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The Hardest thing I've ever written about
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The Hardest thing I've ever written about |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas 
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Eyes Of a Child I was five. I don't know why they chose me. Perhaps it was because I was the quiet one. I envy you your innocence. I hope you realize how precious it is. Mine was taken from me through force. You never get over it; learning to live through the nightmares is as good as it gets. You learn to deal with it. Whatever that means. A part of me will always be scared. Maybe it's because I'm still the quiet one. I can't help but wonder if someone is watching me, seeing through my nonchalance and realizing they can hurt me. 14 years later, it's still hard to talk about. We were supposed to elaborate about a life-changing event. I had at first chosen the non-threatening subject of popular versus nerdy. But Sara changed all of that. She was brave and wouldn't let her fears prevent her from speaking out. So I won't either. That's why I'm sitting in the Roblee computer lab writing about being the victim of molestation. I lived in Amarillo Texas until the age of six. At the time, it was a very small town, the kind of place where everyone really did know your name. We were surrounded with friends and family. I attended kindergarten at West Texas Christian School, which was connected to our home church, Faith Baptist. Most of the memories I have of that time of my life are wonderful. I can still see myself riding in between the driveways of friends on a little pink three wheeler, and informing our neighbor with the forthright honesty only found in a small child, that smoking was going to kill her some day. However, there is one memory that sticks out in my mind, which can only be likened to an ink spot spreading on a pristine piece of white lace. I was molested. I cringe to even write the word, much less speak it out loud. Sitting here, writing this essay, I can see the sympathetic and pitying looks being directed my way. I can see the wheels turning in each of your heads, some trying to imagine what I must be feeling, some planning to offer kinds words to me after class, and some of you thanking God it wasn't you. You should thank God. Before you can even begin to grasp how my life was changed, I need to tell you about my experience. As I said, I was five. Just a shy, chubby little girl who's parents affectionately called bunny. I was so shy that talking to anyone but my immediate family was almost unheard of. It's common knowledge that every school has bullies. A Christian elementary school was no exception. There were two boys in particular that liked to torment the younger kids, chasing them, teasing them, and basically pushing them around. Needless to say, I avoided them. For reasons still unknown to me, one day I found myself the newest target of their cruelty. They would follow me around the playground, calling me names that at the time I didn't understand, but could gather were less than complimentary. This went on for about a week, until one day I was roughly pushed to the ground. Now everyone has his or her breaking point, even a shy five-year-old girl. I stood up and pushed them right back. A few moments passed as the two boys recovered from the shock of someone retaliating. They picked themselves up, and simply walked away. They never publicly bothered me again, and as far as I knew, it was over. Over a week later, I was playing in my open back yard when the two boys showed up. I simply looked at them, and continued swinging on the swing set. They approached the bars and told me I had better get off right now because they wanted to talk to me. Of course, I didn't. So, they grabbed the chain and forced me to a halt. They told me in no uncertain terms that I go behind my shed and talk to them, or I was going to get punched. Using a five-year-olds logic, a talk behind the shed was far better than a bruised arm. So, I went with them. I'm not going to go into the details; there is no point. I will close these memories once again by saying they did much more than talk. Now I'm going to jump ahead 14 years and tell you how this has "changed" my life. There were very good, and very bad personal consequences to what happened that day. As I'm sure you can all gather, there is a part of me that is very embittered and soured by what happened. I don't think any of you blame me for that. I was affected in such a profound way, that no matter what words, analogies, metaphors, similes, or any other writer's trade could make you understand how I feel. Not even another molested child can understand, because each case is it's own type of hell. My trust in all males died that day. Sadly, it has never returned. To put it as simply as I can, men scare me. I don't date, I don't socialize, not because I don't want to, but because my fear simply won't let me. I'm not homosexual, I have my own girlish fantasies and dreams of prince charming like other girls. It is a constant frustration to me when I want to break free, but I can't. When I hit junior high and guys started to become interested in me, I panicked. I strived to make myself unattractive and unappealing. My fear was so great; I gained quite a bit of weight, so as to safeguard myself from attention. I wanted to be ugly. I realize now it was not the correct decision to make, and I face the consequences of my actions. The best way to describe my reaction to any man is this. An automatic wall of ice is erected around me, and quite frankly, I become a shrew. Only a handful of males have stuck around long enough to find the chink in my armor and become my friend. My rationale tells me that not all men are bad, but the scared five-year-old is right there to whisper, you know better. But, despite all, I'm a fighter. Yes, I'm still quiet. Yes, I'm still shy. But I'm strong, not on the outside, but on the inside. No one will ever take advantage of me again. I have learned that there is nothing that I cannot face, no obstacle greater than that which I have already conquered. I believe that in this, is where change matters the most. I was forced to grow up to soon. I have forgiven the boys for what they did. Statistics say that 4 out of 5 abusive children come from abusive homes. Quite frankly, I don't care. That doesn't make my own nightmares any less vivid. I have forgiven them because God has allowed me to, because I needed to give that forgiveness in order to live everyday. A part of me is jaded. Another part hasn't grown up yet. That comes with the territory. But I'm writing about this so I can let you in on a little secret. I never gave up. I never will. That's the best part about me. I'm not just a survivor. My hopes and my dreams and my wishes and prayers are what I look forward to each and every day. No change is completely good, or completely evil. I just wanted to let you in on my discovery, which is that there is much to learn through the eyes of a child. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Angela Erin Burke - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Oh Saxoness, what can I say?  Thanks for sharing this, my dear. Thoughts are with you. I'll send you a personal response. |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Wow, how terrible....and at the age of 5....I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but it is true, nothing in this world is entirely black or white, simply shades of grey ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
