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Holding On...
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Holding On... |
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Tara Simms Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244Honea Path, SC USA 
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Holding On... There is a place in my heart, where I seldom go. A small chamber of pain, full of tears that have built up through time. My tears spill often enough for those I care about, but rarely do they fall for me. Sometimes it is needed. It hurts to look upon it, to reach out and touch it. And yet I hold on, for that is where my mother lives. What is there to say about a child who has lost her mother? I have a wistful longing for what never was but should have been. Growing up, I never knew the pleasure of playing dress up with her clothes, painting my face with her makeup, and having her brush my hair. There were no mother-daughter talks in the still of the night, no soft lullabies to drift me off to dream. No comforting arms to hold me if I should wake from a nightmare. Countless Mother’s Days have gone by, with no mother for me to honor. No breakfasts in bed, made by my small but loving hands. No beautiful woman in my home to grace with hand picked flowers. Where do you turn when your heart first breaks, if not to your mother to help you through? How do you handle it if she is the source of your heartache? When every thought or mention of her brings hot tears to your eyes? Can anyone understand my pain that comes from not knowing half of my history? How do I go through life, never knowing the one who blessed me with it? Do I have any of her qualities? Does the smile on my lips resemble hers? Is she the spark that lights my fire? How much of her lives on in me? There are times in a woman’s life when you really need a mother. I didn’t have her loving hands to adjust my dress for my first date. To hold my hand when I felt the crush of first love. I had no mother to calm my anxieties on my wedding day. No encouraging smile to ease my worries at what my future might hold. To feel my child growing in me and not have her to turn to for advice…such a bittersweet time for me. I wonder if my birth brought the same emotions out in her? Did her eyes dance when she first felt me move, as mine did with my son? During the birth of my child, I had never felt so alive. I only wish she could’ve been there to share that with me. Taking home my newborn son, swaddled in his blankets, I felt so close and yet, so removed, from her. I have found solace in being a mother. I feel closer to my own. It comforts me to think that maybe we weren’t so different. Surely I feel the same emotions that filled her heart. Each time my children bring their gifts of love, I imagine sharing them with her. Offerings from my boys please me, as I’m sure mine would’ve pleased her. A mother’s love is universal, I think. It saddens me to know my children will never have a grandmother to hold them and rock them. I think part of me cries more for their loss than for mine. One night, we were driving down the road and my 5 year old, Philip, asked me to tell him about his grandma. Tears splashed from my eyes, a wild torrent I could not control. Sobs escaped my throat as I gulped for air. I gently told him I did not know her, because I was very young when she died. Nicholas, my three year old, asked if that is why I was sad. “Yes, honey.” My darling boys remained quiet for a moment, allowing me to regain my composure. “I’m sorry you never knew your mommy. I would be sad if I never knew you.” Such is the sadness that dwells in my soul. From time to time, I sit and grieve for a lifetime of memories only to be imagined, never to be reflected upon. I have a heart that aches to hold her, but loves her too much to ever let her go, no matter what the pain. And so, I will continue to embrace the yearning in me, for that means I am embracing her. ************************************* I was rather reluctant to write this. Only through the encouragement of a friend was I able to find the strength. My previous attempt at writing of my feelings for my mother (A Tribute to my Mother) rendered me a sobbing mess. It reduced me to the pitiful crying of a half-orphaned toddler, not knowing what was happening, but realizing her world was changing inexplicably. While those words poured from my fingers, I would pause in my typing to reach up and touch the screen, as if I could find her touch there. I didn’t know if I could go there again. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Tara Simms - All Rights Reserved | |||
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startin_fresh Member
since 1999-08-13
Posts 137US |
It was not until you asked me to read this that I learned of your mother. No one can fill the vast void in your heart. While your mother can't be part of this physical world to experience your life, rest assured, that she is smiling down on you from heaven. I want you to know that I will always be available to you. I hear you talk and have come to realize the passion you place into your family, work and writing. I feel it's a privilege to call you friend. |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Tara, I'm glad that you found the courage to write this piece. As you know, I've been moved by this sad chapter in your life and I am deeply grateful that you posted it here. ------------------ Shall I indulge in flights of fancy hampered by clipped wings? DreamEvil© |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Words fail me. I understand a little. How ironic you posted this, when I'm about to post something similar! She does live inside you, Tara - you come from her. This must have taken lots of courage and though it hurts I'm sure, any step is a good one. |
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Tara Simms Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244Honea Path, SC USA |
Thank you all for your kind words. It does help to let it out. Sometimes I get so caught up in being the strong one, I forget to take time out for me. |
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