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More In Sorrow
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More In Sorrow |
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Echo Rhayne Senior Member
since 1999-09-17
Posts 1495Canyon Country, CA 
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I have been born into a world I knew nothing of...I had no concept of pain, I had no idea what it was...But I was young, innocent, and so naive, and I soon found out how it is. I thought I could trust, I thought I could lean on this world, but I soon found out what it means...to fall face to the ground. I try to get back up, but I am pushed back down. I have out stretched hand, and bleeding wrist. It didn't take me long to learn that if I trust, I get burned. I can put a name to my pain...and that name is life. Attempt after attempt, will my heart ever be free of contempt? The scars on my flesh are the chronicles of my life’s best. Eternal memories of why I've come to this...The thorn in my side, the knife stuck in my back, never again to trust anyone. I am a portrait of hate, I stare myself in the face. My mirror haunts, and my firsts are bleeding from the broken glass. It twists, it writhes, and it sinks its teeth into my mind bending me against everyone. Please, set me free, I'm becoming the epitome of what I oppose. My hardened heart has turned to clay. I have so many emotions that don't click. And so much hate that I let pile up. I kick and scream for things to change, but then I'm all out of breath and everything is just the same. Because I'm trying' but dying' ...I'm putting' up the act to fill the hole where my life lacks. There is confidence behind the sweat the stings my eyes. All that anger and all that fear, all those questions I have in my head are there for a reason. I am only as strong as the chains weakest link, so I might not be quite as strong as you think. A nation divided against itself will fall, and I can’t put it together, so I'm nothing at all. You can’t tell me I am complete, and that being tough is enough. 'Cause everyone can see right through my front, and they're calling' my bluff. I claim to hold my own, but I'm defending' my weak spot. The hole in my heart is where I know I need God. My eyes are open wide, my skin grows pale, because I am face to face with the truth, and its as hard as nails. I say, how can you say what I say, how can you suggest what I might need. I say, you don't know a thing about me or how I think. I say, I should shut my mouth, but there's one thing I know...Your eyes, they see as mine, I know you've got to feel the pain like I do. This world is grinding me down. The faith I've got seems so thin. I know exactly how I want to live, but I crumble so fast. There's no discipline. My weakness is my downfall...But I only have myself to blame. I am so two-faced, so hypocritical. This struggle I embrace takes to much strength to run the human race. I want to forget what is behind and press on toward the goal to strive for what's ahead but I take hold of this struggle. I think about how God suffered, and how his sweat was like drops of blood. Then I see how quickly I'm broken, and how fast I lose my faith in the flood of dissipation, temptation, frustration, and I fall on my knees. This pitiful celebration of self, has got to cease. How many times have I walked this ground with repentance on my lips? How many times have I turned my back to fill my heart with nothing? But God will never forsake me. He gave His life, and I will do the same. The pride and the greed, the selfish sense of need, the anger unjustified, and self-righteous conceit. The pitiful self-indulgence, the lack of self-control, the self-centered motives, and the trip of the ego...It's time to rise, confront, and crucify. It's time to start to live. It's time I finally died! See, self is the thing, I've got to kill for the King. There isn't room for the two within me. That's the truth. Day in, day out, the sun rises and sets. Pages turn in the life of ours, and we can't count the regrets. We have been given free will to choose the path of life, or to wallow in our failure. I have fallen on my face, and it is not the first time. I cry a knowledge cry of things gone wrong. I have played the master, I have played the fool...How far down is down? There I lie...bruised and beaten. Used and bleeding. To trust is faith, and my faith ran sour. Is this my hour when darkness reigns? Looking back, my life has been so lost. Life is so dark and empty. But I can’t forget where I've been. Things I've done and things done to me are like concrete, encasing my feet. Pulling me so deep, the guilt just wont let me sleep. But I know sorrow brings death. My life is so lost, my life is so dark and empty. My finger points, but the direction is unknown...My words are like venom, they spill from ignorance, and they are born in fear, but spoken in confidence. When words are received, my defense builds quickly, and my anger speaks. A fuse burns so fasts, tempers explode. I build up walls, and let my heart grow stone cold. Look within yourself, what do you find? I am always reaching but I will never crush another man to gain the upper hand. Where there is no foothold I've come into the deep waters, the floods engulf me. I'm worn out calling for help, my throat is parched. I endure scorn for everyone's sake, and shame covers my face. The insults of those who insult you fall on me. My eyes they fail me, looking for my God. Those who hate me without reason, outnumber the hairs on my head. Many are my enemies, who seek to destroy me. I'm forced to restore what I did not steal. You may not know how I'm disgraced and shamed, and my enemies may not be before you. But their eyes are darkened, so they cannot see, and their backs are bent forever. One nation under God, and in him we trust...Well, I'll believe it when I see it, but I wont get my hopes up. This melting pot of age, denomination, and race has boiled over with prejudice, disgrace and shame faced. Hate seems to be a national