A terribly sad thing indeed and though I am glad you found strength from it's adversity, still I wish there would've been some other, any other, way to reach where you are now. You have done well with your self and should be proud of that. ------------------ Now and forever my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
What else can I say but thank you? ------------------ "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." -Charles Brugnot |
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princess New Member
since 1999-09-27
Posts 3 |
Saxoness: Until very recently, I was where you are, hiding. I hid from myself. I felt cheated. Cheated out of the life I should have had. For the first time in 25 years I am free again. And I have one person to thank for that. I have never met him but love him more than anything on this earth - besides my children, of course  I do not know what brought him to me and I don't know for how long he will be a part of my life. But he has been my guardian angel and my strength. He has reminded me that I am alive, taught me to embrace challenges that I would have never embraced. For the first time since I was 4 years old, I am not hiding. I hope you find someone who will give you strength. You have to begin by opening your heart.. and I think that's what you've done here. It is not easy, but you have to start taking the steps now. Getting tough is not always such a good thing, not if it makes you unapproachable. Instead get strong. Please don't allow yourself to miss out on the life you deserve. Pray for your angel. |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
The strength of your spirit does you tribute ... when something like this happens to a person, they can either choose to let it rule their life and beat them down, or cry about it, let it out, and go on. When you say that "each case is its own type of hell", you hit on a truth that many therapists and other people that work with molested children disregard. They design therapies according to what worked with one child; but each child is unique, and works through something like this in their own way. It is gratifying to see that you have been able to work through your own hell enough to talk about it ... at this point you can see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel; freedom (if not forgetfulness) is a goal that you can visualize and, eventually, achieve. I wish you strength and blessings in your journey. We are all pulling for you from our respective corners ... This too shall pass. (My favorite saying) Nocht ------------------ "Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus" (Now as I hear this bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.") |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
Everyone, Thank you for the support. Not many people know about this, not even my parents. But It's time for me to let go of my demons. ------------------ "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." -Charles Brugnot |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Saxoness- recognize, control and calm your demons, but you can never let them go. They are part of what makes you, well you! I applad your bravery and ability to walk with your eyes forward! Sorry it took me so long to respond, perhaps this was the hardest thing I ever had to read. This subject strikes home to many people, and is among the most difficult to deal with. My family too, sadly went through a similar tragedy, and I have experience with how hard it can be to continue forward. Chris |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
Thank you Christopher, it feels good to get some of th pent up emotion of my chest. ------------------ "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." -Charles Brugnot |
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Tara Simms Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244Honea Path, SC USA |
Saxoness, my favorite saying helps me get through a lot: That which does not kill you makes you stronger. |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom |
Warm hugs sweetheart ------------------ You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
This is the most difficult thing I have had to read in a long time. This hits home for me from a different perspective, as a parent. I read this and wish I was there to protect your innocent body and soul. You have taken the first step to truely healing yourself. BRAVO! Continue to be strong and manage your demons, for as Chrisopher said, you can never disguard them. |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
Marylin, I hope the unspoken words of gratitude I give will reach your heart. ------------------ "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." -Charles Brugnot |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
I apologize for not reading this sooner! It's heart wrenching to hear this, let alone a child of 5 to go through it. You really are a strong person and I'm glad to see it hasn't taken you over as far as your spirit is concerned. I pray that someday you will be able to open up to someone that will treat you with the utmost respect and care that you so deserve. God Bless you Sax, you're a wonderful soul! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Saxoness, one of the best things you could do for yourself, and your family, is to tell them. As a parent, I know you need to do this. As a mother, you need to do it now. God Bless. Godspeed. |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
Saxon Lady I am deeply, deeply honored that you chose me. I have much to learn from you. |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
Saxoness: I am sorry that it took me so long to reply. To be honest with you, I started reading your piece and just couldn't continue because it hit home very hard. But, I knew that I had to read it. I re-read it more times than I can count. Your piece brought me to tears. And yes, you are right, each case is its own type of hell, so even I could not understand. No child should ever have to experience pain, but, of course, as we all know, life just doesn't work that way. I wish you all the best, and am proud of you for being optimistic and strong. Always believe in yourself and never give up. I only wish that I could be as strong as you. If ever you need anything email me at missy1angel@hotmail.com take care, Melissa Honeybee  |
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kara New Member
since 2000-02-10
Posts 2 |
saxoness, your personal tragedy brought tears to my eyes, well written, and i sincerely wish you all the best, kara. |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Saxoness, I'm very sorry for what happened to you. It must have been hard to write about, thank you for sharing it with us! If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to e-mail me. I've never been through anything like you have, but I can listen. "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world" |
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