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Passions in Poetry

A Silent Moment (revised and titled)

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Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


0 posted 01-02-2002 12:37 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Thanks to all of you who tried to help with this one. I have tried to put most of your good adice to good use, as best I could. I hope I have not gone over the line and turned it into a cheap romance novel. Also, I'm sorry but it got just a little longer in the process. Thanks for your indulgence.


        A Silent Moment

I watched you slowly make your way around the room
in conversations with so many others,
your face just a little too red,
right eye and a corner of your mouth
drooping ever so slightly -
Ah, perhaps a bit too much gin.
No my dear, you were not at your best and
you had been away for so long and
I found myself almost thinking,
yes, she is still a very attractive woman
but maybe not the goddess I always thought.
Could I have been enchanted all along?

I found no pleasure in that revelation,
only a small sense of satisfaction
that I might finally be slipping
free of your spell.

Then I thought I saw that look
as you started in my direction
and I couldn't help but hope that
you might just stop to say hello
and I waited in anticipation.
And you passed by -
You were not coming to me but
to someone behind me
I couldn't look around.

Then, as if to fulfill my wish,
there you were,
draped over my shoulder
like a favorite sweater,
whispering in my ear,
your cheek brushing mine,
your body pressed against my back.
I can still savor that touch
and feel your breath on my neck
and hear the echo of your voice.

You said something
but I was unable to speak,
thoughts refused to form into words.
It was one of those intensely silent moments
where everything seems to move in slow motion -
You know the kind I mean.

It was at that moment I think I realized
maybe you are that goddess I always adored.

Then, as I still enjoyed the soft warmth
of your body pressing firmly against mine,
the feel of your hand on my arm
and the sweet smell of your perfume,
with an unexpected quick kiss,
you were gone as suddenly as you had come
and I never really said anything
nor understood anything you said.

Oh, there was so much I wanted to say
but sadly, none of it would come.
I wanted to feel you touching me,
I wanted to return the kiss,
I wanted to hold you,
but it was too late.
You were gone
once again.

That's what I mean.


© Copyright 2002 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved
strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


1 posted 01-02-2002 12:56 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

I like this version so much better , and it is not too long, it is perfect...And guess what? I think you should change your name to " A Poet"  floria
Apachecat906
Member
since 09-04-2001
Posts 235
Michigan, USA


2 posted 01-02-2002 04:45 PM       View Profile for Apachecat906   Email Apachecat906   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Apachecat906

I agree, this one is much better, especially with the title, which I think is good because it focuses in on the silence.  Also, I like how you added the line about realizing maybe she still was the goddess, I think that helped.
hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


3 posted 01-02-2002 11:24 PM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

I totally disagree. I think the first version of this was much better- in fact, I didn't reply to it because I didn't really have anything critical to say, and I wasn't sure what to say besides "great job." I probably should have said it anyway, but oh well.

This is a little too drawn-out. The original was much more cohesive with its longer stanzas, and overall I thought it flowed much better and left a strnger impression on me than this version does.

Hope I've helped.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

jenni
Senior Member
since 09-11-99
Posts 511
Washington D.C.


4 posted 01-03-2002 01:39 PM       View Profile for jenni   Email jenni   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for jenni

hiya pete--

i read the second version here with interest, but i have to say i think i liked the first version better overall.  the pace seems a little slower in this version, i think.  i'm guessing you intended that, but, for me, anyway, the first version worked a little better.  

both versions, though, seem really prosy, which i guess is ok, but i was wondering whether you might have more emotional impact in the piece if you abandoned the relatively straightforward, journalistic approach to description of a scene and instead used more imagery.  it might open things up a bit, and, with the right images, convey the same or better sense to the reader in more economical fashion, as well as make it more vivid.  for example, instead of:

"I watched you slowly make your way around the room
in conversations with so many others,
your face just a little too red,
right eye and a corner of your mouth
drooping ever so slightly -
Ah, perhaps a bit too much gin"

how about something like:

"Confettied laughter slurred the night
as you splashed the gin of your new year's smile"

(like it was a new year's eve party, get it?)or whatever, lol... not trying to rewrite your poem here, but something vivid that cuts to the whole picture right away, in one or two lines.  

you might also want to think about a different point of attack?  start with the contact, maybe; i think a lot of what you're saying in the first three stanzas is either unnecessary or can be dealt with, directly or by implication, through the speaker's response to the pressing of the bodies and the unexpected kiss.  it'd put the reader much more quickly into that important moment.  just a thought, something to consider.

i think if you do stick with the general approach you have here, we need to hear what the erstwhile goddess whispers when she comes up behind our hero; i felt a little cheated, lol.  but maybe that's just me, lol, i love gossip, lol.  

it's nice to see you branching out from sonnets, lol.  i am, as always, fascinated by your goddess poems, and this was no exception.  thanks for a good read....

jenni
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


5 posted 01-03-2002 05:36 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Well, now it seems to be getting complicated. Floria and Apachecat, I'm glad you enjoyed the revision. And Hush, your advice is always helpful, whether you liked it or not.

Jenni, it is good to hear your voice again. You have been away much too long and we have missed you and your wonderful poetry.

I think I can understand what each of you is saying but I'm not so sure I can put it all into words. I'll work on this some more and if it ever seems worthy, I may repost it one more time.

Thanks all,
Pete

P.S. Jenni, don't be such a stranger, OK?
Not A Poet will be notified of replies
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