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Trying to Express the feelings.
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Trying to Express the feelings. |
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Dragoness Senior Member
since 1999-08-07
Posts 513 |
How does one express the feelings inside? How do you tell the world that all you want is a few hours of solitude? How do you tell your best friend you’re a fraud? I have pondered these few questions for the past several days. I have found no answers. I think that maybe there are no answers to these questions. Maybe it'd just the way the world is meant to be. I was raised in a loving and caring environment. All that was ever expected of me was that I do my best. I never learned how to fail, not an easy way to grow up. It's not that I wasn't allowed to fail, it's just I don't know how to do it. Some people can take failure in stride. Me, it kills. Now I feel like I'm failing at life, I feel like there are no options left for me. And this is what I don't know how to express to those around me.. Have you ever noticed that the harder you try at something your not good at the worse you do. And the worse you do the harder you try? The harder you try the more you feel absolutely useless? Well that’s where I am right now. Useless. It's not a good feeling by any means, but one I've known for a long time. I feel like I'm the only one who knows what this is like, and I know it isn't so. I tried to blame a lot of this one job stress. But I'm basically not happy with whom I've grown to be. I'm a loner. Always have been. I don't know how to let people in to see the real me. I'm afraid they'd hate what they see. I know I do. But, I'm the one everyone in my life depends on, to be smart, to be strong. In reality I'm falling apart. I'm lost and have been for a while. I spend most of my time trying to live up to the expectations of others. I've lost me in the shuffle. If there ever was a me. What I wouldn't give to start all over again. But we all know how impossible that is. I've been a user. No, not drugs, but of people, anyone and anything to get where I am today. I guess it didn't really work. I've hurt a lot of people in my time and though I'm truly sorry I can't be forgiven. I don't deserve to be. That brings me back to being useless. How can one use and abuse friends and family and expect to be loved? Or even cared about? If you don’t have love and someone, anyone who cares what happens to you, you're useless. You just exist. Something that takes up space or as they refer to in the medical profession "piss poor protoplasm". I have never failed at any job I have ever had. I'm a team player all right. I never offer my opinion until I see where all the players are set. You can't be wrong when the final decisions is made. I do what is expected of me. Always. Never cause any conflict. I do just what is required to get the job done. You want a green sky, I'll give it to you. I never offer any opinions because I don't have any. You have to be smart and confident to have opinions. I'm not. I have to come first. I have to be the best. Now you might think that this makes me useful. Well it doesn't. You can do very well without me. I imagine that you could live a much happier life if I was just gone. Just think of all the conflict that would be gone with me. As for solitude, well what can I say. As much as I want to be alone I can't be. Have you ever sat in your room, or private space and just wanted all sound to just stop? I have, just several hours where I'm completely alone. No one else in the world can get to me and find me. No one to depend on me. Just me being responsible for me. And when I get back, if I choose to come back, not have a thousand things that need my attention. I know this should make me feel wanted and needed, but it doesn't. I feel trapped. By the life I've created and what I have let you do to me. Is there a way out? I don't know. I have looked and not found a way. Like I said before there might not be one. So I spend my time writing, reading and getting further ahead in a game I don't want to play in and don't know how to escape. Becoming more angry at the world, but mostly myself. Praying that the end will come quickly. Praying that I'm ready when it does.And looking for a way out. ------------------ Set you heart free and your mind will follow. |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Your words are very haunting to me....because They could have come form my mouth....I know exactly how you feel, because I feel the same way. Useless...and the thing is, I DON'T do anything useful. I don't even leave the house..... I'm sure your not as useless as you imagine. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
From one who knows, self-deprecation, coupled with depression is a long, winding event that is self-perpetuating. You become depressed, then realize you're not happy with yourself/your life, then you become more depressed. It is a vicious cycle that can only be broken by doing exactly that, by breaking it. The answers will never just "come." The only way "out," as you refer to it, must come from inside. That you are writing of your desire, means to me that you are willing to try... But in the words of Yoda, "There is no try, only do." |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Sister-mine, I feel every pain you go through. I have answers but we are takling them through right now so I will not repeat that except to say once again that I am here for you and ever will be. You fear failure too much and for more personal reasons than you state here. Love you and will be your support when needed.  ------------------ Now and forever my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© |
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