talk - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

punksmurf
Junior Member

since 2002-01-01

Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.

0 posted 2002-01-08 06:37 PM

this is pretty much any conversation involving three or more people in liz's bedroom, not about sex at least.

she says she scares herself
but you never believed
too tangled
in quilts and love
not believing anyway

but you still listen
to the chattering and howls
just watching
the faces

blade on skin,
blood on face
you never believed
Did You?

and the darkness was your companion
when the black
was the darkness
and the children
were always scribling
where you had your
perfect lines

and your good dreams
wear no clothes
and every time
she strikes to the core
of your being
but you never believed

and all the caring
in the world
can't bring us back now
but we never care
and you never believed
and everything runs away

~Me

Bec
Member

since 2001-02-23

Posts 475
Canberra

1 posted 2002-01-08 07:53 PM

punksmurf...

This is the first critical response I've ever made, so it looks like we're both pretty new at this.

I've made a few little suggestions, but this is your work, and you take on board what you want to, they're only suggestions.

she says she scares herself
but you never believed
too tangled
in quilts and love
(to believe her) anyway

...

blade on skin,
blood on face
you never believed
Did You? (do these need capitals?)

*and* the darkness was your companion
when the black
was the darkness
*and* the children
were always scribling
where you had your
perfect lines

*and* your good dreams
wear no clothes
*and* every time
she strikes to the core
of your being
but you never believed

*and* all the caring
in the world
can't bring us back now
but we never care
*and* you never believed
*and* everything runs away

All the "and" at the beginning of some of the lines were a little off-putting. But I see and understand what you're trying to say. The first stanza was great. A nice piece.

Bec

"Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is to go where they can find you."
-Winnie-the-Pooh

[This message has been edited by Bec (01-08-2002 07:57 PM).]

punksmurf
Junior Member

since 2002-01-01

Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.

2 posted 2002-01-15 06:24 PM

thanks bec, for being new you're pretty good, thanks for the help, this piece still kinda plays with my head, and i know i use 'and' too much, i try, good luck

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.