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Schizophrenia
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Schizophrenia |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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(I have been inspired to post this here partly by recent conversations with a man shrouded by 'demons' and partly by the need of release. I could never send this to my Mother as it would probably break her, so I don't know, this may help my sorrow, although it makes me feel it more.) To my Mother: I am so angry with you. I'm so tired and I have three essays due in a week, yet I cannot get into bed and close my eyes until this is written. I don't usually write about you because it means I might actually cry, might feel some of the hurt instead of the anger. I'm imagining right now that you are 'normal'. That you are sitting across from me with a cup of tea. And you are listening to me. To me, not the voices in your head. I'm imagining that your schizophrenically destroyed mind is normal and comprehending my words. And you are nodding when I tell you I am so weary of all of this. I am so tired. And you have flesh on your bones. You are eating a huge sandwich with lots of vegetables because you want to live. I'm imagining that you have a house of your own, with a cat and nice furniture. Perhaps a lovely man with whom you share your life lives there too - so you aren't so lonely anymore. And as you listen to me tell you of how I live in fear of you leaving, you reassure me it won't happen again. That the twelve days over christmas when you disappeared without a word and I never knew if you were alive or dead are gone forever. I can believe you - you're cured - no more Pathways, no more drugs. You see, Mother, when I talk to you on the phone it's easy to imagine you as healthy. I can forget how emaciated you are. I can forget your death-wish, your misery, the sunken eyes and hollow cheeks covered in broken capalleries. I can see you sitting in your own home, instead of in that 'unit' with nurses nearby, and psychiatrists, and the madwoman you're forced to live with. I'm so lonely without you, Mum. I want to go shopping with you. I want you to see where I live. I want to tell you everything like I used to be able to when I was little. I want to fly above the clouds with you and look into your eyes and know you have no mental illness anymore. I'm so jealous of the mother's of my friends who are 'normal'. I'm jealous of their family dinners and their christmases. I'm jealous of their wholeness. I miss you. I want the mother back who chased me down the road pretending to be a gorilla. I want the mother who walked me to school, who kissed and hugged me when I hurt myself. I need the mother who won the pikelet making contest at school when I was five and helped me make the little potato hedgehog with toothpicks for legs. I want the mother who loved walking in the rain; beads of it would shine in your very fine hair. That mother who taught me about love and honesty. I don't want this shell of a woman who hitchikes 400 miles to go to hospital for a 'break'. I don't want this woman with body odour, this lonely-shell-skeleton-woman. I don't want this dreadful emotional-orphan feeling anymore. I can't remember you, really, as normal. As well. I remember you sometimes, in between your relapses. And the rest I have to invent. I look at beautiful photos of you when you were my age and younger - so truly beautiful, so well. Where have you gone? Where is that spirit? That mother-woman I need so badly. Where have you gone? I want to rip the mental illness from out of you and stomp on it. I want to tear it out of you with my bare hands and scream at it. Then I want you and I to burn it together, exulting in your freedom. In both of our freedoms. I feel so guilty that you are suffering and I cannot stop it. I want to make millions just to build you a mansion where 10 personal nurses can care for you and I will stay and read stories to you all day. I feel so guilty that I am not strong enough to stop this anger which makes me so hostile and cold to you. It is my only defense, though, you must understand, for I cannot understand the pain. I cannot live with the pain. I only wish that you and I, before you die, could sit under a huge blue sky and rejoice, in our normality, in our mother-daughter love. And you would have flesh on your bones, and smiles would laugh through your eyes and you would want to live. And you would have flesh on your bones. I love you and I am sorry. K. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Oh my god, severn. I am breathless! I must admit, that when I saw the title, I nearly jumped out of my chair with glee! "at last!" I shouted to myself. "At last, I have warped her to my ways!" And I rubbed my hands together with maniacal fervor, and clicked on the link. And what happens? I sink myself deeper and deeper into my chair, a lonely, distraught feeling of helplessness coming over me, until my former elation is virtually forgotten. My dear, I must say, that indeed, your demons have shaped you life. But I must applaud you at the same time. Though this is written with the feeling of vain hope, I see something else behind it. I see courage. I'm sure that it was not easy for you to put these words to paper, as it were. It must have been incredibly difficult, and I can imagine the tears running down your cheeks as you read it back to yourself. But that you were able to is amazing, even more so, that you were able to share it with others. It's a sad thing, when we lose the ones we love, even while they remain with us. Maybe its terrible to say, but at least death provides some closure. While the person remains, there can never be any true closure. One of the greatest assets as well as failings of being human, is the inability to give up hope. And I can see that that hope gives you pain. For this, I grieve for YOU. Not your mother, though it is sad that she suffers so. I grieve for you, because of the feelings it places on you. I hope that you can weather through, and if there's anything I can do to help comfort you, or if you just need someone to talk to, don't hesitate. I would have e-mailed you a personal response, but since you don't have an e-mail address listed, I couldn't. Perhaps you could look into ICQ. It's easy and free, and it is a good way to talk to other people. As to the actual writing of this, all I can say is that a more powerful and emotionally charged peice of writing, I have yet to have found. Chin up! |
