., its restaurant policy, please understand, no disrespect”, “Not at all” Parry said, pulling out Jack Wiethin’s ID, that said he was 20yrs old. “Thank you sir, and congratulations on your success, what kind of wine would you like sir” “oh something nice, please decide for me if you don’t mind, something middle of the road should be fine”.. “yes right away sir”, the maitre d left. Parry finally exhaled, “christ he was tougher than I thought”. “you’re crazy”, gwen said, “ I can’t believe you lied like that”. “I was just bending things a little, I just really wanted to treat you to a nice meal, that’s all. I’m sorry if I jumped through hoops to get it, I just forgot to make reservations earlier tonight, I got sidetracked”, he said, remembering his bathtub nightmare. Gwen wasn’t that angry mind you, she even laughed at Parry’s tactic, wondering where he got his imagination. “How did you know it would work”, she asked smiling. “I had no idea, I just threw in amazon.com, and hoped that loosely associating that with myself, might alter things a little. It was just pure luck really”.. The two of them had a nice meal, Parry ordered fettucine, even though he didn’t really like fettucine. He thought, that because he had mentioned it in his improvisation, that he should follow through on it. As Parry was scrambling to label a dish, fettucine was all that came to mind, so he blurted it out. Thankfully, for Parry, it was good, and the wine was excellent. Gwen only had one glass, so Parry ended up drinking three glasses to himself, and was in a nice glow of alchohol, and smiles. They finished their meal, and Gwen excused herself to go to the bathroom, and Parry asked for the check. He was so happy at this moment, being with Gwen ,and feeling a nice glow that he was in a euphoric haze of excited possibilites. He imagined, kissing Gwen, walking on the beach with her, marrying her, he even planned out what kind of dog they would get. A nice labrador retriever, that they would throw sticks to as they walked away from their beachhouse. It was an AM Gold moment, that just kept getting better as Parry explored the many avenues of his attraction to Gwen. He was so lost in his mind, that he hadn’t realized the cheque had come. After Gwen returned from the bathroom, Parry looked down at the cheque, and fell off his cliff of euphoria, spinning downward in uncontrolled space, landing on sharp pins, needles and everything jagged in the universe. “Are you okay Parry, you look really pale”, Gwen asked him, as Parry was staring at the cheque. “You’re not sick are you?”. “No, no no everthing’s fine”, parry didn’t move his head from the cheque, staring at the numbers 230, 230, and started making all kinds of equations in his head with those three numbers, 3times2is6, 2times30is60,320, 302. He was a skipping cd, stuck. “is everthing alright Parry, you really don’t look well”, Gwen asked concerned. “yeh,no, everything is fine” “listen, why don’t you go wait out front by the car and I’ll meet you out there, I just want to thank the maitre d for his service”. “okay I’ll meet you out front, will you be long?”. “No, no”, he squeaked “five minutes tops”. Gwen left out the front door. The reason Parry was stuck in his own head, was because the price of the meal was a total of $300, $230 of which was for the bottle of wine. The maitre d, recognizing that Parry was some sort of financial mogul must have given him a relative “middle of the road” bottle for his wage bracket. Entirely filled with panic, and alchohol, Parry decided to take action. He would go to the bathroom and find his way out of there somehow, and return the next day with the money. “What am I going to write, ****”, “I know I’ll leave money for the food and tip, and I’ll just mail the rest of the money”. “So much for eating here again”, he thought, and threw down enough money to cover the food and tip. He passed the maitre d, enroute to the bathroom, “hi thanks, I’m just going to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a second”. “certainly sir”. He stumbled his way through the restaurant, and found the bathroom. Once inside he made sure nobody was in there, and he locked the door. He walked up to a sink and ran some water, splashing cold water on his face, to hopefully wake him up from his cocktail of panic and booze. Feeling somewhat rejuvenated, he spotted a window that was just above one of the stalls, so he went into the stall and stood on the toilet seat to open the window. It didn’t take much force to open the window, just a quick turn, but Parry, being scared and desperate overestimated his strength, and twisted too hard, opening the window right onto his chin, which then made him slip, and put his foot right into the toilet bowl. “****in hell”, he said. He lifted his soaked pant leg out of the bowl, and had to slither his way out the window, because it only opened halfway, leaving the window in the middle. Halfway through, he got stuck slightly and tugged himself out on his stomach into a pool of water, that hadn’t dried from the mornings showers. Without worrying about his appearance, he bolted around to the front where he saw Gwen by the car. “Hi”, he said. “oh my god what happened”. “oh nothing, it was silly, I thanked the maitre d for the meal, and he insisted on showing me the kitchen. In the kitchen I accidentally sprayed myself with the dishwashing tap, and got myself a little wet. No big deal”. He wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, so he opened Gwen’s door, jumped in his side, and they were off to a movie. “Are you cold?”, gwen asked, “No I’m fine, really. I’m fine”. “did you enjoy dinner?”, he asked. “it was fabulous, thank you”, she then kissed him on the cheek. And Parry was happy again, even though he knew the outcome of his shirt for the evening. The movie they had decided on seeing was called, Sometimes Friends, and was a fairly straightforward romantic comedy, with all the pitfalls and eventual resolution at the end. Most of Parry’s friends were masculine guys. Real men’s men, whereas Parry’s sensibilities were a little more inclusive of what can only be called a feminine side. Now this wasn’t to say that Parry was effeminate, but moreso that Parry’s tastes were not only ruled simply by sports, action movies, and pornography. While he loved all of those things, he didn’t mind a little romantic comedy once in a while, “chick flicks” as everybody called them, but they didn’t really bother him all that much. On the rare occasions when Parry and his sister would stay home from school, for whatever reason, Christy would control the television viewing for the day and insisted on watching soap operas. Because Parry really didn’t have a choice, there was only one TV, and he enjoyed the company, he was stuck watching Soap operas, and found himself slowly getting ingratiated into its world. Although he wouldn’t admit it, on the days when he would be home alone from school, he had been known to watch a couple of hours of soaps to pass the time. Whether it was from boredom, or interest he didn’t know, but if someone challenged him on it, he would play to the female’s side, arguing his sensitivity, and thus, giving him the idea that he could score with them. Unfortunately for Parry, because he would use false pretenses as his tool to get into girls pants, he rarely knew what to do when he got there. In other words, he didn’t know when to turn off the charm, and the efforts to impress, because he was scared that the girl might actually see who he really was and not like him. So it was a real deliverance for Parry when Gwen kissed him, because he wasn’t able to maintain much pretense at all, as a result of his genuine feelings for her, and instead of it making him more nervous, it actually was calming. It gave him some respite, from the exhausting scenarios, and worry that plagued him. The two arrived at the movie theatre with about fifteen minutes to spare. However, as they were walking up to the counter, Parry had forgotten that he had no money. He hadn’t expected the dinner to be so expensive. “Hang on just one second, Gwen, I just have to go to the bank machine”, he said. “Oh its okay, I’ve got some money, you paid for dinner, I’ll get the movie”, Gwen replied. “No, really, thanks but I want to treat you completely tonight. Next time, we’ll split it. Tonight, I just want to take care of everything”, Parry said. “okay Parry”, Gwen was a bit confused with Parry’s insistence on paying for everything, but she understood, it was a warm idea, and even if she might have disagreed on philosophical grounds about the man paying for everything, she did like feeling taken care of. At least for one evening. There wasn’t a line at the machine so Parry took out his card, and put it in the machine. He waited. He waited, and then a sign came on the computer screen, INVALID SIGNATURE PLEASE CONTACT BRANCH FOR NEW BANK CARD. “****”, “not now, for god’s sake man, please give me a break”, so he took out his card and tried again, but it was the same thing. INVALID SIGNATURE PLEASE CONTACT BRANCH FOR NEW BANK CARD. Parry took out the card, to look at the bar code, and noticed it was all scratched up, which was probably the reason why it couldn’t read any information. He secretly wanted to blame it on his sliding through the window out of the restaurant, but realistically, it could have been a work in progress. “****, what am I going to do”. Parry started to regain the anxiety which had eased in their car ride to the cinema. It seemed for Parry that the anxiety was almost a integral part of him. If he wasn’t anxious then something wasn’t right, but if he was worrying, getting stressed, maybe even sweating a little, then the cogs were turning. As he flashed around the crowd he explored his options, and realized he could always ask Gwen to pay, it wasn’t the end of the world he thought, but if he believed this, and was pragmatic about it, then he wouldn’t be the “leading man”, the strong responsible guy, that he liked to portray himself as. So the loss of pride, and self worth, seemed to immense, to simply give into reality. There had to be another way he thought. What could he do, did he have time to run to the corner store to use the bank machine, was there even one in there. Dammit. Just as Parry was at his breaking point and was nearly about to start pan handling for his movie tickets, he heard an all too distinctive voice, “Parry, Parry, over here”…it was his sister Christy. “Hey Christy”, parry said reluctantly, knowing he was vulnerable to an assault. “What the hell are you doing, you look like you are lost”, she said. “no I’m not lost, its just I tried to get some money out from this machine, and it wouldn’t accept my card, because its scratched”, he said. “What about dinner, you spent all your money”, Gwen inquired. “yeh it’s a long story but dinner was more than I thought, and now I’m broke and I can’t use my card to get in”. “Does Gwen have any money” “yeh but I don’t want her to pay for the movie, I just wanted to take care of it, for one evening you know”. “Christ parry, if she’s got the money just use it, she’s not going to think anything less of you”. “I know”, Parry said sheepishly, now reduced to kicking the pavement like a child. “Here”, Christy extended her hand. “I shouldn’t be doing this, cause I love to see you suffer, but this is just too horrible for me to watch. Take this twenty bucks, and pay me back when you get your card sorted out”. “Really Christy, oh you’re awesome, thanks”, parry took the money. “Don’t get too comfortable, Parry, I’m only ceding here so that my opponent won’t surrender the war. I still hate you”. “Gee, thanks Christy, at least I know the money is coming from a hateful place, it eases the conscience a little”. “Funny”. “Thanks Sinead, I do appreciate it, I owe you one”, and Parry rubbed her head, and ran back in line to find Gwen. Finally in the theatre, ready for the show, Parry again started to relax, because Gwen had snuggled herself into his arm, just as the movie began. Now, sitting down, he felt a sense of accomplishment, that he had actually done something good, and felt proud of himself. Unfortunately, the feeling only lasted a half hour. Everytime Parry had gone to see a film with a girl, it was usually a romantic comedy, which was fine, because it was light enough, but each time a couple kissed onscreen or declared their feelings for another, Parry got nervous. In a way, Parry felt as if he had to appropriate those moments on screen and redistribute them with the girl he was with. He felt this strange compulsion or need to try and mimic the actors of the silver screen, while losing confidence in his own abilities to be romantic. Ironically, then, the notion of romance, was entirely lost on Parry because he was trying too hard to realize Hollywood, therefore losing sight of what was actually going on in the real world. As the couple on screen were slowly making shorter and less subtle passes at each other, Parry started to heat up with nerves. “Should I hold her hand, touch her head, whisper something into her ear? What should I do?”. He got so nervous that his hands started sweating, and then he started worrying about that as well, especially after Gwen had commented on it, “Are you alright Parry, you’re hands are all sweaty”. “Sure, just kind of hot in here that’s all”, which didn’t really seem right because he had already peeled of his button shirt and was now only wearing a t-shirt, while everybody else in the theatre was wearing a sweater. For the last half of the movie, Parry wasn’t watching the screen, but kept glancing at Gwen, to fulfill his compulsion to “appear interested in her”, just like the actors were doing. He would accompany his glances with intermittent hand changes, where he would either switch from right to left or vice versa, in what he told himself was just mixing things up and making it interesting, that was really a façade, for giving his hands time to dry off. Now at the climax of the film, the couples on screen kissed, and Parry felt his forehead, where he could swear he felt some sweat, which, of course was then compounded by his awareness of it, and the added stress of whether he should kiss Gwen. He decided to give it a shot, but as he was leaning in to her ear, he pulled back at the last minute, because he realized his face was as hot as a griddle, and he didn’t think it would be all that great for Gwen if she received a hot imprint on the side of her face. Without warning, it felt like the air just escaped Parry’s body, his heart started beating madly, and he felt out of control. It was another panic attack, that hit Parry unknowingly, but really was precipitated by the fact that because he was so aware and critical of what he was doing, he thought that other people were aware of it as well, and felt like he was being watched from behind. Like the 10 year old in church, he felt like he was on the firing squad again, and started squirming in his seat, in an attempt to hopefully alleviate the panic, and the feeling that he was under scrutiny. With all of his movement, Gwen couldn’t help but see if he was okay again, “Is something wrong?”, and terrified that he would be found out for his thoughts and his panic, he replied “Oh no, I’m fine, I just have to go to the bathroom”, and he bolted out of the row they were sitting in and ran for the lobby. Once outside the cinema, he felt calm again, having fled the conflict, and relaxed somewhat. He took a few deep breaths and went to the bathroom, to once again, assume his position in front of the sink, and splash some water on his face. With a moment of clarity, he caught himself in his gaze and managed to laugh, “You are a fool”, he muttered under his breath. And after having the strength to admit, and face his ridiculous reaction, he towelled off, and headed back into the movie theatre. As he opened the door he saw the credits rolling. He had missed the end of the film. “Great”, he thought, and scampered through all the people that were heading his way to get out of the theatre. “Excuse me, sorry, excuse me sorry, excuse me sorry, yep sorry” he said, and again felt the unwanted centre of attention, so he made a joke of it as a way to get back at the people who he thought were critical of him, “Excuse me, excuse me, my wife is having a baby, excuse me, my wife is having a baby”. He didn’t really know why he said it, but it usually was the only way a normal citizen could part his way through a crowd, without wearing a uniform, and people seemed to respond to it. After he reached Gwen, people stopped to see what was going on and he said to the crowd, “False alarm, everybody, it was just fart, don’t worry, thanks for your help”. He laughed to himself, and people stared at him, not really knowing what to think or say, but Parry noticed an element of relief that registered on their face. Before Gwen could ask him what it was all about, he got her hand and they left the theatre. Once outside, Parry said, “Wow, that was a great movie”, and Gwen stared at him, a little longer than usual with keen interest, “Yeh, it was, is everything okay Parry, you seem a little frazzled”. Parry desperately wanted to tell Gwen that he was frazzled, and that he was having a panic attack, but he just couldn’t. He felt too exposed even trying, even alluding to it, it was a secret that only he had the key for, and he refused to unlock it, because the prospect of opening up, was almost worse than the secret itself. So he kept it in with another lie, “no, I’m fine, I just ran into someone I hadn’t seen in a long time, and it just surprised me really, I’m fine, thanks for asking”. It was nearing the end of the date, but Parry was so excited and interested in Gwen, that he wanted to prolong it as long as possible. He figured they could go to a new café that had opened in his neighbourhood, and get some coffee, before he drove her home. Normally, Parry would hang out at a run of the mill coffee shop, nothing fancy, no frills, just a straightforward donut shop, that attracted all of the working class, cops, security guards, construction workers, that sort of thing. He would have loved to say it was a conscious choice, that he went there out of some higher purpose or love for the working class, but really, he only went there because there weren’t any other options in the neighborhood. It became a gathering place every evening for him and his friends, a place they could go to get away from home, hang out, tell jokes, smoke cigarettes, and drink coffee. For Parry it was just a nice cap to the day, to reflect on the day’s happenings and then go home to sleep. It was like one big long nightcap. The new café they planned on going to, was in different camp from what Parry was used to. It was actually a café, thus attracting a more middle/upper middle class folk, that didn’t include many of the weird types that came to the donut shop. There was local artwork on the walls, an actual décor, and enough coffee variations to please every coffee drinkers fetish. Parry didn’t feel all that comfortable there, because of all these added elements, but he didn’t want to take Gwen to his normal place, because there would be people there he knew, and he just wanted some time alone with Gwen, without having his buddies, elbowing him in the ribs, and making sly rude jokes to egg him on. They got to the coffee shop, and immediately the place didn’t suit him, because it was too quiet. In his coffee shop, there were whoops of pleasure coming at least every two minutes, laughter, swearing, it was a hangover bar, a place you could go to fill in time before you got drunk, while this café, was actually a place where calm, resolute conversation was had. Nevertheless, he did want some time with Gwen, so they ordered some coffee. “What can I get for you sir”, the lady asked Parry, “oh just a medium coffee is fine”. “What sort of beans would you like, Colombian, Jamaican, Costa Rican, the choices are all on our board”, and she pointed behind her, where sure enough, there was a list of countries with prices beside them. “um, just a coffee is fine, whatever country is easiest”. The wait staff looked at him with slight disdain for his uncultured tastes and turned around to make him a cup. Gwen ordered a café latte, and Parry got nervous, because he had no idea what that was, and felt a little stupid to ask. When her café latte arrived, Parry stared at the bowl it came in, and Gwen, seeing he was interested in it asked him if he wanted to try it. “Sure, looks good”, and he took a sip. “MMM, takes like hot chocalate, nice”. Then Gwen started laughing at parry. “What, what is it? Parry asked. “you’ve got some foam on your nose”, and she whisked if off with her hand. Parry a little red faced, thanked her, and grabbed his coffee. The two got a table in the back and enjoyed a nice conversation. Gwen was asking him what he was into, what he liked, and Parry, at a loss for interests, didn’t know what to say, except that he liked video games, and blushed again, realizing he really was an idiot. But before all was lost, Gwen perked up by saying she did too, and they discussed different kinds of video games, none of them really matching, because Parry was into sports games while Gwen was more into fantasy. It didn’t matter mind you, as Parry was just happy that he didn’t look like a fool. Parry made Gwen laugh a lot which was nice, because it allowed him time to think about his interests, which was entirely futile, because he really didn’t have any at all, but it gave Parry a sense of purpose and meaning. All the while that they were sitting there, Parry was munching on a bowl of what looked and tasted like chocalate covered nuts of some kind. There was a little bowl next to him, that he seemed to control, as Gwen didn’t seem that interested in them. “These are pretty good”, he said to Gwen, “There like Closette peanuts”. At this, Gwen started laughing more loudly, and Parry wondered what he had said. “Do you know what those are? She asked Parry. “no”. “There chocolate covered espresso beans”. “Really they taste all right to me”, and Parry kept eating them. “you are defintely a unique guy” Gwen said, and finished her latte. “I’m just going to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a second”. “yeh me too, I shouldn’t have had that second coffee, I’ll meet you back here”. As Parry stood up to go to the toilet, his chest felt like it was caving in, and he was drowning, struggling for air. A panic attack. Another one, but this time it was more enhanced, stronger. The more he fought against it, the more it seemed to get under his skin, as he was completely out of his head in fear and terror. Everything became silent and he felt like he was struggling to get out of himself, like he was choking, and everybody around him was in slow motion, the wait staff looked at him curiously as Parry'’ eyes looked like they would pop out of his head. “Are you alright?”, she asked him and looked down at the table they were sitting at. “oh no”. “What what” Parry managed. “Youdidn’t eat that whole bowl of chocolate did you”, “Yeh, and half the other one”. “Oh my god, I’ll get you some water, those were espresso beans, they have a huge caffeine content, so you’re just reacting to the caffeine, don’t worry you’ll be okay, just sit down and I’ll come back with some water”. “Easy for you to say for chrissakes, Parry thought to himself as he was surfing one wave of panic, and then landing on another. “jesus”. He got his water, and forgot about going to the bathroom, by which time Gwen had returned and was ready to leave. This time, Parry didn’t feel so embarassed and secretive about his panic, because he could reasonably attribute it to something outside of himself this time, and therefore didn’t risk sounding like the paranoid guy he really was. “It was the beans”, he said to Gwen as they were on their way to her house, “you were right, not a good idea”, and he took a big breath, to keep himself slightly on reality’s plane. Gwen thought it was hilarious, so she laughed, which made Parry more comfortable, so he laughed as well, calming himself a bit, from each pitch and heave of anxiety. “You’re not going to get any sleep tonight, I’m so sorry, I should have told you what those beans were”. “No problem, I don’t need to sleep anyway, its overrated”. Gwen laughed. He reached her house, where Gwen thanked him for a great evening, and the tension built as Parry wondered what to do next. “Do it, just do it, do it”. So he leaned in and they kissed, at which moment, Parry fell off his waves and was made numb by the electricity of emotions that skipped through his body. It seemed like an eternity, and it was, for the two minutes they were locked together, Parry felt like a Buddhist monk in meditation, fully knowing, fully aware. Something he had never experienced without second guessing and doubt. This time, for the first time, Parry felt real, he had a place in the world, and it was right here, in the moment. As Gwen broke off, Parry could help to say Wow, and Gwen agreed with him as she smiled and her eyes gleaned with a slight sparkle of acknowledgment. She went inside, and Parry got back in his car. The rest of the drive home was a mixture of emotions Parry had inside of him, but had never had reason to experience before. Usually they would be associated with scenarios, possiblities he would cook up with his imagination, but this time, he had real proof that he wasn’t crazy, that his thought, his ideas, did have a place in the world, and they did happen to people. Overjoyed with himself, and his newfound claim to sanity, he rushed inside his house, and got into bed. He wouldn’t sleep for the whole evening, brought up violently from an attempt to dream from lasting drips of caffeine in his system, but he didn’t mind. His last waking thought were Gwen’s eyes as they parted from each other, he stared at their image, and fell in love with himself, for the first time at that moment, because he knew, that being crazy wasn’t that bad. Even if it only meant one hour’s sleep. quote: |
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