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Neophyte Knight
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Neophyte Knight |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN 
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The great field of wheat stretched from horizon to horizon, and as the shining ranks of the Knights of Kopur marched up a rolling hill they cursed the sun in the azure sky as its scorching rays fell upon them. The scouts came galloping down the hill and went to the General’s horse at the front of the column of knights. After a brief discussion between the ranking officers the General stood above the ranks and held up his arms for silence. The glittering ranks of men soon fell silent, and the general lifted his crisp, baritone voice in the warm air. “The army lies over this hill, it’s an inferior force to our own, putting down this rebellion will be easier than I though, especially with our superior forces. I have faith in all of you, my men. You are well trained and versed in battle, anointed by our Majesty himself, the greatest protectors of his Kingdom. The Knights of Kopur will emerge victorious! Back in five rows, but directly in front of the General, a young man listened to that speech. He felt the fire of patriotism burning in his chest, he was ready to die for his kingdom, his king. He felt a white hot fury for these rebels, these traitors! He tightened his grasp on his steel tipped lance, and then he crested the top... The rebels swarmed through their hectic layout of tents like ants, weapons held upon crude wooden racks were snatched quickly by passing soldiers as they hurriedly tried to have some semblance of order, but by the time any of them were prepared the Knights ranks descended upon them. The young Knight with the fire of patriotism burning in his heart, and fury gleaming in his eyes descended upon the rebels. His lance cleared a path through the rebels, and then as it splintered upon the breastplate of a rebel officer he drew his sword, he felt invincible as he charged through enemy ranks, sword whistling through the air. As he cleaved flesh and bone and charged on into the ranks of the enemy. The enemy soldiers fell beneath his sword as he wildly spun, thrust, and slashed his way deeper into enemy ranks, until he was alone. As he suddenly realized he was beyond help and beyond his comrades, a dull chill crept over him, the fire in him began to die, and his fighting became frantic, less confident, and the meaning of what he was really doing suddenly caught up with him, and he nearly dropped his sword. Thrown into a battle he was unprepared to face, and now he saw the dead, those dead by his sword, his lance, and he nearly wretched, but he fought on, but only barely able to keep from breaking down. Blood dripped from the point of his sword, and bile came to his throat. His eyes welled with tears as he swung his sword mechanically, not seeing the battlefield around him, but only the faces of the slain, floating eerily before his vision, their faces contorted in pain and horror. Being able to take this horror no longer, the young knight rolled off his horse with a wretched sob and pleaded to the god above for mercy, he clasped his blood stained hands together. His soul was repulsed by the atrocity of his deeds, and with vacant eyes and sorrow filled heart he offered up his blood stained hands in supplication. That was when the man behind him slid his sword through the young knights ribs, and his blood flowed freely. The young knight looked down at his wound and smiled, he was bleeding, he felt so warm. He fell on his and his merciless assailant struck him again, and then left for the fray again as the young knight lay on the crimson stained ground. Freed of guilt, freed of pain and love as his blood flowed on the hard earth. His body felt warm as the blood rushed from his veins, and his mind began to grind away maniacally as his life flowed from him. He saw his childhood sweetheart, her blond hair falling around her face and her eyes shining with mischievous pleasure, he felt her soft lips pressed to his own, and then her gentle laughter as she ran off and he followed gamely. He felt his mother’s arms around him as she kissed him goodbye when he entered the Knights. His hand fell onto the corpse of a man, and he neither flinched nor was repulsed. He smiled wanly, and he knew he would be all right, he would be safe and warm. He longed silently for the love and life, but death wrapped him in its horribly soft embrace and he smiled softly as all the pain and guilt of life seeped away… [This message has been edited by Dusk Treader (edited 09-12-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Abrahm Simons - All Rights Reserved | |||
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
A little harsh, but the lessons of war and hatred usually are. Well portrayed and a good read. ------------------ Pain is life, life is short, I will endure. DreamEvil© |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
DT (I do so like to abbreviate!) I see a wonderful story here. I think you have the beginning of a great tale! If I may however, add a "but." (Ask Severn, she'll tell you there's always a "but" with me!)  My personal suggestion, would be to add a little more of the knights feelings after he sees that he's killing people. I think it would add a lot to the closing paragraph, intensifying the emotion associated with him no longer feeling guilty or pained, and add to the loss of love. [This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 09-11-99).] |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Ah, my friend, you truly have shown us how man's guilt can have quite an effect in war. I enjoyed this a lot, although I agree with Christopher that more emotion would intensify an already pretty intense piece of work (you know how I am, very emotional, so you understand my meaning). It seems you're well on your way back to writing your masterpieces once again, Abrahm. ------------------ *Krista Knutson* Mockery is a form of ignorance; silence, a form of wisdom. -- Daniel L. Miller [This message has been edited by Alwye (edited 09-11-99).] |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Thank you all for your kind replies, it's always nice to see someone commenting. Christopher and Alwye, I have taken your suggestion and have added on more to the end, I'd like to hear what you think. Thanks again. ------------------ "Threatened by Shadows at night, and exposed in the light" - Pink Floyd |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Well Done DT! That's what I'm talking about! I felt as if I could hear a cresendo of rising music that you hear at the end of a particularly powerful movie. Great editing! |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Wow Abrahm, wow!!! Now THATS what I like to see!! You brought soul into this piece exquisitely and I am proud of you!! Keep up the great writing!! Never stop! ------------------ *Krista Knutson* Mockery is a form of ignorance; silence, a form of wisdom. -- Daniel L. Miller |
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Ruby dagger Member
since 1999-08-01
Posts 76Wyoming, MN, U.S.A |
I love how this story has showen how rage can overtake one's thoughts, and how guilt can also take over the mind. great job! ------------------ Luv ya Kelly I'm no different than the average girl, my dreams wrap around the world. -Rebecca Lynn Howard |
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Amorphous New Member
since 1999-09-18
Posts 3Stacy, MN 55079 |
Sorrow follows rage, leaving no time to think, both will overtake us, and both will kill us. One is only a form of stupidity, the other a form of humanity. I think I will mark this one as another testament to the humans inability to reason in the setting of reality (and put a Good Story flag on there too ).Keep writing, but keep thinking. ------------------ Those who search for shapes, find sqaures. Amorphous |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
And to toot my pardner's horn! *bump* |
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Dawn Eclipse Senior Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 637The Horsehead Nebula |
Wow Abe... you truly capture different sides of an event. you described the knight and his feelings well. Wonderful job my friend. "The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper." Eden Phillpotts *Cassandra Roseen* |
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AVANTI Senior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 664INDIA/MAHARASHTRA/PUNE |
well written there again... you've capture the character very well great work If all was light...then I would have never learnt the dark...from which such truth evolves from which evolves the light... Avanti Rao |
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