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Seaangel Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 167Auckland, New Zealand |
A stunning, shocking piece, I don't know what to say except you moved me deeply and I admire your courage and strength. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
You both know your words are a true comfort. Chris - as you know I'm overwhelmed. Sea - see you soon. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Chris - I have to add: Don't feel helpless! I'm a strong one. I really am!! I agree completely with your philosophy about hope. I must say, I am waiting for that closure. |
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snacks Junior Member
since 1999-08-21
Posts 35NJ |
That was wonderful because of its core sincerity. I know from personal experience how difficult it is and how deeply layered and tangled emotions get when it comes to the issue our parents. When love and anger collide there is so often this guilt that brings us back to that child-like mindset where we feel "bad" for not being able to change things. It really seems like you are aware of all this and this letter is a very important part of the that clousure that you seek. I once wrote a letter to my father,5 years after his death, that was obviously more for myself than could be for him. I also dealt with a seriously mentally ill father. One of the greatest things I deal with is reconciling the love that just won't go away with all the hurt and pain that his ilness caused me. In my case, there was much abuse..but in any case, there are so many conflicting and self-blaming feelings that are important to recongize and accept, before getting past them. Sounds like you are really doing that. Take care..Christine ------------------ God is seen always in a child's eyes |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Hey Severn... whadda yay think? She sounds like she'd fit right in! Snacks- come over to the "Demons" debate...you might find it...umm.. interesting! ------------------ A philosopher is a dead poet and a dying theologian. -Roger Zelazny- |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Wow.....this is a very moving piece. You have stated everything wonderfully. The emotions in your words are so strong, the hurt, the anger and most importantly the love of a daughter for her mother. WOnderful, wonderful piece of work. ------------------ "Nobody has measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold" ~Zelda Fitzgerald |
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snacks Junior Member
since 1999-08-21
Posts 35NJ |
Christopher..I have been to that demons debate...almost wrote. But figured I should do some research first.  In any case, I don't know about the cynical stuff..it's much too time consuming! Christine------------------ God is seen always in a child's eyes |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Guys - you are all so supportive and just, well, cool! snacks - hello and welcome!! I've read your input in the demons debate. Great stuff!! Mental illness is a God-awful curse, isn't it? Do tell me how you survived. Hoot - thankyou. I appreciate the input. |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Curiously interesting this is. ------------------ Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© |
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Serain Junior Member
since 1999-10-16
Posts 17Gresham, OR |
as you...my mother too i feel for you |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Nope Dream - I have to contradict you my friend - it's not remotely interesting it's just plain horrid! Serain - a shared sufferer, yes - it's hard to lose a mother when she's still alive. |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Well Severn, when you and chris get together be assured I plan on bugging the house....especially to listen in on your "demon" debates. This is a wonderful and powerful piece. That, alone, is an understatement, too. ------------------ Michael Anderson Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream? |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Wow...this is very....sad. I know that word is very bland and unimaginative, but it's all I can think of...with the description here, I imagined my mother, mainly, with no flesh on her bones- to me, that was the strongest idea in the whole piece. Very moving. ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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Watcher666 Senior Member
since 1999-10-13
Posts 1606 |
My heart goes out to you Hon. The feelings that you express here are truly heartfelt. Excellent piece. ------------------ Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Girl I can feel your soul screaming from this piece. I can not relate to this particular problem but I would love to give you a hug. You are very strong to have been able to share this with your Passions family. I wish you strength and happiness. |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
This was a most interesting read -- well-written, rife with emotion, and it rang sincere. I especially liked the way you repeated statements for effect. That was my technical comment -- now as to the subject, I would wish you strength -- but it appears you have all you need, and friends to draw comfort from besides. So I will simply say "well-done". --Kess |
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Serain Junior Member
since 1999-10-16
Posts 17Gresham, OR |
yes many atime when i was little she and i were together..... and she was somewhere else no more worry shes gone now |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Michael - I don't know about that! Remember: you get to see G first and Chris is a computer geek so YOU may be the one who is bugged! Thanks for your support.  SD - sad is quite sufficient dear - thanks for reading. Watcher - well thanks! It was hard to write, but necessary. Thankyou Marilyn - this place is indeed a family to me. Skyfyre - I have much resource in me for strength - it just fails me sometimes and those are the times I need my mother most. Serain - She may be at peace, but it is the ones who are left behind who suffer - I hope you have found an outlet for grief. Hugs. |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
Severn....I won't say I understand your situation, but I do feel for you. ------------------ "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." -Charles Brugnot |
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Henri Bardo Junior Member
since 2002-10-15
Posts 11State of suspended inanimate |
This moved me and tore a bit the lining of my own comfort. |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
  Love you hon. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Wow...I haven't seen this post for a long time...brings back some memories, and the body of the piece is still relevant sigh. But I'm different - that's the thing that gets me - 3 years later or so.. Henri - you must have been doing some far-back hunting...thanks for reading.. Mmy - love you too m'friend..  K[This message has been edited by Severn (02-08-2003 07:33 PM).] |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Hmmm, this hit a little too close to home. Expect private email soon... |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Email sent. You don't have to reply to it but it is important to me that you receive it. Tell me when you don't receive anything, alright [This message has been edited by kaile (02-09-2003 07:13 AM).] |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
“The mind is its own place, and in it self Can make a Heav’n of Hell, a Hell of Heav’n. What matter where, if I be still the same, …” -PL, Milton i don't know what else to say - the words are powerful. -majnu |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Kaile hon - got email, will reply soonishly...hugs you... majnu - living with something like this in your life is a powerful thing too...in varying ways..thank you K[This message has been edited by Severn (02-10-2003 12:25 AM).] |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
This is a very powerful piece. You write in a very frank style, unafraid to go into realms of emotion that many of us feel are best left undiscussed. There were a few instances in which sentences were somewhat ambiguous. For example: "I'm so jealous of the mother's of my friends who are 'normal'." This is truly a piece that ought to be in everyone's personal library. I know I will be placing it into my own. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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Barbara Trautman Member
since 2002-10-23
Posts 90 |
I'm totally speechless. Spellbound to the very end. I can't really offer anything but empathy and I do so with all my heart. Nothing can be worse than having someone you love near and yet inaccessible. It seems at times it would be easier to bring closure if they were dead. Sounds terrible but I feel this is true. How else can you achieve any peace? I wish for you only good and wonderful for the rest of your life. My deepest and dearest wishes to you. Barb |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Fract - You know I wrote this at a time when I was very very angry with my mother, for being how she is. For just not being there for me, how I needed her. I think that's why it's so frank. In all honesty - some of me shrivels inside that I put that here, something so private - I wouldn't put it here now and I certainly never imagined it would resurface. At the time though I was just so ANGRY and since she couldn't hear me I guess I needed others to, so yes...that explains the writing of the hard-to-discuss element... thank you for your thoughts.. Barbara - thank you...you know, I used to think that same thing all the time - if she died then I would have closure, and her life would end, her suffering would end. But, ironically, she nearly did die. Only a few weeks after this was written...I spent 5 days in a neurological hospital watching her...she barely recognised me and remembers none of it...I think it was during that time that I began to accept her for who she is now - and she has declined much in the last few years, and love her without so much anger...thank you for your very kind words.. K[This message has been edited by Severn (02-13-2003 02:16 AM).] |
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Haley New Member
since 2003-10-23
Posts 1 |
I'm really sorry for what you have gone through. I also have a mother with schizophrenia. Unfortunately, I inherited the schizophrenia. I'm certainly not here to try to minimize your pain. But I can honestly say that you would have plenty of anger if you also inherited it. I think I may be better off than you in one way. I don't think too much about how she hurt me. But I think that's just a personal trait of being really good at blocking out things I don't want to deal with. But you are certainly better off than me because of the fact that you are mentally normal. Even though I always knew that my mom had some paranoia, I hoped up until two years after she left that she would come back to see me and take me away from my grandparents(my grandma in particular.) If you think it's bad living with a schizophrenic, try living with someone who shows you every day how much they resent you- wishing that you would just go away because they didn't ask for the responsibility of having to raise you. After reading what you had to say, I think I can honestly say that I don't know if my mother coming back to get me would have been such a good thing because I would probably have the same anger towards her that I had against my grandma when I was growing up. There would just be anger for different reasons. |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
