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Ben Pike
Junior Member
since 1999-11-14
Posts 20
Southwestern Virginia

0 posted 1999-11-17 06:20 PM




"That's not what I saw," Layne said, leaning against his porch rail with his arms folded.
Bob and I just stared at him. We had been climbing all weekend and it was still Sunday night but we'd already heard a little about an accident at the job site the day before.
"I thought Max was going to call a crane," Bob said.
"He tried to," Layne said. "But they were all busy or too expensive. I think they charge extra for the five miles of uphill dirt road."
"So you decided..."
"I didn't decide," Layne said.
"Max decided..."
"And he had some help," Layne said.
Bob and I studied his face for a second and then Bob said, "Rupert."
Layne nodded slowly the affirmative.

His real name I'm not sure if I ever knew but I never will forget the first day he came out to the first house Max ever framed for him, all Banana Republic shirt ironed and tucked into khakis around the bulk, brand new Panama straw hat shading his pale face, standing pigeon toed on part of the deck that we had already sheethed, hands on his hips. "How y'all doin'?" he squeaked, and Cale cracked up, just a little too loud.
So Layne went over and let Max introduce him and they talked for a few minutes about how well the house was going and what a perfect day it was for working outside, which it was, but you could tell that this guy had never had the opportunity to find out. I went back to trimming a rim board but the big man just had to walk over to where Cale was working.
Unfortunately the piece of wood he chose to stand on was the one that Cale needed to use next.
Cale stalled for a minute, popping extra nails into a block, and then he looked up at the man who paid the man who paid him and said, "Could you stand off that plywood, Rupert?"
And Rupert moved, right away, but he looked horrified at being told by a laborer that he was in the way on his own project. He made some excuse about a meeting at the bank, climbed into his Jeep Cherokee and drove away.

"So there were four of you lifting that wall yesterday," Bob said to Layne.
"Right," he affirmed.
"And when you got it about halfway up you decided it was too big for that?" I asked.
"Decided nothing," Layne said. "We were twigs under that thing."
"So someone or some consensus decided to let it fall and jump out of the way before it hit, but Rupert didn't make it."
"He went the wrong way," Layne said.
"Backwards," I said.
Layne nodded.
"And he got pinned," Bob said.
"Smashed," Layne said.
"So you all ran over there and lifted it off him and he was basically okay?" I asked.
Layne just stared at a squirrel in the front yard so I knew I had gone too far, that somewhere the story we'd already heard and the one Layne wasn't telling had diverged.
"How long was the wall on top of him?" Bob asked.
Layne just looked at us so I knew either we had the wrong questions or that there were no right ones.
"Have you talked to Max yet?" Layne asked.
Bob shook his head, "Just Detroit."
Then Layne stood off the porch rail, saying, "Let's go see if the old man's at home."


------------------
"There are no survivors on this earth" -Juan Matus


[This message has been edited by Ben Pike (edited 11-17-1999).]

[This message has been edited by Ben Pike (edited 11-17-1999).]

[This message has been edited by Ben Pike (edited 11-17-1999).]

© Copyright 1999 Ben Pike - All Rights Reserved
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
1 posted 1999-11-18 01:49 AM


I think I see the general gist of the direction of this story, however as it seems unfinished... I want to reserve any opinions on the actual story for a later time.
One thing I would like to point out however...LOL, (I'm subject to this myself...)

"His real name I'm not sure if I ever knew but I never will forget the first day he came out to the first house Max ever framed for him, all Banana Republic shirt ironed and tucked into khakis around the bulk, brand new Panama straw hat shading his pale face, standing pigeon toed on part of the deck that we had already sheethed, hands on his hips. "


Whew! Almost ran out of breath on that one! Perhaps cutting it into smaller pieces would make it easier to read!

merlynh
Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411
deer park, wa
2 posted 1999-11-19 10:31 PM


One of the better efforts I've seen on this web site in a while. Your getting there. Don't let anybody get you down.
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada
3 posted 1999-11-20 12:49 PM


This is indeed a good begining. Is there more coming? I hope so. I agree with Christopher. You have some very long sentences in places that would better serve your reader if they were shortened. There were places in the story where I almost lost the thought because the sentences ran on so long.

You have a great begining here and if you work on it a bit it could be extrodinary.


Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669
Michigan, US
4 posted 1999-11-21 07:23 AM


This a wonderful example of the power of dialog to both move plot and add tension. Great start!
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
5 posted 1999-11-22 05:50 PM


After reading the other posts I realized a few of your sentances were long, but I really felt they flowed, kind of like talking and I wasn't put-off by them at all.
Your dialogue was very natural and your narrative discriptive. I was a little confused about what was happening though. Maybe I'm just dense, or don't know much about construction, but I felt like I missed something.

I think you have done a good job here and I would really like to find out more about this story.

Deep Blue Me
Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 396
By a big lake
6 posted 1999-11-22 06:45 PM


Good storyline, interesting characters, Great opening dialogue. Can't wait to see this fleshed out and continued.

DB

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