i read the second version here with interest, but i have to say i think i liked the first version better overall. the pace seems a little slower in this version, i think. i'm guessing you intended that, but, for me, anyway, the first version worked a little better.
both versions, though, seem really prosy, which i guess is ok, but i was wondering whether you might have more emotional impact in the piece if you abandoned the relatively straightforward, journalistic approach to description of a scene and instead used more imagery. it might open things up a bit, and, with the right images, convey the same or better sense to the reader in more economical fashion, as well as make it more vivid. for example, instead of:
"I watched you slowly make your way around the room
in conversations with so many others,
your face just a little too red,
right eye and a corner of your mouth
drooping ever so slightly -
Ah, perhaps a bit too much gin"
how about something like:
"Confettied laughter slurred the night
as you splashed the gin of your new year's smile"
(like it was a new year's eve party, get it?)or whatever, lol... not trying to rewrite your poem here, but something vivid that cuts to the whole picture right away, in one or two lines.
you might also want to think about a different point of attack? start with the contact, maybe; i think a lot of what you're saying in the first three stanzas is either unnecessary or can be dealt with, directly or by implication, through the speaker's response to the pressing of the bodies and the unexpected kiss. it'd put the reader much more quickly into that important moment. just a thought, something to consider.
i think if you do stick with the general approach you have here, we need to hear what the erstwhile goddess whispers when she comes up behind our hero; i felt a little cheated, lol. but maybe that's just me, lol, i love gossip, lol.
it's nice to see you branching out from sonnets, lol. i am, as always, fascinated by your goddess poems, and this was no exception. thanks for a good read....