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Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

0 posted 1999-09-27 03:08 PM


Greetings, friends!

Perhaps I should introduce myself. My name is LB, which is short for Little Buddy. I live in Ohio in a three bedroom house that I graciously share with four humans, two birds, and two of my fellow felines.

I have been pondering ways to eliminate the humans. They are worthless creatures, no doubt. The elder female is absolutely good for nothing. She stays gone all day, then feeds us cats the foulest excuse for food I have ever had to taste. Why, she should stay home and cook for me like all good humans do for their cats.

The elder male can be quite obnoxious in his unending attempts to lure me into his arms. He becomes very ludicrous when he begins calling me a "Baby Kitty." I never give in to his so-called "charms," but many a time I have spied upon Sunny and Snarf, the other two cats, lying in his arms. I simply cannot believe that they reduce themselves to that.

Fools.

The young male keeps my home in constant turmoil with his antics. He becomes exceedingly irritating with that odd box of his, a "stereo" I believe he calls it. It emits sounds so monstrous that I must flee to keep from damaging my fragile ears. And in my own home! The utter outrage!

What I don't understand is that he seems to not only despise the noise, but actually be in physical pain from it. Why, as soon as he starts it, he begins to wildly throw his head about. Sometimes his whole body violently convulses. I can only theorize that this is some sort of sound wave shock therapy.

The young female most often falls victim to the stunts I pull in my crusade to rid myself of these humans. My most notorious trick is to weave about their bottom legs, causing them to lose balance. Creatures that walk on two legs are so clumsy. This is most effective at the top of the stairs. I have come quite close to success with this method.

In between my attempts at this, and all the other responsibilities I must fulfill, such as eating, sleeping, knocking things down, and sharpening my claws on expensive pieces of art and furniture,I simply torture the humans for pleasure, especially the girl. She's always at that huge thing the call a computer, pushing a variety of small buttons with symbols on them, so I love to leap up on this control panel of sorts,pushing many of these buttons at once, and gracefully jump back down as she becomes enraged. I also lure them in with plaintive meows, and as they reach out to stroke my beautiful, glossy coat, I turn on them viciously, attacking with my razor-sharp claws and pointy white teeth. They fall for it every time. I also specialize in ambush attacks, which are quite amusing in the bathroom at night.

I have another motive for wanting the humans gone. If they are out of my home, I can take care of those blasted birds once and for all! The smaller blue one is constantly taunting me by fluttering about in its cage. And the larger green one never shuts its bloody wouth! Ever since it came here I've wanted nothing more than to permanently shut it up.It is particularly annoying when it mimics the humans calling "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." How demeaning to be called by a creature that isn't even born with the gift of speech. Besides, I believe they would make a good meal. Lord knows I don't get many of those.

Well, I've wasted to much time already. I need to go back to scheming. Sunny and Snarf are no help. They're on the humans' side. I may have to get rid of them too when I'm through with the humans. But remember, if a cat is generous enough to share a home with you,treat it well. For if you don't you may end up with a dangerous feline stalking the halls, plotting, just waiting for the right time.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

© Copyright 1999 Systematic Decay - All Rights Reserved
Dragoness
Senior Member
since 1999-08-07
Posts 513

1 posted 1999-09-27 09:04 PM


How true! I've thought my pets have ruled the house for a long time.I've always said....once they learn to use the can opener I'm a goner. Good read!

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Set you heart free and your mind will follow.

DreamEvil
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396

2 posted 1999-09-27 10:11 PM


Interesting depiction of a feline's innate unconcern. Nicely done piece.

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Now and forever my heart hears ~one voice~.
DreamEvil©


Pepper
Member Elite
since 1999-08-19
Posts 3079
Southern Florida
3 posted 1999-09-28 08:40 AM


delightful read.....enjoyed this much....well done...

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May your days be filled with lots of sunshine and your nights lit up by golden moonbeams

PhaerieChild
Senior Member
since 1999-08-30
Posts 1787
Aloha, Oregon
4 posted 1999-09-29 04:02 AM


You know I wondered where my cat went. Now I know

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What you hid from your parents as kids, you will hide from your kids as parents. ~Cletus T Judd~



JennyLee
Senior Member
since 1999-09-01
Posts 1461
Northwestern, NJ.
5 posted 1999-10-03 03:44 AM


Cats...
good one...
feline in motive and mind.

Jenny

caroline
Senior Member
since 1999-08-16
Posts 1218
http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm
6 posted 1999-10-03 11:32 AM


~*LOL*~ Good one SD! Think you've pegged the mind of a cat perfectly.

I'm a dog person, myself...there's nothing better than the company of someone who thinks you are the greatest thing since Milk Bones

suicidal dreams
Member
since 1999-09-28
Posts 343
Toledo Ohio USA
7 posted 1999-10-03 07:34 PM


Boy I know of the cat u speak of and you nailed her personality right on the head

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life is short kill quick

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