How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Critical Analysis #1 Archive
 jump
 1 2 3
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

jump

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
punksmurf
Junior Member
since 01-01-2002
Posts 42
new hampshire, U.S.


0 posted 01-08-2002 06:50 PM       View Profile for punksmurf   Email punksmurf   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for punksmurf

Jump

so you've found some girl
who'll jump for you
turn the tricks you like
maybe this one
will throw you away
before you tire of her
maybe someon to teach you
the bitter taste
of tears
when they are blades
and you cannot touch the
nerves
for your blood is poisoned
so bleeed heartless one,
Bleed
for all of the skies
fallen around/for you
too caught up in the videos
of real life
to pay attention

~Me

© Copyright 2002 Hilda MacKinnon - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


1 posted 01-08-2002 11:15 PM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

I like the title here.

That said, the rest was a little too generalized. For example, with the lines:

'maybe someon to teach you
the bitter taste
of tears'

you seem to assume that the reader knows what tears taste like. What if I've never cried? Moreover, I don't know if these are tears of joy, skin-your-knee tears, or broken-heart tears, or whatever, and I don't know what all those things taste like to you. More specifics would help... an adjective, a name for the girl, a hair color, something to characterize the poem.

Hope I've helped.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

punksmurf
Junior Member
since 01-01-2002
Posts 42
new hampshire, U.S.


2 posted 01-15-2002 06:20 PM       View Profile for punksmurf   Email punksmurf   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for punksmurf

the whole idea was to give people a general idea of what i'm saying, something they can elaborate on and give their own meanings, the whole point was for you to apply this to what you already know
Chrissy
Member
since 01-24-2002
Posts 81
Idaho, no I am not a farmer!


3 posted 01-24-2002 05:15 AM       View Profile for Chrissy   Email Chrissy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Chrissy

I love the way you write, you make it so you give a lot for people to wonder about, and at hte same time you have some dep feelings in your poetry.  Thanks for the writing, please keep it up!
 
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Critical Analysis #1 >> jump Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors