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Rewrite... Dance of Flames

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strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


0 posted 01-02-2002 08:50 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for strbbux

Well ok, I saw the first one was awful. so lets see how this is. still unsure..funny how some come easy and some don't, but I like the idea and want to do this right. floria


Dance Of The Flames

The glowing flames leap in the hearth,
Dancers in red tights and gold gowns.
Leaping and jumping with elegant grace,
As they move to the crackling sounds.

They twist and twirl over flaming logs
Their arms reaching out to take hold.
Partners then, they chose for themselves,
And a breath taking dance now unfolds.

The tango, a passionate dance,
With rhythm the dancers entwine.
Their wonderful movements excite me,
As the music and beat they define.

Next begins the sweet song of ballet,
As the flickering flames hypnotize .
On dainty toes they pirouette,
Their fingers reach to the skies.

Exhausted their energy dwindles,
And the dance floor of logs turns to ash.
Costumes turn blue, as the heat fades away,
Then finally the dance floor will crash.

What's left behind, are some smoldering logs,
As the stunning dancers have retired.
Disappeared in the night, gone is their light,
And the fiery dance of flames, has expired.

Floria aka strbbux

[This message has been edited by strbbux (01-02-2002 08:51 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Floria Kelderhouse - All Rights Reserved
strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


1 posted 01-03-2002 08:34 AM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

This has been rewritten again.Oh my Oh me,, and moved to #18,, It needed more work. Floria
hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


2 posted 01-04-2002 11:46 AM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

'The glowing flames leap in the hearth,
Dancers in red tights and gold gowns.
Leaping and jumping with elegant grace,
As they move to the crackling sounds.'

Good beginning, although it might be a good idea not to use leap/leaping in such close proximity to each other.

'They twist and twirl over flaming logs
Their arms reaching out to take hold.'

To take hold of what?

'Partners then, they chose for themselves,'

This line is a little awkward.

'And a breath taking dance now unfolds.'

Should it be breathtaking, or breath-taking? I'm not sure, but a full space between the words seems to interrupt its smooth flow too much.

'The tango, a passionate dance,
With rhythm the dancers entwine.'

'Dance' and its variations are getting pretty repetitive by this point.

'Their wonderful movements excite me,
As the music and beat they define.'

I like the idea of the flames/dancers defining the music instead of the other way around, but I think your rhyme sounds a little forced here.

'Next begins the sweet song of ballet,
As the flickering flames hypnotize .
On dainty toes they pirouette,
Their fingers reach to the skies.'

This was okay, but it really doesn't progress the poem anywhere. Also, I had a little trouble picturing fire in a hearth reaching for the skies... seems to me they're looking up at a chimney.

'Exhausted their energy dwindles,
And the dance floor of logs turns to ash.
Costumes turn blue, as the heat fades away,
Then finally the dance floor will crash.'

I like this stanza. but you've got a tense disagreement- you go from present to future, and it seems like you primarily did it to make the rhyme work... which is one of the problems in a strctly rhyming poem.

'What's left behind, are some smoldering logs,'

The comma between behind and are is uneccessary and distracting.

'As the stunning dancers have retired.
Disappeared in the night, gone is their light,
And the fiery dance of flames, has expired.'

Again, there is a problem with tense. The entire poem is in present, then you jump to future, and then to past. I am wondering what happened to the time when all this happened that it is in the past now.

Also, I guess the last stanza could pack a bigger punch. Maybe add a little of the writer/speaker's ideas in- how do you feel about all this? Why does it matter? Telling the story is fine, but telling us why we should care is better.

Overall, I did like this poem, and I think you presented some interesting images in it. With a little fine-tuning, you could have something really good here. Hope I've helped.


"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


3 posted 01-04-2002 02:25 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

I have to agree that some minor tune-up would help, particularly in the rhyming and what appears forced or unnatural as Hush suggested.

Also I have a suggestion for the future and it is only a suggestion. If you post a poem in this forum in hopes of improving it, it might be better to hold off posting in Open or elsewhere until you are satisfied with it. That way, you present it at its best in the other forum. Well, just a suggestion.

Thanks,

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


4 posted 01-04-2002 02:52 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Pete you are so right I am laughing at myself. I know I jumped to post this much to soon,It needs a lot of help. I just got carried away with a love for the poem and it was not ready...Oh this is a wonderful site. You have no idea how much help all of you have offered me, especially on this one poem. I am reading all my mail and notes and taking this poem and trying to do a good re write on it.. You are right. I should be sure it is good before posting to open forum. I will remember and thank you so much for always offering your help..floria
strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


5 posted 01-04-2002 02:54 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Hush , how can I thank you too? I am printing out your answer to me above along with all the other help I have gotten and taking a good look at that poem....It needs work.. I am working on it now, with all my notes I have acquired including yours. Great people on this site. THANK YOU SO MUCH. floria
Mac Attack
Member
since 12-12-2001
Posts 102
Ontario, Canada


6 posted 01-04-2002 08:58 PM       View Profile for Mac Attack   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mac Attack

Hi Floria,

Just wanted to let you know that while reading this I was reminded of the number of times I sat in front of a camp fire and watched the flames dance.  

Cheers,

Mac
strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


7 posted 01-04-2002 09:12 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Mac, we were campers when my children were younger and oh those fires. We loved them. Now they are in the hearth...thank you. I have not posted the final version. It is finished with help from many great poets help on here. I dont want to take up too much room on here, but I struggled with this one. thanks for the reply. floria
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