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I got a C on this in my english class..any help?
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I got a C on this in my english class..any help? |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
Getting the Paper The sky throbbed above me, bruised and polluted as I made my way out the door. The early february morning was still dark, motionless, and silent. A sliver of a hazy moon hung over the horizon. The air was saturated with bitter cold dew that bit my insides to inhale. The gravel path ahead of me sparkled a bit in the sparse moonbeams. Aside from the kitchen window in my house on the right, the street lay lightless and asleep. It was too early for anyone to be awake. The insects were mute; cars inaudible. The quiet was disturbing. The only noise I could hear was my own heart pulsing behind my ears. My head ached from it, filling me with a certain nausea that I reserve for moments alone. It helps to make me feel more alone than ever. I took another few steps. The crunch of the gravel beneath my feet drown out the rhythm of my heart and became the sole sound in the frozen air. For a moment, I hoped that the echo caused by my footsteps as I trekked across the driveway was no echo, but the footsteps of another, who followed me closely. I didn't care why they were stalking me like this. I just wanted to be followed. Nonetheless, sharp pains of mock fear shot up in my chest. I turned to look behind me and was not just a little crestfallen to see that I was still utterly alone. 'No one cares about me enough to kill me.' I thought to myself. Above me, the raw look of the injured sky made wince. Huge, spidery silhouttes of leafless trees appeared to be black veins swollen with stagnant blood across the sick heart sky. I thought that it would take nothing more than a pin prick to burst one open and let the darkness envelope me. The sky seemed to pulse the same irregular rhythm of my weak heart. It overwhelmed me and I staggered on a bit more dizzy than before. The sun rose slightly over the horizon and filled the bleak scene with bright red light like a slit wrist lets blood over pale skin. 'I don't even care enough to myself.' I bent down and picked up the newspaper. I did it everyday my freshman year, but I don't do it now. I sometimes lost myself in the dullness of the melancholy moment of the mornings and was sad. Yet, peering up at the depressing heavens, I thought the whole thing rather suited me. I don't proclaim myself to be some great writer, but I don't think that this deserved a C. Any help would be welcome. It was just supposed to be a descpritive essay about a particular place or event. ------------------ "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
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| © Copyright 1999 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Some people are so disturbed by Darkness that they fail to see past it. ------------------ Pain is life, life is short, I will endure. DreamEvil© |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
so dreamevil, am I permitted to take that as a good comment? Coming from someone with such talent as you... i would be blown away to receive praise. |
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crystalline New Member
since 1999-09-06
Posts 1Louisville, Ky USA |
this is excellent, in my opinion. your teacher must be very sheltered to think otherwise. we can all somehow relate to the feeling of this piece, be it loneliness or fear of haunting stillness. it makes the reader feel something, which is difficult for most poets. you posses a gift many dream of ------------------ "nothing in my destiny is extraordinary, still less is due to chance" ~eva peron |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
I agree with DE. I remember when I got a low grade on a paper in high school (I'll try to dig it up sometime) and didn't think it deserved it. When I confronted the teacher, he told me that the subject matter wasn't appropriate. I didn't use any foul language, or have anything violent...it was just...dark. Some people can't accept that. From my own viewpoint, I think this is exceptionally well written, though I might have a look at some different paragraph breaks. You get an A from me roxane! |
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Adam Richard Rutherford New Member
since 1999-09-06
Posts 1louisville Ky. |
verry good Roxane.I don't see why you only got a C it is worth much more. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Personally, I like this. I agree with DE and Chris - it was probably too dark for a sheltered teacher. Unfortunately in schools, you have to give them what they want - not THAT much room exists to fully express yourself. I tried to read it as would a teacher. The only thing I could find grammatically or structurally was a semi-colon (the one breaking insects from cars) which might be better as a comma. Also, you change your tense. EG: I took another few steps. The crunch of the gravel beneath my feet drown...'At school, I got criticised by an ignoramus of a teacher for changing tense - though I had clearly delineated it - so perhaps your teacher is confusing your personal style with a regimented format that exists in his/her own head!!! Aside from those truly irrelevant things, I see no reason for a C. Go and contest it, roxane, you deserved more. |
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