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azblond
Senior Member
since 1999-07-01
Posts 637
The Steamy Desert

0 posted 1999-08-03 02:13 AM


I still haven’t decided how I will answer my daughter’s questions on my first love. I am sure the question is far from her innocent mind, yet for some odd reason, it still enters mine from time to time. I guess it is because that first love has so much bearing on who you are and who you become. In ways I fear that she will make the same mistakes I made, and yet there are still pieces of me that know I learned how to love from loving someone incapable of returning the same feelings. All of this lead in would have you believing that my first love was unrequited, but actually, it was quite the opposite. I loved someone who was so passionate that the flames threatened to consume us both. His passion was not only about love, but also in everything he came into contact with. He knew not how to let things pass by, he reached out to grab a hold of all he wanted, and in the end he lost everything. Including me. We were young, as most first lovers are, but so very much in love, in lust. From the moment he became part of my life, he took over every part of my body, mind and soul. He was not the only one consumed with passion, for I remember not a moment of my days that were not encompassed with thoughts of him, or with being with him. To me he was a drug, and my addiction was strong. Strong enough to make me loose touch with the reality of life, of friends, of family. I let go of everything I knew and loved to try to take more of him into me. I believed if only I could give him more, then we would have eternal bliss. Only for us, more was never quite enough. We were soul mates in that stage of my life, two very different people sharing one passion. It is scary to remember how I needed only to think of him, and he would appear. It sounds outlandish to say, but trust me it was true, and that connection is one I have never forgotten. To me he was the world, and I revolved around him. Only as I said before, he was passionate, for that is the word I choose to describe his recklessness. I guess in reality, he broke my spirit, my youthful trust, and my sense of right and wrong. He always swore to love me, but with him I learned that love is not enough, and I found out that hurt doesn’t always heal. The most important lesson that bruises aren’t promises, and that kisses don’t heal scars. Not ones on your body or in your heart. He hurt me in ways that I still can barely imagine; yet I loved him with a vigor that I have never quite found again. Even now, with the love of my life, I sometimes find similarities that make me wonder if I am attracted to heartache. In that first young love I let myself believe that fists could fuel forever love. Silly is it not? And even now, though through adult awareness I have fallen into that same phase with my husband. We have been strong enough to climb out so far though. God, I pray we can always make it through. I describe my first love as the passionate one first, leaving myself second, somewhere I seem to always put myself, but my sense of love is strong, and it seems that I will put up with anything if my heart believes it to be love. Loving is something I need to do, and I focus myself on it completely. My basis of love comes from the first, the one who showed me the darkest depths after allowing me to glimpse heavens sweet light. The tears that scarred my tortured soul will never heal. I cannot stand to look at him, the first, now as an adult. For I am afraid to admit how weak I was, how far I went, and the reality that I never really made it back to the top. I exist with the twisted thoughts that I know are not true, but I love those most who are most incapable of giving all. Sometimes I see him, and the rage that encompasses me is unreal. It is as if I want to shout at him, to shake him and make him see the little girl he broke can never be fixed. I need to blame him for all of the pain, the sadness, the suffering. For worse than the bruises and the cold words were the fact that he didn’t hold on and make it work. However, I was the one who finally let go. I would still have let him follow me to the end of the world however. He took a child, he molded her into who he wanted her to be, he taught her love, and he showed her hate. He fell in love with a free spirit, a smiling laughing compassionate heart, and he soiled it with lies and deceit. But like I did say…he taught me about love. I know I loved more deeply, passionately, and with more strength than most have or ever will. For that I cannot thank him, but I will always remember him. Until the end of time, he is embalmed upon my soul, but no longer inside my heart. That is saved for another now, another who once tried to do the same things, but this time I will be strong, I won’t give up. I will fight until the end of my days to show that love will survive. As long as I can.

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For sometimes when the Darkness falls, we must surrender, take what is ours, and give what we can, and always remember love is somewhere waiting...


© Copyright 1999 MiChelle Van Vleet - All Rights Reserved
DreamEvil
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396

1 posted 1999-08-03 02:22 AM


Now THAT is a powerful message. Thank you again, Az. Prose is proud to have you as a regular.

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Shall I indulge in flights of fancy hampered by clipped wings?
DreamEvil©



Nicole
Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835
Florida
2 posted 1999-08-03 02:41 AM


Second that!! Wholeheartedly!
azblond
Senior Member
since 1999-07-01
Posts 637
The Steamy Desert
3 posted 1999-08-03 02:47 AM


Thank you...I think sometimes I post just to get it off my chest...Dearest Dream...you know this was hard for me, but I do feel better now!

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For sometimes when the Darkness falls, we must surrender, take what is ours, and give what we can, and always remember love is somewhere waiting...


leelew
Member
since 1999-07-10
Posts 89
highmount,ny,usa
4 posted 1999-08-03 06:25 AM


Very powerful!!!!
Lost Dreamer
Member Elite
since 1999-06-20
Posts 2464
Somewhere near the Rainbow
5 posted 1999-08-03 07:10 AM


azblond, You have a real talent here, your words to describe your feelings were so well thought. Great job.
Phantom
Junior Member
since 1999-08-03
Posts 18

6 posted 1999-08-03 07:55 AM


I guess we never forget our first love.A very moving story.

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Open your heart to the Darkness,set your soul free.

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
7 posted 1999-08-03 09:00 AM


Very nice!
Alain DeLaCendres
Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 119
Ohio
8 posted 1999-08-03 06:00 PM


This peice got me thinking about my "first love" again...everything that changed during our relationship, and many things that changed after the relationship fizzled out..This was good azblond, very good...I'm off to think some more...

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Tout s'en va, tout passe, l'eau coule, et le couer oublie.

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