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Chained Lives |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration 
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First things first: Now that I've got you trapped here, (believe me, it's too much hassle to wait for your browser to "back" you out of this until you read it,) I want to point out that happily, Prose has been doing well lately. Not that I have anything against poetry obviously, but my real love as I've stated before is prose. And for a while there, it was slowed all but to a stop. Now I understanf that it takes a bit more time to write good prose, vs poetry, but it is still enlightening to see everyone working on it! Ok, the following is an exerpt from the Novel I am currently working on. For those of you who've attempted to write book-length stories, you may have experienced the same problem as I do. The first chapter is always the hardest! Whenever I start a story, I start it, realizing that the first words I write may be the most important. They will be the determining factor as to whether or not the reader will continue. If they are boring, or too vague, the reader will lose interest, and is not likely to continue. Such was the case with this book as is usual. I would like to hear whether or not you would be reading more, or would lose interest. Fear not that you will offend me, for I take no offense. Thank you for reading... And writing! An excerpt from Divagation ©1999 Christopher Prologue one: 2015 AD Denise clutched the doll tighter to her chest, and stared up at the now-occupied podium. Her heart raced in anticipation, And though she didn't realize it, she was sweating. The crowd shuffled around her and slowly hushed when the speaker cleared his throat and waved his hands for attention. "It is done." He spoke softly, but his aged voice carried over the silence of a thousand people. "The fire has fallen from the sky and we are all that is left of Earth." As Denise watched the tears fall from his wrinkled eyes, she noticed the salty moisture on her own cheeks. She cast a furtive glance around her at the crowd, but none of them noticed her. Their tear-streaked eyes were facing toward the speaker, sharing his grief. In the quiet of the next moments, only the echoes of mournful sobbing could be heard. Even the children fell silent, unconsciously aware of a profound change in the mood of their elders. She turned her gaze back toward the podium in time to see the speaker - at a loss for words - gesture at the gateway. As one, the crowd swivelled to face the gigantic steel doors, and inhaled sharply as old motors began to hum and the doors began to rotate. Denise strained to see around the hundreds of people that were blocking her way. When she had been facing the podium, she'd had one of the best places in the room. But now that they were turned a different direction, she couldn't see at all. She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder and looked up into the face of an older man. He gestured with his hands, offering his help. Instinctively, Denise hesitated. She didn't know him, which meant he was a stranger. But as he lifted her to his shoulders, she realized that it hardly mattered anymore. For better or worse, these people were all that was left of her family. In truth, they were all that was left of the human race. From her new vantage point, she could see the doors slowly closing, and could hear them moaning with every inch they gained. She could also hear the sobbing better now, as it had increased in volume when the doors began their journey. It seemed like ages. But at the same time, it felt instantaneous. But in reality, it took a few minutes for the doors to close. Piercing cries escaped the lips of those who had been sobbing, and from some who had not, when the doors finally clanged loudly against the metal sills. They quieted again when the wheels on the surface of the doors began to spin. Originally built as a fallout shelter during the cold war, the time locks had been to insure that any survivors would not be able to carelessly expose themselves to dangerous radiation. But that era had passed on into an era of peace, and the giant underground cavern had turned into a tourist attraction, drawing the interest of those curious about man's violent past. For a hundred years and more, the caverns stayed only as a curiosity. Until man found himself in need of them again. How the names were chosen, no one ever knew. But in the entire world, only five-hundred males, and five-hundred females were chosen to be placed into the bowels of the earth, cuddled in the safety of her bosom. Of these thousand people, every one had been forced to leave behind those that they loved. For some it was their parents, for others their wives, husbands or even their children. But they were the ones chosen to perpetuate the race of mankind, to insure that the species would live on-whether they chose to do so freely or not. In the end, most had resigned to it peacefully. But when the improbable had become the reality, all were forced to search within themselves and to mourn for those who weren't with them. With the finality of death, the wheels locked in place, securely entombing those within. Everyone jumped at the sound, as if it was their own doom measured out in the bang of metal on metal. A sad sigh passed across the room in a wave and people began to disperse, talking amongst themselves, or grieving in private. The older man set Denise down on the ground and tousled her hair. Though he said nothing, his reddened eyes spoke volumes as he gave her a grimace meant as a smile, and walked away to melt into the crowd. Denise followed woodenly, the horrible realization dawning in her young mind. Two-Hundred and Fifty years was a long time to wait to see the sun again . . . - Especially if you knew you wouldn't live that long. [This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 09-13-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 C.G. Ward - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Good job Christopher! I thought it to be quite a good begining, it didn't grab me by the neck and pull me into the story (It was a lot more subtle), but all the little things left untold excite my curiousity, and I'd like to see more of this! ------------------ "Threatened by Shadows at night, and exposed in the light" - Pink Floyd |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
