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Saying Goodbye
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Saying Goodbye |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart 
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[There has been a poem on these two subject matters, but I wanted to share some feelings this way, as well. For all of you who have “been there…”, if you haven’t let go yet, and I hope you haven’t, perhaps this will help.] Summer, 1988. Everything at once, Lord. Why? My daughter has been diagnosed manic-depressive, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, leaving her there in the mental center, alone, scared, crying, screaming, hating, cursing, and I just walked out. I had to. She is capable of committing suicide, I knew that when she admitted she had the 97 sleeping tablets, bought over the counter, hidden in her room. Why was it that day you allowed a glimmer to come to me, when I questioned her, that she capitulated and for once, told the truth? Thank you, I guess. Yes, thanks. She needs to be where she can get help…her step-father and I have tried for so long, Tough Love, rules, regs, you name it, the discipline was there….where was she? Where did my first daughter go? Summer, 1988. Everything at once, Lord. Why? My dad is failing faster now. I’ve got to travel the 289 miles from my door to my parents’ door to be there, to help Mom, to help Dad. Help Mom cope. Help Dad ease his way out of this life. Damn that emphysema! Damn that Cancer! Damn those horrible stinkin’ cigarettes. Thank you for never letting me even try them! I abhor the smoke! And Mom still sucks on them, standing at the sliding glass door, blowing the smoke outside so it won’t irritate Dad’s lungs. And he tells her quietly, softly, between breaths, “Honey, those aren’t good for you.” She listens, and clings to her habit. I softly curse the reasons of their habit under my breath, for I am not a screamer. And it was their choice. Oh God, why do you give us such choices. Oh yes. Adam. Eve. I leave on Sunday afternoon to get back to begin Monday all over again. I ask my husband, my daughter’s step-father, please, come with me to the center. Help me go through these classes. Help me get through this. I know it’s probably my fault. I know I could have, should have done better. I know you were there, being a good parent. I know you’ve tried. I’ve got to try some more. Do you want to come with me? And we go to the first meeting after the ten days where she had to be kept from us, “for her sake.” The doctors say “she doesn’t have a problem. Maybe it’s you…”. Oh. Me. Me? Did you push her buttons? Can’t you see that she is street-wise, and smart, and perhaps this time she is smarter than you? What did she tell you? That we have rules? That we have done all we could to get her through those so-called “tough, teenage years?” Did she tell you we both work, and she’s been a latch-key kid? So why is it her younger sister doesn’t have these problems? Did she tell you she’s tried drugs? That she’s run away before? That she’s had to have two abortions before the age of 16? NO, I don’t believe in abortions. I don’t believe in children having babies, either. Where were we at the time? Right there, at home, waiting for her to come home from her double-date. Yes, she came home from her date on time, 10 p.m. Doesn’t matter, being boy-crazy doesn’t wait for the magic hour of midnight, you know. No, you haven’t pushed her buttons. You’ve been nice and sweet and non-demanding, right? Why don’t you go in and tell her she has to do something, and watch the fur fly. The fur flew. It flew so badly she had to go into solitude. And I had to leave to go to my parents’ home. Fifteen weeks, Lord. Fifteen weeks of going to work, trying to get into our new home, which deal cannot be cancelled now, going to Tough Love classes during the week to learn that we were not alone as parents. Just what WAS in the water some years ago when all these children were conceived, all these children with problems? Fifteen weekends of leaving work with bags packed to go the 289 miles to help take care of Dad, and comfort Mom and give her some rest because Dad can’t be in the hospital, he needs to be home, where he can see the photographs of his children and grandchildren and leave, hopefully, comfortably, and not alone in a sterile environment, perhaps with none of us there. September 2, 1988. I’m here, Dad. I’m holding your hand. The doctor’s called and Mom is telling him you made it through the night. It’s 7:00 a.m. It’s Sunday. Your hand is cold. Your cheek is not your cheek anymore. “Mom. Dad’s OK now. He’s OK now.” OK means he’s gone to be with God. She cries out. The doctor says something and she puts down the phone. Brother is there to hold her. I’m holding Dad’s hand. Goodbye, Dad. September 4, 1988. The papers are signed releasing my daughter, on medication, back to me. She is happy and chatting and out. She knows her grandfather has died, and her happiness at being released and the sadness of his death are a sickly combination and she doesn’t let the happiness go at her own release. I have a suffocating feeling that this is another act, medication or not. I have the realization within me, creeping up toward my throat, that this will just be a game with her until she is 18, and she will leave. I know this, and I get ready, now, to say goodbye. She’s already left, and what comes now and tomorrow will never be what it could have been. And it never was. 11 August, 1999 ©KRJ [This message has been edited by Sunshine (edited 08-11-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Karilea Rilling Jungel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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~one voice~ Senior Member
since 1999-07-08
Posts 664Billings, MT USA |
This is something I never wanted to say...but being manic depressive myself, I see now what I did to my mother when I was a teen. I'm gonna go call her right now. Thank you, Sunshine. ------------------ ~onevoice~ "She looked at her life like lines, never-ending, constantly forming, reforming and bending." |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Let me know how the call went, Onevoice. God Bless. ------------------ © KRJ Sunshine Words will always express our feelings true. ~~~ KRJ Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Wow, that was s good slap in the face for me. I happen to be visiting my parents now, I think I'll make a bit better effort to understand what I've put them through growing up. Introspection being a good thing, thank you. ------------------ Shall I indulge in flights of fancy hampered by clipped wings? DreamEvil© |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Please let me know if this changed things for them, too. God Bless. ------------------ © KRJ Sunshine Words will always express our feelings true. ~~~ KRJ Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
Sunshine...you have opened my eyes. I thank you for that. ------------------ "Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with." *Mark Twain* |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Never did respond to Satiate's comment...nothing like being a year late... |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Karilea, I too have learned about saying goodbye. Pain is a harsh instructor. Excellent write. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Pain? Life... Thank you, Larry. It was a surprise to know that this was here, but then it was no real surprise to see who resurrected this... I don't know why you went looking, but if it helped, I am glad. I truly am. Thank you. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Karilea I hadn't read this before..so glad Larry brought it back for me to read. You know I understand about manic depression, having grown up with a father and brother with the problem. My heart goes out to you as a mother and daughter reading this. Hugs to you, so many struggles life gives...and so many hugs too. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Thank you, my Martie...the critic in me said "you could've done better with this," but the emote during the writing just "came" and even now, I don't know that I would go back and change much of it...perhaps a comma, here or there, but... truth stands. Still hurts, but it stands, anyway. When it's not falling down. Thanks for the hugs, too... [This message has been edited by Sunshine (10-03-2002 07:12 AM).] |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
I just read this....HUGS You! Now I know some of what you have endured over the years....some of which you continue to endure....and yes, he is in a better place now.....though I am sure you still wonder if she is.... Saying Goodbye.....nothing good about that word at times.... |
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scorpio Member Ascendant
since 2002-10-02
Posts 5178right...there |
A courageous write Sunshine...it left me with a lump in my throat...letting go on two fronts...each different but equally difficult... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Magnus, Scorpio, thank you both for reading. My dad's been gone 14 years now; my daughter disappeared over four and a half years ago. She turned 30 a few days ago. Or at least, I hope she did. |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Such a lesson in accepting what we cannot change. Love you, my friend! Shenachie |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Aw Sunshine...  It is said the Creator has taken a handful of South Wind and given each newborn Arabian the power of flight without wings |
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