It's good to see that you have found an outlet in writing. I hope it finds you a friend, for you truely have passion and desire inside yourself. Know one thing; you are not alone. I wish you well. Thanks for having the courage to share. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Haley...Firstly, welcome. Now, if you read what I wrote to Fract and Barbara you'll see my perspective has changed somewhat since I wrote the piece four years ago. And yes, of course I would have plenty of anger if I inherited it - for ahwile I was terrified I would. Haley, we all have our own angers and each person must honour their own and try to move through them - I know how hard, no, how impossible that sometimes seems. I understand much more than what you might think. As to blocking things out? Oh no, I'm very good at that - when I wrote the piece I dragged it out of myself...I went through a period of some years after this where I dragged it all out in the form of poetry. I'm now back to blocking. I can't write at all. I also lived with someone who resented me - my stepfather. I understand much more than you might think. Well, Haley, I don't know your current environment, I don't know how you're progressing with your condition - I can say, however, you have my empathy. Please email me if you want to. I'll leave that up to you though ok? Hugs..hugs. Merlynh - not at the moment. I can't write I'm afraid. It was a good outlet then. I've written a lot about my mother since this piece - in the form of poetry. I hope to resume that soon, when I find a new muse, as my old one has been taken. Thanks for stopping in you...though I find it hard to see this piece each time it's ressurected, I appreciate all comments. K[This message has been edited by Severn (10-24-2003 07:08 PM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Actually, in a separate reply - I feel like I owe it to Mum to give an update on her condition as it were. The bad side: Her brain hemorrhage has affected her short-term memory a hell of a lot. While her schizophrenia is under control, the 22 years since her first diagnosis have taken their toll and she is completely unable to take care of herself - as far as living on her own etc. She's very eccentric, and has heavy mood swings. She often lives in the past, thinking mostly about myself as a child and my stepfather who she can't forgive, or forget. She is physically unwell also...with a variety of ailments; these are mainly to do with her heart, with which she's had a problem since childhood. The good side - for the past two years or so she's been living in a Trust that is attached to a resthome. She shares residence with 7 or 8 other mentally ill people. She regards all of these people as friends and is very happy there; the happiest she's been for years. She now eats better - though not as well as she could. She's recently come into a small inheritance that has enabled her to have a huge teeth operation (her teeth were literally rotting in her head). It's also enabled her to do smaller things - like buy new clothes, and cosmetics etc. Things that make her feel like a bit more of a woman. There has been definite improvements, and I no longer view her as being on her death bed. Cheers, K |
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MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
Severn, I was moved to tears while reading this. Such sadness! It took a lot of courage to write and I admire that. Writing is good therapy. Bless you and your mother. Hope things get better for you both soon. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
MsSO: Hi, thanks for reading If you read the above couple of posts, you'll see that things have gotten better in some ways in recent years...I appreciate your words.. K |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Kamla: my uncle who raised me had paranoid schizophrenia and my entire childhood it was never explained to me or my sisters, we just dealt with it . . . and you know how that is . . . Not until I went to medical school and actually READ the DSM IV about schizophrenia did I cry . . . I understood what he was living, a tortuous existence at best and My God . . . I too wanted to stomp those demons from him. It isnt fair and I dont understand it and I do not care what medical science has to say about it . . . it always happens to the sweetest of souls and what you have written here as touched me more deeply than you will ever realize. For this I thank you and am hoping that it just gets better My uncle passed just this May, On Mother's Day and you know what? I was glad . . . he finally found the peace he so deserved Much Love to you and your mother a tough place to be for the both of you Sue xxoo [This message has been edited by littlewing (10-29-2003 12:02 PM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey Sue.. left this without replying long enough.. still no words right now - I'm worded out in regards to this subject.. you can have these: ... they mean 'can't convey' hugs back K |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Thank you for giving me a gentle reminder of how lucky I am. "if you won't let me fall for you |
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DerekMcF New Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 3 |
I'm new here, and I will not pretend to know what you have been through. However, I know how it feels to have to write, to have to get the feelings out because otherwise, the next morning, the inspiration could be gone. I salute you for your courage. There is some greater place unknown to us earthly souls yet where you and your mother will sit and have tea, and she will live with a lovely man so she won't be lonely anymore. And all your problems and my palsy and the ills of this world will be vanquished. Have faith. Derek |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Kamla...Love you, DLP! |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
how or why I found this, this morning I do not know...but I just needed this and was led here... Severn, I admire you greatly, always have before reding this and even more so now. Maureen |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
words fail...but my admiration will never hugs r |
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