I liked it. I thought that the description of the area and the people were really actually emotional. I got this sort of feeling of being trapped. (kind of like when I clicked on this topic and knew it would take too long to go back  ) I think that I would enjoy reading more of it.------------------ "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
Christopher, first off, as always I truly enjoy reading all that you write.  That being said (hehe, gotta love preambles) I sincerely think this makes for an excellent intro, and yes, I would be compelled to read further. There were a few instances where I saw the word 'but' used a little too close together, but other than that..wonderful! I look forward to more![This message has been edited by Satiate (edited 09-14-99).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
But...but...but Satiate...thank you. That is exactly the kind of input I am looking for. And going back, I see that there could be some room for a few changes... You're right, but...I mean you're right, I do use a few too many "but's." Thank you...DT, roxane.. thank you for your praise, it means more to me than you'll ever know! There are a LOT of but's in this! Yikes! |
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Alain DeLaCendres Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 119Ohio |
Nice excerpt, it definately feed my curiousity. Everyone else has already given all the praise I ever could..but I am definately going to go find some more of your material. Hehehe, you have a problem with "but", and I have the same problem with "yet"..it makes you feel like "Duh! Why didn't I see that!" Despite those buts, it was great Christopher. ------------------ Tout s'en va, tout passe, l'eau coule, et le couer oublie. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
You're brave - putting your baby at the tender mercies of our cut-throat criticism! J/K (notice slash). Input time: (DO NOT be offended - I am going to be thorough, and if I summon up the courage I will post MY introduction to my novel and you can have a go!!!) First sentence - perhaps too short. Maybe you could make it longer by changing 'Her heart raced' to: 'first sentence, heart racing...' In fact to be brutal - 'raced' is cliched and maybe even a whole new word, less common, would add definitive impact for that gripping first sentence. It really depends what you want out of the whole piece; what kind of introduction you want. The way it reads now (which I do like! ) it is quite slow - and that creates for me a tightening sense of horror and finality which is great if that's what you want. To heighten that you could make your sentences longer in places. ( Ah - the dear semi-colon...) If you want, on the other hand, to make a breath-choking, suffocating feeling of power and fear I'd reinforce the presence of the speaker at the beginning. Zoom in on him. Make him the centre of feeling, as seen through Denise - if he seemed like a human standing authoritatively aloof then spoke those words: 'It is done' it would add great dramatic effect. Then, when he cries, it unifies the people as the speaker comes down to their 'level' - I hope that made sense. Nitty gritty stuff: I feel that 'Denise felt the salty moisture...' is better than 'noticed' as 'notice' is more a visual image - you want to bring the reader into Denise's character. Also you use 'noticed' in the line immediately after - cramped repetition. When the speaker gestures to the door a powerful moment is occurring and the sentence itself requires power - I'd shove an adjective in there to fit his emotion. The dashes weaken the sentence. (I feel like a cow - I'll get to the great stuff soon, I promise). Okay, the sentence that justifies why Denise can't see the doors - I suggest omitting it - it's unnecessary and seems like you're giving the reader a helping hand. I'd go straight to the moment when the guy lifts her up. Also 'reddened eyes spoke volumes' : spoke volumes is another cliche. (All the good phrases are!) One more nitty gritty thing - 'Sad sighs' doesn't flow from the imagery of 'piercing cries' - it seems like the emotion is a lot more powerful. I'm finished now on the niggly stuff. Now - the good stuff. I do like the overall pace of it. I love the concept and it is very intriguing. I love 'cuddled in the safety of her bosom' and I like 'own doom measured out....' 'Denise followed woodenly, the horrible realization dawning in her young mind' is a great sentence. 'Swivelled' is a great word as it echoes the movements of the doors. Chris - I would SO want to read this. (OK, so I'm ever-so-slightly biased, but I would anyway!!) You have one devastating imagination and a great way of getting your ideas across - I feel privileged to have read this. Hope I wasn't too harsh, my friend. Severn |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Gulp! (Be careful what you wish for...huh?) alain... thank you, and yes, sometimes I do really feel the "duh" syndrome, especially after I ask (should've known better) for a reply, and let severn read it!Severn... You of course know that I appreciate your time and effort. This is what I really needed. Like I said, the first one (chapter) is always the hardest, and as always such was the case here. You have added quite a few suggestions that I really like. The one I think I will immediately incorporate, is the one regarding the role of the speaker. In truth, as I look back, his role is pivotal, and there's more to him than what was shown. -also, I love the part about the dash too!- Added to that, the part about cliches. I feel that one, as I did the "but." It is an obvious one, and obviously there because the writer...(me!)... appeared to be too lazy to bring forth some imagination. Never too harsh, only helpful! Chris PS severn- what about a collaboration... it might be interesting. Write me and tell me what you think! [This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 09-16-99).] |
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