Ok, now let's see... I can see how you put together poetry, the fascinating and intricating, yet tedious, way of weaving things in. In my opinion, my version of the poem thus far sounds more "excitable" -- I am an imagerist, and you are further than I in experience, in whatever case. I should be listening to you, I should, yet I know when something doesn't feel right. Now, I'm curious, which feels more right to you: your version, or my version, of "Ulysses" as it is so far?
Here my two cents come: Oh yea, I always read my poems out aloud, and never find it embarassing... must be how I write - I can almost never seem to write a poem without containing some sort of metaphor in it, or using imagery. My friend was suggesting to me the other day:
Instead of saying "the wind was rising, the dirt hissing", change it to "the wind rising, the dirt hissing" because she said that somehow it makes it sound more exciting, like something's hanging in the air about to happen. Are you an expert at creating mystery in poems, or a sense of forewarning? Since we happen to write so differently, with you getting on with the point early on, and me weaving it into a story, this is a fascinating but strange discussion.
As for the poem, Poseidon was the god of the sea (I'm sure you knew, of course!) and I was merely suggesting that Poseidon's waters carried his ship across the seas. You know, he escaped the sirens and such. I wanted to compare with you how we happen to write our poems. If I haven't shown you in any way how I write my poem, lemme outline the ideas...
One hand on the bow, another on the arrow, ........(forming an image)
Ulysses's face sweated none to know ........(he is not revealing himself)
what lands he came thither, carried by Poseidon, ........(... or from whence he came, carried by the seas by Poseidon's pardon)
as sky shone blazing blue and he alone ........(creating environment)
to death's thirst, avenger's bow shall protect ........(death's "wish" to be fulfilled... foretelling of revenge... his bow will guard them from the suitors)
with aegis's invincibility and concealed dialect; ........(aegis was the breastplate of Zeus and Athena -- considered invincible ... Athena (or Hera) wove a net of magic around Ulysses, thereby concealing his identity, thus his "dialect")
the wind was rising, the dirt hissing, ........(more foretelling)
the mournful wind wailing, the day increasing- ........(foretelling)
I know this isn't a great piece. I am very new at this kind of thing (criticizing, analyzing, reading others' works, actually conversing with poets, etc). If I haven't provided an adequate dialogue here, then I'm sorry.