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The Last Patrol
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The Last Patrol |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN 
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This was something I've had an urge to write, it turned out a lot differently than what I thought it would.. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks! I swung my head back and forth, absorbing the darkening forest scene around me. The deep fragrance of pine needles assailed my nose. Horrifying visions of pine tree’s distorted grotesquely, groping for me appeared before my blurred half-crazed eyes. My desperate trek, no, my mad flight through this netherland is taking its toll on my body. . How long have I been running through this never-ending hell of fauna, flora, and them? I cannot say. I must push on though, for to stop is death, to rest is death, to flee is to prolong the agony. It all began with the rising of the sun, the molten gold orb that hangs in the sky, silent god to us all, smothering us in it’s golden rays of love. With the rising of that brilliant body came the common order to rise. My fellows and I roused ourselves, quite testy from lack of sleep. From our bunks we sprang and were quickly garbed and groomed for the day. The sweaty, uncomfortable leather and steel draped over my shoulders and the heavy steel of my sword awkward at my hip just like the rest of my fellows. Then the veteran came by and opened his iron coffer to retrieve from its depth a small crystalline star on a steel chain. He put one around each of our necks, mine included, and with a hiss and a small flash of life, we were protected from the magic that our enemy used so callously. The power of technology always found a way to overcome the rituals of our enemy’s barbarism, it was a proven fact to myself and my comrades. All of us relied on this technology to a point of weakness. No one wanted to become the unwilling body of a blood sacrifice, a fate worse than death. Thus prepared with armor and weapons, we set out on our patrol. The clinking of chainmail and armor plates rose softly over the crunch of gravel underfoot, a comforting, lulling sound. All was well with the night, night birds sent up their sorrowful songs, and night animals could be seen drifting silently by the roadside. As we began treading silently into the beginnings of a forest of pine, the shrill of the night birds disappeared, and the animals had vanished from our sight. The comforting aroma of pine needles rose with each step, even so the forest was eerie and sent a chill to my bones. As I moved through it, every nerve in my body screamed alarm, but I walked on impervious to my instinct. We marched for an hour more into the woods, and not a thing had happened. I began to discredit my feeling of impending doom to an overactive imagination, tension and stress. That was when it struck. All we heard were the screams of those being mauled and killed, and then there was a shocking silence, and a quarter of our number were dead. We took off at a frantic run, dashing through the forest. My mind a blur, as I sped through the undergrowth, every possible situation running through my horrified mind. Visions of the mangled limbs of my comrades and their blood dying the earth filled my eyes. We ran until we could run no more, falling to the ground in exhaustion, and I passed out. I came to, quite dazed and my head throbbed horribly. The bright sun filtering through the emerald canopy made me flinch in pain, and my fellows seemed to feel the same. Then they came again. Streaks of black flashed through the camp, the screams of those attacked were horrifying. The shapes themselves were hideous, a mass of horns, leathery hide, and blood red eyes was all I saw in the brief instant they were there. Then, as quick as they had appeared, they were gone, and only a legacy of blood betrayed them. I leapt to my feet and ran again like a frightened rabbit. I don’t know what happened to my friends, I ran on. Thorns tore at my face, slashing me until the blood ran down my body in rivulets and my clothes were torn to shreds. I kept on, my lungs on fire, and my eyes blurring. Closing my eyes brought up visions of the dark things streaking swiftly through my imagination, to maul, disembowel and maim me, and I heard the shrieks of the dying again. And I still run, and to stop is to die. I feel no more pain, but in my mind rings those horrifying shrieks, of humans, my brothers in arms, as they are ripped to shreds by claws, steel sharp, and powerful. And to know I’m next, it’s too much, I feel it gnawing me. Pain… Crushing pain in my side, what is this I feel? So warm I feel, warm and wet… Am I dreaming? Did I fall asleep during a nice warm soak? Darling? Sweet love I left behind, is that you that calls? I come, I come, my darling… I feel so warm… I feel… [This message has been edited by Dusk Treader (edited 11-13-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Abrahm Simons - All Rights Reserved | |||
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Well written, this tale likes me much. ------------------ Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
This is a well told tale, imagery is wonderful. The change from narrorator to 1st person doesn't suit me though. Just MHO. I also find the sentences run too long. If you break them up a bit more the story will flow smoother for the reader. oh and in Paragraph 3.....one sentence ends like this.....magic that their enemy. Their enemy what? I had to reread that several times and still lost the thought. Overall I think it is an excellent story but think it could be improved slightly. Thanks for letting me have my say...  |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Thank you, for your comments, nice to know I've been read. Marilyn - I've reread my story (I'm a procrastinator until I die.. I didn't bother to proof this, how rude, eh?) And I've found many typos, and fixed some of those run-ons you spoke of. Also, paragraph 3? Not even could understand it, I thought I had finished it.. but Um.. I guess I didn't.. Well, thanks for the advice, and just thank you for writing! ------------------ "Threatened by Shadows at night, and exposed in the light" - Pink Floyd |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
I enjoyed the read also - thanks ------------------ Through poetry my heart and soul truly sing... ~Isis~ (Daughter of Mystery) |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Comments or advice? My, my's, they're a little too many of them for me. |
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Watcher666 Senior Member
since 1999-10-13
Posts 1606 |
Liked this much!!! ------------------ Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you. |
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Ruby dagger Member
since 1999-08-01
Posts 76Wyoming, MN, U.S.A |
Such a great story, shows so much imagry and feeling, I love it ------------------ Luv ya Kelly I'm no different than the average girl, my dreams wrap around the world. -Rebecca Lynn Howard |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Abrahm, this is incredible. You blew my mind! Hrmph, you do a better first person story than I do, and I have 37 pages of mine! Oh well, to read something this good is quite a treat, especially from you. The imagery is wonderful, it definitely kept me intrigued, my friend. Sorry for not getting to this earlier! ------------------ *Krista Knutson* "To be great is to be misunderstood...." - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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Maverick Wolf Member
since 1999-11-13
Posts 94Scandia, MN |
Very well written. You certainly have a very high amount of writing talent. The style of writing exactly matched the subject. Great job. |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Dusk Treader ... I am breathless, as I ran with you. Rapidly the story moved. I caught the fragrance of the pines, the cacaphony of the gunfire, the rapid breathing of a man running, the pain felt excruciatingly, the horror of the hunt. I cried at the vision of it all. I cried at the shallow breathing of the tormented soul. I cried. ------------------ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ noles1@totcon.com |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Thank all of you so much for replying! A special thanks to Krista for always supporting me. And a special thanks to you, Marge, for such a beautiful response! ------------------ "'Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape, from the life I live when I'm awake" - Creed - "Higher" |
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