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Passions in Poetry

Blind Me (repost from Dark 3)

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Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith
Member
since 02-12-2000
Posts 200
Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A.


0 posted 01-06-2002 01:08 AM       View Profile for Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith   Email Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith

Blind Me

Starting from the center of my chest
Spreading outward
Consuming my flesh
Leaving the outward shell intact
So that no one may discern the cavity within

One by one the organs deflate
Like raisins left in the oven over long
Muscles wither
Until nothing is left but steak
Very, very well done

Leave me in the desert long enough
The vultures will feast
But not this desert
Here I have no tears
Though my eyes still work too well

Blind me, set me free
Let me never see again
This desert of your indifference
As I watch, across the room
His lips upon yours


This received absolutely no response in Dark 3. So, I'm wondering if that was a fluke or if this really sucks. You be the judge.

Your pain is for you alone, As it is, As it was, As it will be forever, Amen
   -The Prophet Qa'sepel

The noblest battles are always fought in vai

© Copyright 2002 Darren Lausa - All Rights Reserved
strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


1 posted 01-06-2002 11:02 AM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

I can't do any critiquing for you Ian, but I don't see this as being dark at all..I see it as a very sad poem. the woman has gone to another and the writer is so sad, hurt, lonely. It is a great poem. I am sure you will get responses here. floria
EllenMoran
Junior Member
since 01-03-2002
Posts 24


2 posted 01-08-2002 12:43 AM       View Profile for EllenMoran   Email EllenMoran   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit EllenMoran's Home Page   View IP for EllenMoran

Some dark, compelling images in here, but I think you could tighten up the language a bit (i.e., do you really need two "outward"s in the first stanza? Can you get across the same point by dropping the second one?) to really make it solid.

It's late and I need to sleep, but hopefully I'll have a fuller critique for you in the next few days
Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith
Member
since 02-12-2000
Posts 200
Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A.


3 posted 01-08-2002 01:55 AM       View Profile for Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith   Email Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith

Ellen,
When one is very close to something, one tends not to see things (forest and tree syndrome, don't you know?). I had never noticed that I had two 'outward's in that first stanza. Thank you for being my eyes. I think, however, that I should rework the second line. Where else would something spread from the center but outward. Now that you mention it, I think the first one is redundant.
I look forward to more of your insight.
Ian

Your pain is for you alone, As it is, As it was, As it will be forever, Amen
   -The Prophet Qa'sepel

The noblest battles are always fought in vai

catalinamoon
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 06-03-2000
Posts 9897
The Shores of Alone


4 posted 01-08-2002 10:33 PM       View Profile for catalinamoon   Email catalinamoon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit catalinamoon's Home Page   View IP for catalinamoon

Ian,I like it, and have felt it. I think Dark does not have that many readers anymore. Send us more over here, I would love to read them.
Sandra
catalinamoon
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 06-03-2000
Posts 9897
The Shores of Alone


5 posted 01-08-2002 10:36 PM       View Profile for catalinamoon   Email catalinamoon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit catalinamoon's Home Page   View IP for catalinamoon

Ian, I thought I was in Open, (I'm tired  LOL). I never come in critical, cause I can't critique at all.I understood and felt your poem, thats all that matters to me.
Sandra
Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith
Member
since 02-12-2000
Posts 200
Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A.


6 posted 01-08-2002 11:27 PM       View Profile for Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith   Email Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith

Hey Cat!
I haven't posted in Dark much lately either. I like Critique tho, it does help me with my writing. Open moves too fast for me, too many posts. But I may stop in and check things out sometime. Just to see you! hehehe
See you soon,
Ian

The noblest battles are always fought in vain
-Cyrano de Bergerac

Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith
Member
since 02-12-2000
Posts 200
Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A.


7 posted 01-08-2002 11:44 PM       View Profile for Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith   Email Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith

Blind Me

Starting from the center of my chest
Spreading like furnace breath
Consuming my flesh
Leaving the outward shell intact
So that no one may discern the cavity within

One by one the organs deflate
Like raisins left in the oven over long
Muscles wither
Until nothing is left but steak
Very, very well done

Leave me in the desert long enough
The vultures will feast
But not this wasteland
Here I have no tears
Though my eyes still work too well

Blind me, set me free
Let me never see again
This desert of your indifference
As I watch, across the room
His lips upon yours

Well, here is the first revision. What do you think?

The noblest battles are always fought in vain
-Cyrano de Bergerac

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