How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Critical Analysis #1 Archive
 Sweet Rememberance
 1 2
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Sweet Rememberance (revised)

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member
since 09-20-2001
Posts 1479
Universal Mind


0 posted 01-01-2002 01:52 PM       View Profile for aries_luv_ppl   Email aries_luv_ppl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit aries_luv_ppl's Home Page   View IP for aries_luv_ppl

On this mild night with mild wind
stepping on the thin air of the last breath
of December's rememberance, with
bitter sweet wine closing our hesitate thoughts
we ponder towards the glimpse
of first light in the new page in our memory.

Waiting with uncertainties yet with hopes,
with certain comfort in the moistness of the air,
the mind is in an unclear state of doubt.
With the silence awakes the lonely soul
of the ground, which may solace the troubles of heart,
that would rekindle its goodness under the solos of pianos.

As choruses echo back from the ends of the streets,
the scents of candles bring warmth to sleeves,
as the candles' light quiets the storm of the minds.
As the flames come to the end, the year closes;
our bodies soften into the sofa
with sweet remembrance of yesterday's dreams.

//thanks Lord! My friend was over my house on New Year Eve to sit by my side when I wrote this. He has saved me from


~Flower lasts so an hour, yet spring will brings her back to life again.
~Just when I thought it is too far away, opportunity knocks the door

[This message has been edited by aries_luv_ppl (01-02-2002 07:57 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Eliza Simmons - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


1 posted 01-01-2002 11:39 PM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

I like this. There are a few things that kind of jar me, though.

In stanza one, I really enjoyed the imagery and flow- but I think all the "of's" are a little distracting. Maybe you could eliminate one or more by using the 's to show posession? Also, I think in "wine of bitter sweet" it would be simpler and more direct to just say "bitter sweet wine."

In stanza two, I like the first three lines. The last three lost me though... what is The Heart of Troubles? The piano solo didn't make much sense to me either.

Stanza three is nice... but I don't necessarily think 'nice' is the right way to end a poem. I really like the image of bodies softening into the sofa... other than that, you might try to play with your wording or images a little more. As is, the candles and sweet remembrance don't leave too much of a lasting impression.

Hope I've helped.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member
since 09-20-2001
Posts 1479
Universal Mind


2 posted 01-02-2002 03:24 PM       View Profile for aries_luv_ppl   Email aries_luv_ppl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit aries_luv_ppl's Home Page   View IP for aries_luv_ppl

hi hush! Thanks for replying...You always post something when other didn't reply.

Glad you're my first reply.

I will do something about 'of'. I don't know why I like to use, with & of in my poems. Maybe I should practice writing long sentence in a simple way.

Ayia, I should say Troubles of Heart instead of Heart of Troubles. Thanks for pointing that out. What I mean in the last three line of the stanza is that the piano rekindle the goodness. Cuz I like the idea that music heal our soul.

What would you suggest in the third stanza? My orignal idea was that the sofa is soft with mild candle light that one in dreams with rememberance of happiness.

Eliza Simmons
~Flower lasts so an hour, yet spring will brings her back to life again.

aries_luv_ppl will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Critical Analysis #1 >> Sweet Rememberance Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors