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The Hardest Words I Ever Had To Say
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The Hardest Words I Ever Had To Say |
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Lost Dreamer Member Elite
since 1999-06-20
Posts 2464Somewhere near the Rainbow 
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I met him 20 years ago, a scolding message he had to relate. Seems he felt I was the reason his son arrived home so late. I was seventeen, he eighteen, so how was it me to be the reason? I feared this man for many years for the questioning would always capture the conversations. I think he meant well in all his questioning, but his negative attitude on life sent me often spiraling in fear. He lightened up some when we blessed his life with grandchildren. I saw a delicate love that had not presented itself in years before. He seemed to treasure every visit we made. He would shower his grandchildren with gifts as often as possible. The gifts often times were not material, but of the sharing kind. He would instill knowledge upon them from his experiences in life, or he would just lend a listening ear to hear the tales of a child. I'll never forget as long as I live the time he asked his granddaughter where she got her beautiful blue eyes, I think her response of, "From Jesus" hit a nerve in him. He didn't say a word, maybe he was just pondering, see this man claimed to be an atheist. This gentle response came when she was at the tender age of seven. I think he expected her to say, from your grampa, for neither Mom or Dad have blue eyes. When our kids were 10 and 12 he asked us to come live with them, and at the time we were having some financial difficulties, so we took them up on the offer. A year later we were buying their house from them, for he knew something we didn't know yet. Deep down inside for a while I think he knew he didn't have long to live. Cancer had attacked his prostate, and being the stubborn man he was, he thought he could micro-biotic the remaining traces after surgery away. Well, guess what he was wrong, and now it had spread to his bones. Now he needed to go, and have radiation treatments everyday, but they told him he can't drive himself. His wife worked full-time so she couldn't bring him to his treatments, and believe me he would not use any form of public transportation. Well, it turns out I am the one to transport him through this journey of radiation treatments. After about a week of treatments there comes a morning where he can't get out of bed, the pain was to intense. An ambulance was called, and away they carted him to the hospital. He spent a week in there, as doctors suggested we move him to a first floor bedroom, and get him a hospital bed. They hooked us up with hospice which was a wonderful help. He arrived home by ambulance to begin his battle that was already defeated. Once again I came to fear this man as he tried to play my mind. Morphine this time was the problem, for now he knew not what he was saying, or doing, or did he? It was only 3 weeks time, yet it felt like a year, having to jump at his every command. Everyday I hoped, and prayed he'd get better, knowing that was not possible. One day the hospice nurse gave me a little book to read on dying, and it spoke of signs that will appear before death will take place. When I finished reading, sadness captured my senses, I had already witnessed many of the signs. I told my husband, but he did not want to believe any of it. I informed the family of the lack of time left for him, I felt it went on deaf ears with all of them also. One night I sat by his bed changing wet face cloths from his forehead, for he was running a fever. I thought he was not gonna make it through the night, and I was praying he would, cause I don't think I could have dealt very well with him dying on the same day as my mom did 22 years before. He held on through the night, and the next day. The following day in the afternoon, my husband, his oldest brother, and I were standing by his bed when it happened, his heart just stopped beating, and no more breaths of air he took. My husband started hitting his chest and saying "Dad, Dad." I had to tell him you have to let him go, and I think those were some of the hardest words I ever had to say. |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Dear, I was not in the right frame of mind to read this story. Very sad and touching, from me, that's saying alot. Welcome to Passions in Prose.  ------------------ Shall I indulge in flights of fancy hampered by clipped wings? DreamEvil© [This message has been edited by DreamEvil (edited 08-01-99).] |
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Lost Dreamer Member Elite
since 1999-06-20
Posts 2464Somewhere near the Rainbow |
DreamEvil: Thank-You very much, this was difficult for me to write, but I am glad I did. As I was thinking, and writing this out I realized how much he really did love his grandchildren, it's something I never really thought about. Tears were flowing steadily at that moment, and at the end as I wrote the hardest words I had to say, I was remembering it as though it were yesterday, yet it will be 7 years in a few weeks. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
This is a wonderful story. Very touching, but with so much truth it made me cry! Goodbye is also a hard thing to say especially when you know it's for the last time ever. Congratulations on a good story! |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
LD, I think you did a great job with this and I think you should continue to explore your talent in prose. I know this was very difficult for you to write. Did you post the poem you wrote about the same subject in open poetry? If you haven't, I think you should. I think you chose a very good title for this. As I was reading it, it almost made me cry. |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
This touched me so much the first time I read it, I had to wait a while before replying. And, unfortunately, any words I say cannot express how moving, and truly touching this piece is. Thank you for sharing it. |
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Lost Dreamer Member Elite
since 1999-06-20
Posts 2464Somewhere near the Rainbow |
Poet deVine: Thank-You so much for your compliments, goodbyes are very hard even if it's someone that you don't always see eye to eye with. doreen peri: Thank-You for your kind words of praise. Are you refering to the poem Imaginary World? If so, yes I did post it in the open poetry awhile ago. Satiate: Thank-You so much for your response, this was my first time to write something like this, so I am surprised at all the positive responses. I thank all of you for taking the time to read this, and for your expressions. I am proud to be a part of this wonderful family of writers. |
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leelew Member
since 1999-07-10
Posts 89highmount,ny,usa |
Thank-You.I know how hard those words are to say.I said them myself. |
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Lost Dreamer Member Elite
since 1999-06-20
Posts 2464Somewhere near the Rainbow |
leelew: Thank-You for your response, I appreciate it very much. |
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azblond Senior Member
since 1999-07-01
Posts 637The Steamy Desert |
I can only say that your story touched my heart, your words made me cry. You are a special person to realize the positive impact this man did have on the lives of your children, and the time you spent with him in the end is the sweetest way you could ever hope to repay him. I'm sure any disagreements you may have had fled in those final hours, even if he failed to say the words, the angels that came to take him away surely knew, and sent you the wisdom to take the good from the not so great. Well done and well told...My heart goes out to you. ------------------ For sometimes when the Darkness falls, we must surrender, take what is ours, and give what we can, and always remember love is somewhere waiting... |
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Lil-bit Junior Member
since 1999-08-03
Posts 29Tallahassee, Florida |
Do you live in my house? Your essay hit very close to home. The story sounded like you were describing my Dad. Some of the experiences were identical. My dad was a gruff man till he had grandkids. He developed Lung Cancer and received hospice care. He was told he had 2 weeks to live and lived 2 agonizing years. A beautifully written essay. Its honest and you have allowed yourself to be transparent to others. Being transparent with others takes much courage. |
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