pastime. I'm building my stronghold on the Rock of Ages, not on the sands of sin because I know it wages are death, but God's love has given the breath of new life. So don't forget. Watch TV and see the worlds definition of love, immorality glorified far above the importance of where man stands with God, and I think its got to stop! I won't call this home. Every time I turn my head, this place is in my face. So Blasphemous. Screaming its obscenities, its abominations bleed my eyes. These wicked flames that flicker pain, try night and day to consume me. The smell of death on everything I touch, cost of acceptance is far too much. But not for long, because I am going home, my savior's coming for me. I've got to hold my head up high, and try not to lose my focus. I've got to stand my ground while this world rips at my flesh. This nation we witness, the child of progress, the land of opportunity, the land of success, is just a cauldron of souls that about overfilled an empire the devil has worked so hard to build. So for as long as I'm here, for the rest of my days, I won't confirm this world, I won't adopt its ways. Christ's Kingdom is coming, and without Him it’s hopeless. So until that day...you can consider me homeless. I have been hit by a thousand stones, backed by two thousand angry fists, and hit by flying, blind arrows. In the mind of a child the lines thin between right and wrong. But give it time, I'm sure things will change before long. But if ever a child grows up strong, with a mind of his own, will he sing out loud the blind man's song? Or will he be...Hit by thousand stones, backed by two thousand angry fists, and hit by flying, blind arrows as well? For God's sake, I'll endure this. I will now lay these broken arrows at God's feet, have Him take them from me, and see this blind child on my knees. In the land of the blind, I can’t seem to find my place. For so long, I've closed my eyes, and hoped no one feels the tears on my face. But if I ever arrive one day, with throat dry as sand, will you greet me with a warm embrace? God will find me broken in a place called misery. He will find me full of hatred...yet empty. With all the trophies of the path I chose hung around my neck like shackles. Though my blood is fermented by my blackened heart your hand is stretched out to me asking nothing. I am deserving of nothing but guilty of all, but you didn't let me fall. And though I don't understand you or why you value me, I am forever grateful. They took something beautiful and smeared it all with blood and now I have both hands out in front of me when push comes to shove. Proudly I will cash in on those that have violated me and stand tall for everything that I've come to hate. I want to see them fall down. I will not succeed, I will drown, being choked by my own greed. Hatred swells inside my head. I am blind and only seeing red. Ludicrous, lost in though, this anger inside is all I have. I am unaware of what it costs, and with the absence of love, I'm already lost. My bitter heart cultivates hate. I am so consumed by my own intentions, that my own blood becomes fermented. I am clutching my own will, and I've already killed. Forgiveness is hard to find just beneath the gnashing teeth of pride and animosity. I feel my heart still beating, I hear myself still breathing, but there comes a time when we have to face the reflection of the world in our ways for all have sinned and fallen shy of the grace that's show in both out lives. I need something to burn away this pain, and drench me. I have been placed beneath this still sky that is only reflecting blue...So imperfect in contrast and yet we continue to do the things we do. I want to set ablaze to this garden and ignite it by sulfurous pride. When will I feel the burning inside? What once burned so violently in my heart is now a cold, hard, distant, calloused part of me. What I embrace, is what I become, and you can see in my face the things I used to run from. There is so much to belong to, so much to pursue, so much to consume, so much to consume me. I will get burned when I touch a flame but I guess I've learned that from the pain. Am I so bold as to think that I can go on this way? I am all alone in a world that has left me so cold. Every day that I breathe the breath of life, I face the hate, the pain, the strife that invade my mind, and I try to close my eyes but enmity surrounds me. Bitterness and animosity, but that's not what I want to be, and it fill my heart with grief. I can feel it in the air around me...a sense of hopelessness. The truth is hidden in the mess and I am getting restless. I know that this world will fade despite the words I say, but I can't just look away, or watch it all decay. The anger's here, the hatred's here, but when I look into your eyes, it's more in sorrow, than in anger, that I raise my voice. Your respect is not enough for me to sit silently. The things I say, I mean. It's not about what you think of me. It's not enough for me to die. Just knowing that I tried. I don't want to see your life destroyed by countless lies. The world is constantly shifting, sifting through ideals gone past 'til it's finally over at last. It bleeds my mind, but for what it's worth...I left it all behind. Nothing is sacred. Nothing seems real. But how long can we go on in this stale conformity? So desensitized...broken down by lies. It all bleeds my mind. Despite all this chaos, despite all the lies, in the face of confusion, my God is steadfast. All I remember are broken promises, and the remains of every day pain. A nihilistic state of mind is what I've left behind, and now I've come to find the way, the truth, and the life along the road less traveled. Lifeless, empty, stagnant, stillborn, hollow, frozen, listless, calloused...You can associate me with a cause, but its so much more than that. I try to reach out through it, but no one can see past what they scarred, twisted, raped and exploited. Bloodless, hateful, broken, complacent...I am all things to all men...not most things to some. Yet I