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Passions in Poetry

sin

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woodtic
Member
since 01-06-2002
[First Post] 96


0 posted 01-06-2002 08:30 PM       View Profile for woodtic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for woodtic

Us the wiser ones
we have more.
Our due it would seem
for being born.
Education and degree
laud our wisdom
and decree.

For us the plenty,
it's been said,
then make sure
the others fed.

For us so rich
for them so poor.
We'll manage ours,
we'll give them more.

Thinking, wise,
thoughts so grand.
Tested by time
but still no stand!

What proof there is?
This can be seen
clearly pictured
on tele. screen.

Withered lips,
rotting gums,
withered legs,
dam near no bum.

T.V. Preacher
Rolex on wrist,
beats his pulpit
with his fist
crys of love
and then relates,
not to give,
is to then hate.!

If this be true
then what be said
of his fine mansion
canopy bed?

Are these the trappings
of men of love
with claims of missions
from above?

To give so little to
ones so thin.
Tell me then
what is sin?


© Copyright 2002 woodtic - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


1 posted 01-07-2002 09:57 AM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Hi woodtic,

First I want to welcome you to the forum. I see this is your first post and I do have a minute for a short comment or two on your poem.

I think you have a good start here. Of course, this is a subject which has been done many times before but your approach is a little different. That's a good thing. I'm not sure you have chosen the best format though. the subject (I think anyway) is intended to be taken seriously but I can't help bet be reminded of those loveable ole Burma Shave signs from this format. You might consider longer lines and more carefully chosen rhymes in a couple of places where it seems just a little forced.

Of course, this is all just one opinion. And check your email too.

Thanks and welcome,
Pete
Shou-Lao
Member
since 10-12-2001
Posts 101


2 posted 01-07-2002 06:42 PM       View Profile for Shou-Lao   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Shou-Lao


Welcome,

Im with Pete on this one (Ill have to stop doing that).

Id change it to longer four line stanzas and try and cut back on the use of us in the first few verses.
Opeth
Member Elite
since 12-13-2001
Posts 2224
The Ravines


3 posted 01-08-2002 10:21 AM       View Profile for Opeth   Email Opeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Opeth

Us the wiser ones
we have more.
Grammatically incorrect
Our due it would seem
for being born.
same again
Education and degree
laud our wisdom
and decree.
Education and degree laud?
For us the plenty,
and again
it's been said,
then make sure
the others fed.
You give no reason to use the word "then."
For us so rich
for them so poor.
We'll manage ours,
we'll give them more.

Thinking, wise,
thoughts so grand.
incorrect punctuation...I will stop here.
I like your idea, but this has numerous grammatical and punctuation errors.

[/b]
woodtic
Member
since 01-06-2002
Posts 96


4 posted 01-08-2002 09:49 PM       View Profile for woodtic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for woodtic

dear dear grammar and punctuation grind at my little efforts and you'll find that what i wrote in haste will stand for what i ment a fist or hand can do the job but with the pen you hurt the slob who only wants the feel to flow and little marks wont help this show.
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


5 posted 01-09-2002 02:07 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Remember the name of this forum is Critical Analysis and the purpose is critique. From such, we try to improve our writing. Grammar and punctuation are an essential part of writing. The content of course is paramount but if it is not intelligible, it is of little or no consequence. Proper (or at least recognizable) grammar and punctuation serve the critical function of making the message clear.

We all make mistakes along those lines and those are excusable. But I always get much more from something written right, because it is so much more understandable. As a result I am much more likely to read it if it is well written. I think many others share this trait.

Well, that's just my opinion anyway.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

woodtic
Member
since 01-06-2002
Posts 96


6 posted 01-09-2002 09:10 PM       View Profile for woodtic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for woodtic

Thank you Pete. It is a good opinion.

Years ago, in high school, I had the urge to write.I was however chastised for poor grammar and never encouraged for content. Assuming that the content bore consideration. this teacher would pick out words he disagreed with and scorn the use of them. Scorn the effort, really, by continually focussing what he considered the failings. Anyway just an old memory, thought forgotten and stirred a little irk in me. But I didn't write for twenty years, forgot I even thought I could.
This little poem I put down here is really sort of best read allowd, I think like a song or a performance. The choppyness of the form, if that is the correct term is for the vocal style of it and the commas are were the pause or emphesis on the word/thought seems to make sence. I really have no skills for grammar, spelling is always a challenge and I am right out there on the far side of my skin when it comes to being comfortable putting anything down for anyone to read.

I really appreciate that any one has read and bother to comment at all. So thank you.  
 
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