'The glowing flames leap in the hearth,
Dancers in red tights and gold gowns.
Leaping and jumping with elegant grace,
As they move to the crackling sounds.'
Good beginning, although it might be a good idea not to use leap/leaping in such close proximity to each other.
'They twist and twirl over flaming logs
Their arms reaching out to take hold.'
To take hold of what?
'Partners then, they chose for themselves,'
This line is a little awkward.
'And a breath taking dance now unfolds.'
Should it be breathtaking, or breath-taking? I'm not sure, but a full space between the words seems to interrupt its smooth flow too much.
'The tango, a passionate dance,
With rhythm the dancers entwine.'
'Dance' and its variations are getting pretty repetitive by this point.
'Their wonderful movements excite me,
As the music and beat they define.'
I like the idea of the flames/dancers defining the music instead of the other way around, but I think your rhyme sounds a little forced here.
'Next begins the sweet song of ballet,
As the flickering flames hypnotize .
On dainty toes they pirouette,
Their fingers reach to the skies.'
This was okay, but it really doesn't progress the poem anywhere. Also, I had a little trouble picturing fire in a hearth reaching for the skies... seems to me they're looking up at a chimney.
'Exhausted their energy dwindles,
And the dance floor of logs turns to ash.
Costumes turn blue, as the heat fades away,
Then finally the dance floor will crash.'
I like this stanza. but you've got a tense disagreement- you go from present to future, and it seems like you primarily did it to make the rhyme work... which is one of the problems in a strctly rhyming poem.
'What's left behind, are some smoldering logs,'
The comma between behind and are is uneccessary and distracting.
'As the stunning dancers have retired.
Disappeared in the night, gone is their light,
And the fiery dance of flames, has expired.'
Again, there is a problem with tense. The entire poem is in present, then you jump to future, and then to past. I am wondering what happened to the time when all this happened that it is in the past now.
Also, I guess the last stanza could pack a bigger punch. Maybe add a little of the writer/speaker's ideas in- how do you feel about all this? Why does it matter? Telling the story is fine, but telling us why we should care is better.
Overall, I did like this poem, and I think you presented some interesting images in it. With a little fine-tuning, you could have something really good here. Hope I've helped.
"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"