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punksmurf
Junior Member
since 01-01-2002
Posts 42
new hampshire, U.S.


0 posted 01-08-2002 06:37 PM       View Profile for punksmurf   Email punksmurf   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for punksmurf

this is pretty much any conversation involving three or more people in liz's bedroom, not about sex at least.

she says she scares herself
but you never believed
too tangled
in quilts and love
not believing anyway

but you still listen
to the chattering and howls
just watching
the faces

blade on skin,
blood on face
you never believed
Did You?

and the darkness was your companion
when the black
was the darkness
and the children
were always scribling
where you had your
perfect lines

and your good dreams
wear no clothes
and every time
she strikes to the core
of your being
but you never believed

and all the caring  
in the world
can't bring us back now
but we never care
and you never believed
and everything runs away

~Me
© Copyright 2002 Hilda MacKinnon - All Rights Reserved
Bec
Member
since 02-23-2001
Posts 489
Sunshine Coast


1 posted 01-08-2002 07:53 PM       View Profile for Bec   Email Bec   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bec

punksmurf...

This is the first critical response I've ever made, so it looks like we're both pretty new at this.   I've made a few little suggestions, but this is your work, and you take on board what you want to, they're only suggestions.

she says she scares herself
but you never believed
too tangled
in quilts and love
(to believe her) anyway

...

blade on skin,
blood on face
you never believed
Did You? (do these need capitals?)

*and* the darkness was your companion
when the black
was the darkness
*and* the children
were always scribling
where you had your
perfect lines

*and* your good dreams
wear no clothes
*and* every time
she strikes to the core
of your being
but you never believed

*and* all the caring  
in the world
can't bring us back now
but we never care
*and* you never believed
*and* everything runs away

All the "and" at the beginning of some of the lines were a little off-putting. But I see and understand what you're trying to say. The first stanza was great. A nice piece.

Bec  


"Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is to go where they can find you."
-Winnie-the-Pooh

[This message has been edited by Bec (01-08-2002 07:57 PM).]

punksmurf
Junior Member
since 01-01-2002
Posts 42
new hampshire, U.S.


2 posted 01-15-2002 06:24 PM       View Profile for punksmurf   Email punksmurf   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for punksmurf

thanks bec, for being new you're pretty good, thanks for the help, this piece still kinda plays with my head, and i know i use 'and' too much, i try, good luck
 
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