remain so introverted. I have created my own religion, and it leaves me so isolated. Time has passed but brought had brought no change, apathy alone, is my final remain. Frustration is all I can feel, I serve the god that best serves me with no conviction or desire for truth. I can't see the path I've beaten, so broad, so crooked and my whitewashed heart is full of dead mans bones. Lifeless, empty, stagnant, malevolent...Do my veins still pulse with life or does my blood flow slow and cold? I have been called to be the salt and the light, but all I see is bitter darkness...darkness that can't be felt. It seems like the harder I try the farther I fall when I fail and the farther I fall, the harder it is to get back on my feet again. I punish myself trying to please everyone and establish worth in their eyes, but nothing I do is of value, and it is costing me my life. So...I put on my mask of contentment to cover the infamy on my face. I push myself toward shining achievement. My success is meaningless...I am so proud, yet it is a symbol of my shame. My excess is meaningless and I expect others to follow me into the flames. My way, I am constantly reaching for something everyone wants me to be. So I take pride and cash in on 'The American dream.' They say 'Be All That You Can Be’ but I can't even find the truth inside of myself. All I found was a withered seed, humanity. Most of what I live for means nothing to me. I would take any reason to die, and that saddens me. The blood on my wrists makes me sick and the reasons I give are meaningless. What am I to gain? To go the world's way is meaningless, all I will attain is all my pain and a lack of purpose. So I put on my mask of contentment to cover the infamy in my face, and push towards shining achievement. BUT...there is a broken tree...and maybe the limbs of this broken tree will heal themselves in time, or maybe the limbs from this broken tree will petrify hard as stone. As I peel back the layers I find things I never knew were there, and as I listen to my prayers I hear myself confused and scared. This broken tree feels like it is a part of me somehow, controlling my destiny. Has the seed of broken promises decided what I will be? And I, left to myself, can only hope to survive. And I, left to myself, can only slowly die. How long will I drift? Will I now know the difference? Have I withered so long that I have been shaped by this ocean of life? Will the legacy live on in me? Like mother like daughter? I don't believe that what I am is determined by what precedes me. And I know I have to realize that the past is not my future and in Christ I am a brand new creation, and given grace I know I can learn to forgive, and in the face of it all, given grace I can truly live. Its just that sometimes I feel alone, carrying only a few simple truths, with a weight of a world bent to bury them. I can feel myself getting tired, and the fire inside my heart now pales in comparison to what I once felt and I am dying. My eyes have bled so much they should have dried, and my body should be decayed by all the filth I have put inside. I push people away so they will let me go, but it's too dark and cold for me to be alone. Most of my thoughts are shadowed by the treachery of life. My convictions are torn and yellowed, and half aren't half as bright. Standing alone, I find myself so far away from everyone. When I look back upon where I left my path, I am there again, feeling slightly abandoned by everyone, when it was me that walked away. Traditions, addictions, I bear this responsibility. My own twisted actions now take their toll on me. I am infected, and affected, and I need you to let your light shine on my face. Fill this tattered shell once again in these dark days. I am superior and inferior. I need to have my life through rebirth before I lose the life I have and dissolve into earth. Interior...exterior...I used to know the difference. With a shred of hope, my eyes are closed tight. My blind hands clench, I need you. The hole I have dug myself into is deep and my arms are too short to reach out. I need you to lift me out. Life is quick time, and I feel lost. ------------------ ~*~ I write to know I am alive ~*~ [This message has been edited by Echo Rhayne (edited 10-05-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Echo Rhayne - All Rights Reserved | |||
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Welcome to Passions in Prose!  Powerful words you have brought into this, our home. Echo, you are well named because this all echoes my past and present perfectly. I wont lie and say I feel all your pain. I don't, I feel my own and more acutely since reading this piece. I am truly glad that you have continued to have faith in God in spite of all you have endured. Actually, it gives me a perverse pleasure to know I am not alone in my outlook on life, so for that I thank you as well. I know exactly how you feel my dear, been there, done that. That you are still able to find hope in God, even if that hope is just a longing for the end of this world, is a truly wondrous thing. I have not been able to do that. Life can indeed be a torment and each breath an agony in spite of the love of those around you. To be without that love is both easier and worse. Easier because you still feel next to nothing and harder because you must endure it alone. Of course, if you never let anyone in, you will not know what you are missing. Echo, my friend, my hand will always reach out of the Darkness to you. You have but to take it and I will help you from the hell you have created for yourself. Truly, I do understand. ------------------ Now and forever my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© |
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Dragoness Senior Member
since 1999-08-07
Posts 513 |
Echo....beautifully written.If ever you need a hand,a shoulder or someone the scream st just look to your side....I'll be there. ------------------ Set you heart free and your mind will follow. |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
Echo, I have to start to reply before I forget what I'm saying. You have a lot of mixed emotions here. From the heart it is indeed! I can really feel your struggle here. Let me say something to you that I hope you will take seriously. You know God is with you, you know He will never leave you. Satan also knows Echo. He (satan) uses things like this deception, self hate, worthlessness, hatred, unforgiveness. Those are his tools to keep you from God. BUT, and a big BUT, God gave you power over all your enemies. ALL OF THEM! Order them out of your life in the name of Jesus! People may think I'm nuts for saying this, and I don't care. I have been there, falling, lost, despair, and I guess in a way I still am. Knowing where you need to be, just not being able to get there. Your life is worth value! And the things you do in it my dear Echo were meant to please God, and pleasing Him means loving Him. When we set out to hold the things of this world it is where we fail, for we cannot please people all the time, and that should not be our focus. In Matt. 10:28 (The word fear often means to reverance when connected to God), And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear (reverance) Him Which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. The things of this world if we hold onto them will pull us down, and you're correct when you say you need to stay focused above. For all these are but a shadow a moment in time, and will pass. There is a better place and time coming. This is where we need to lay our burdens and feelings at Christ's feet. Things overwhelm us, we cannot handle things and they become to heavy for us to bare! Life here will have sorrow and pain, for everything negative their is a positive. We are in one big trial here, most of humanity does not see. Give the weight of the world to God and let him have it completely, for it is His to worry about. Matt.11:28 Come unto Me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29) Take MY yoke upon you, and learn of Me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30) For MY yoke is easy, and MY burden is light. All you need to do is call out to Him and he will lift you. Let Him be the one who is in control and not you. The hardest thing to do is to leave it in God's hands, and not try to deal with it on our own. He can manage far better than we. As far as our sin, we all do it, we all fall short of the glory of God, but never His Grace. He can cleanse you and make you whole again Echo. When you ask, it is forgiven, forgotten and the slate is wiped clean. He is merciful, loving, patient and forgiving! When we ask forgivness for our actions they are wiped away, as far as the east is from the west, that is as far as I remove your iniquities. Until we fall again, then we once again ask for forgivness. He is able to make us whole, bring us out of the pits we are in, we are never to far or too deep that He cannot reach down and lift us up. He can make better what we cannot!! As far as trusting, He is all we can truly trust. For we are His children, and He loves you dearly. Just as a loving mother would do anything for her children, that was good for them, He is the same where we are concerned. He will not give what will hurt us, but He watches over us like an eagle who flutters over her young. With her protecting wings and her young under it. So God is with His children, as He gives His arm to protect them. He is all powerful, there is nothing He cannot do. He surely can lift you up, and give you a renewed life! I hope I have not rambled on here, which I'm sure I have. I feel I need to reach out to you and say these things. So I will or did. Echo you are free anytime, to contact me, email, icq whatever. If you need to talk I will listen. My life was a mess before becoming to God, drugs, drinking, abusive relationships. I've been down, I've been lost. It's not that I don't ever fail anymore, God knows I do all the time, but my life is different because of Him and what He can do. For that, I am forever greatful. If I can be of any help to you I will. God Bless you sweet Echo. May He guide your paths, your heart and your soul! May you find happiness and relief and peace! (((HUGS))) |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I too know the termoil your thoughts envoke. I have been through and still travelling a road of darkness in my life. Alone is a powerful word when people you choose are not there when you need them. I have few words of comfort, that I am sure you have not heard before. WhtDove has said almost everything I wanted to say to you except this. We fall on our knees and ask to be forgiven by God our Father and he forgives and wipes the slate clean. He also tells us to do the same. You wrote of your hatred and the only way you can stop it from dragging you back into the pit is by wipping it clean. Throw it away. All it can do is make you cold. It is the hardest thing in the world to accomplish but the Lord said "Turn the other cheek." This is my greatest downfall as well. I have so much bitterness inside of me that at one point I didn't know what to do with myself. I wanted to scream at the world. Strike out at those that hurt me so they could feel my pain. All that did was bring me to their level and I felt shame. Now I live my life one day at a time. I wake to new possiblities and hope for the best for that day. What this does for me personally is give myself some sanity. We all need someone to rely on and I offer myself to you. You need to talk.....I will be here to listen. [This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 10-05-1999).] |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
You're all I see but my shadow..... My heart is over flowing. There's so much you could ask of me......... So soon will you truly see... Take from me Let me be..... Your soul! This is Gods plea. Don't leave it unanswered. ------------------ "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." -Charles Brugnot |
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