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Passions in Poetry

The Stone...also posted in open

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Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 12-05-2001
Posts 8552
Michigan


0 posted 12-30-2001 06:25 PM       View Profile for Madame Chipmunk   Email Madame Chipmunk   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Madame Chipmunk's Home Page   View IP for Madame Chipmunk

This is also posted in open, but I would really appreciate some criticism....I have re-written this poem about 6 times in both rhyming and free verse.
I hope someone can give me some critical feedback on it......thanks, Lyra

Just yesterday, his hug was warm
with lopsided grin so wide
his tawny hair, a tousled mess
my tears have not yet dried

today I bought a stone for him
the mason's hammer struck hard
breaking my heart into pieces
splinters of slick granite shards

headstone
tombstone
gravestone
deathstone
he lies beneath the earth
alone

his pall encased in rites of dirt
sealed soft with weedy green
where saffron sculpted flowers
flirt with lace of Ann the Queen

he slumbers neath the loamy soil
I cannot wake him ever
"he's late for school again" I think
but now he sleeps forever

copyright2001 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

© Copyright 2001 Lyra Nesius - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


1 posted 01-02-2002 11:15 PM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

Queen Anne's lace is my favorite flower.

I think this is done very well. I actually thought the Queen Anne's lace line was a little too contorted, and it got awkward there, but otherwise this has good flow and imagery, and was overall very effective in conveying grief.

I enjoyed the read.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

jenni
Senior Member
since 09-11-99
Posts 511
Washington D.C.


2 posted 01-03-2002 05:53 PM       View Profile for jenni   Email jenni   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for jenni

lyra--

i thought this piece was very well done, and quite touching.  like hush, though, i was bothered by the "lace of Ann the Queen" line; it's too contorted, and a poem as beautiful as this doesn't deserve it.  the problem may well be that the prior line, ending with 'green', sets up the wrong rhyme; it might be better if you had something in the second line of that stanza that will rhyme with 'lace', i think.  something to think about, anyway.  

thanks for sharing this with us.

jenni
Opeth
Member Elite
since 12-13-2001
Posts 2224
The Ravines


3 posted 01-04-2002 11:21 AM       View Profile for Opeth   Email Opeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Opeth

Just yesterday, his hug was warm
with lopsided grin so wide
his tawny hair, a tousled mess
my tears have not yet dried
should there be punctuation marks between "wide-his and mess-my?"

tToday I bought a stone for him
the mason's hammer struck hard
breaking my heart into pieces
splinters of slick granite shards
again punctuation marks seem to be missing and your heart broke into pieces or splinters - 2 adjectives to describe what happened?
headstone
tombstone
gravestone
deathstone
he lies beneath the earth
alone
[b]That part I thought to be most excellent

his pall encased in rites of dirt
sealed soft with weedy green
where saffron sculpted flowers
flirt with lace of Ann the Queen
That verse works well.
he slumbers neath the loamy soil
I cannot wake him ever
"he's late for school again" I think
but now he sleeps forever

Besides some missing punctuation marks and the pieces/splinter thingy, this was well written and rhymed. I sensed your sadness all the way through.

copyright2001 Lyra Nesius

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 12-05-2001
Posts 8552
Michigan


4 posted 01-04-2002 05:59 PM       View Profile for Madame Chipmunk   Email Madame Chipmunk   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Madame Chipmunk's Home Page   View IP for Madame Chipmunk

Thanks Jenni and Hush....I'll work on that one and re-post it if I ever get it to read better.

copyright2001 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 12-05-2001
Posts 8552
Michigan


5 posted 01-04-2002 06:03 PM       View Profile for Madame Chipmunk   Email Madame Chipmunk   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Madame Chipmunk's Home Page   View IP for Madame Chipmunk

Thanks for the input, JCP
I always thought that punctuation wasn't required in poems....especially at the beginnings and ends of lines.
Line breaks can be used instead....the new line, being the beginning of the new thought.
Am I wrong?
I think you are probably right about the pieces/splinters thing...they both mean pretty much the same thing.
Thanks for your help...I will work on this poem some more.

copyright2001 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 12-05-2001
Posts 8552
Michigan


6 posted 01-09-2002 03:27 PM       View Profile for Madame Chipmunk   Email Madame Chipmunk   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Madame Chipmunk's Home Page   View IP for Madame Chipmunk

This is a revision,  please tell me what you think...thanks

Just yesterday, his hug was warm
lopsided grin, so wide
his tawny hair, a tangled mess
my tears have not yet dried

today I bought a stone for him
carved from a mother's tears
her heart broken into pieces
one for each of his years

headstone
tombstone
gravestone
deathstone
he lies beneath the earth
alone

his pall encased in rites of dirt
sealed soft with weedy grace
where saffron sculpted buttercups
are wound with Queen Ann's lace

he slumbers neath the loamy soil
composing dreams of never
he must be late for school again
but, no, he sleeps forever


copyright2001 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

[This message has been edited by Madame Chipmunk (01-11-2002 12:05 PM).]

Larry C
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 09-10-2001
Posts 10765
United States


7 posted 01-11-2002 12:22 AM       View Profile for Larry C   Email Larry C   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Larry C's Home Page   View IP for Larry C

Lyra,

his pall encased in rites of dirt
sealed soft with weedy grace
where saffron sculpted buttercups
are wound with Queen Ann's lace

I like this verse much better. And the punctuation added in other portions helps this poem as well. The other lack of punctuation, I think, contributes to the feeling of loss...so I'd leave it out.

Again, I can't help but ache at your horrible loss. He certainly deserves this much effort in your wonderful attempt to honor him. Bless you.

[This message has been edited by Larry C (01-11-2002 12:24 AM).]

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 12-05-2001
Posts 8552
Michigan


8 posted 01-11-2002 12:06 PM       View Profile for Madame Chipmunk   Email Madame Chipmunk   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Madame Chipmunk's Home Page   View IP for Madame Chipmunk

Thanks so much for your helpful critique, Larry.

copyright2001 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


9 posted 01-13-2002 11:18 AM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

Actually, I like the first version first... I would just switch the Queen Anne's Lace stanza with the revised one, and it would work really well. I like the element of surprise that it's a son and not a lover at the end... I'd keep that.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

punksmurf
Junior Member
since 01-01-2002
Posts 42
new hampshire, U.S.


10 posted 01-20-2002 02:31 PM       View Profile for punksmurf   Email punksmurf   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for punksmurf

wow,  both were very powerful al though i like the second better, the imagery was more clear and the words seemed better constructed, i enjoyed your poem to the fullest
~Me
Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 05-18-2001
Posts 29020
Gaia


11 posted 07-09-2003 03:08 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun


I read this one again, in silence, in honor of son and mother, and all who are left behind to remember.

Missing our little chipmunkster.
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