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Passions in Poetry

Searching For The Light

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strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


0 posted 12-29-2001 01:14 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for strbbux

Ok, I am exposing myself here...you can rip into this if you like.. I wrote it about my sorrow, I was looking for some peace. I wanted to keep this rhyme scheme, but am worried about the poem itself. The wording. sooooo anything you can say to me. I will accept..thanks, floria


Searching For The Light

Walking down the path to sorrow
Unsure of the route I take
Searching for some peace and comfort
Through the night I lay awake
So I trudge along this way, hoping for a brighter day,
Knowing not if I should greet, any soul that I would meet.
Dark and dreary is this journey.
I know not what I'll behold
Long and narrow is the path now
And so heavy is my load.
Hoping for a sweet release,praying that this pain will cease,
Needing for someone to care, someone who my soul would bear.
Then I see a bright light shining.
Through the dark and dreary way
Opening a whole new entrance
To a brightly shining day,
No longer do I feel so sad, neither sorrow neither bad.
I no longer feel alone, For my Light has for me shone.
So I travel on my journey
And lighted now is my way
Peace, joy and contentement follow
Casting all my fears away
My soul is now so full of love, My son is watching from above
Knowing that we miss him so, Feeling all the love we show.


Floria aka strbbux


[This message has been edited by strbbux (12-30-2001 08:27 PM).]

© Copyright 2001 Floria Kelderhouse - All Rights Reserved
lizzyluv
Member
since 12-27-2001
Posts 53
nh, usa. we suck.


1 posted 12-29-2001 07:16 PM       View Profile for lizzyluv   Email lizzyluv   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lizzyluv

hmm, the emtion comes across, but i'm having a really hard time dealing w/the rhyme and cliche. after a couple edits, it couold be really good, though. the spirit, i like.

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
"the words inside my head/ are better than the words i've said/ as alway

strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


2 posted 12-29-2001 07:31 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Thanks Lizzy, I am so very unsure of this piece. I kind of like the rhyme scheme but it needs some work and I don't have a clue what it needs. I hope someone helps me with this..I so appreciate your response. floria
lizzyluv
Member
since 12-27-2001
Posts 53
nh, usa. we suck.


3 posted 12-29-2001 08:41 PM       View Profile for lizzyluv   Email lizzyluv   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lizzyluv

well, the rhymes mostly work, but a few are really obvious. i'm not one to talk to about rhyme schemes; i don't use them. but some of the imagery could be relooked and maybe substited w/more apt phrases. i'm not sure what else to address.

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
"the words inside my head/ are better than the words i've said/ as alway

strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


4 posted 12-30-2001 09:24 AM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Thanks Lizzy I will wait for  a few more replys on this one. floria
Shou-Lao
Member
since 10-12-2001
Posts 101


5 posted 12-31-2001 05:15 PM       View Profile for Shou-Lao   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Shou-Lao


Walking down the path to sorrow
Unsure of the route I take

Walking seems too direct to me; too sure to fit the next line, try to find another word that captures the feeling of being lost or unsure. You don’t even have to use one that describes your means of locomotion, the reader isn’t interested whether you’re walking or riding a horse! They’ll pick up the fact that your moving from the context of the lines, spending time describing something that the readers will guess themselves is just a waste of words, and words are precious commodities in poetry. Here’s what I mean:

Blindfold down the path to sorrow
Unsure of the route to take

This is only an example, I’m not suggesting you use it but it will suffice to show you what I mean. The lines still invoke the feeling of movement thanks to the words ‘path’ and ‘route’ but replacing the redundant word ‘walking’ with ‘blindfold’ has accentuated the feeling of being lost.

This word replacement exercise can be repeated all the way through your poem, while you’re doing it remember the reader will fill in any gaps, in fact in poetry sometimes less is more – it gives the readers something to think about.
strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


6 posted 12-31-2001 05:56 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Shou Lao I was desperately looking for some input on this. I didnt want to "trash it" and I was stuck.I was not sure what was wrong with it and where to go with it. You have given me something to work with. and I cant wait to get started. Thanks so much for the input. I so appreciate it. Floria
Mac Attack
Member
since 12-12-2001
Posts 102
Ontario, Canada


7 posted 01-01-2002 12:15 PM       View Profile for Mac Attack   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mac Attack

Hi Floria,

I’m new here so please bear with me.  You have asked for some assistance, so I am responding to that request with a few suggestions:

1) You may want to use more punctuation and separate the verses to give more impact.
2) Some minor changes (below) may help make message cleaner..

”Lost along” the path to sorrow,
Unsure of the route I take.
Searching for some peace and comfort
Throughout the night I lay awake.

(removing “walking” will be less contradictory as you “lay awake” in the next line)

So I “struggle” along this way,
Hoping for a brighter day.
Knowing not if I should greet,
Any soul that I would meet.

(change trudge to struggle, keeping with mental not physical conflict as suggested earlier)

Anyway, you get the idea.  I think if you try reworking using these small suggestions, you will find your piece moves at a cleaner pace with a little clearer message.  This is just my two cents worth, you don’t have to spend it on my suggestions! Lol!

Good luck, and I look forward to the re-write.  It is worth the effort!

Mac
amusemi
Senior Member
since 12-08-2001
Posts 1300
A State of Disarray


8 posted 01-01-2002 04:02 PM       View Profile for amusemi   Email amusemi   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for amusemi

I agree with Mac.

And here's a misspell (like I ever get spelling right!)

contentement s/b contentment  lose the "e"

I did like this, though!  Good job!
strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


9 posted 01-01-2002 10:07 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Dear mac, thank you so much, between you and shou loa I will most certainly be able to
"fix" this poem. I didnt want to trash it, but I needed some help. I appreciate your input here. floria
strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


10 posted 01-01-2002 10:09 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Amuseme,,,LOL, I am a bad speller but I always spellcheck, and since this is mispelled I must not have done it..thanks. think I'll go back to school LOL. floria
strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


11 posted 01-02-2002 01:02 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

With much help I have re written this, thank you Shou loa..Give credit where credit is due..Floria


Searching For The Light

Blindfold down the path to sorrow;
Unsure of the route to take.
Desperate for peace and comfort
Through the night I lie awake.

Dark and fearful is my journey
Through the nightmares that unfold,
Long and narrow is the path now
And so heavy is my load.

Suddenly a light, full shining;
A beacon on this frightful way,
Could this now be my salvation?
Will my fear be held at bay?

No longer blinded by my sorrow
I no longer stand alone,
Hands clasped tight in recognition
Of the Light that I’ve been shown.

Now I travel on my journey
Faith to guide me as I go,
Cradled in a new contentment
Bathed within its afterglow.

My heart now, full of hope, is reaching
To the son that slipped away
Whispering how much I miss him
And how we’ll meet again one day.

Floria
© 2002


Mac Attack
Member
since 12-12-2001
Posts 102
Ontario, Canada


12 posted 01-04-2002 08:36 PM       View Profile for Mac Attack   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mac Attack

OMG.  This came out powerful and (dare I say) perfect!  (You have shown an amazing ability to take a few small suggestions and make this rewrite great.)

Thanks for sparing this from the trash bin and taking the time to work on it.  I certainly appreciate the effort you've put in because I found myself sitting here with my mouth hanging open while I was reading it.  Bravo!

Mac
strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


13 posted 01-04-2002 09:01 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Mac, I humbly say this. thank you to all of you here who help me and see me through.. sometimes the soul speaks, but the structure is weak... I love this site so much for the love that all of you show, and for all the learning experience I am getting here that I so sorely need. Thank you Mac for your kind reply..floria
wolf
Junior Member
since 01-04-2002
Posts 15
Hamilton (Steeltown)


14 posted 01-05-2002 03:14 PM       View Profile for wolf   Email wolf   Edit/Delete Message      Click to visit wolf's Home Page   View IP for wolf

Hi Floria.

Very nice poem, full of feeling and love.
The suggestions above are good ones and on re-write made your poem read and sound a lot smoother.
May I suggest a couple more changes?

Blindfold down the path to sorrow;
Change to:
Lonely" down the "road" of sorrow.


Suddenly a light, full shining;
Change to:
Suddenly a "clear light" shining.


A beacon on this frightful way,
Change to:
A beacon on "my" frightful way.

Could this now be my salvation?
Change to:
Could this "really be" salvation.

No longer blinded by my sorrow
change to:
No "more" blinded by my sorrow.


My heart now, full of hope, is reaching
Change to:
My heart, now full of hope "and" reaching.


My reason for the above suggested changes are,

there are to many repetitive words and they impede the flow and the rhythm of the poetry.

However, there are no hard and fast rules and you have to go with what is right for you.
So please take my suggestions with a few grains of salt.  

wolf


[This message has been edited by wolf (01-05-2002 03:18 PM).]

strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


15 posted 01-05-2002 03:30 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Dear Wolf, I never turn down critiques as it is the only way to learn. And I certainly thank you for your contribution to helping me. I will print this out and look very closely at  your suggestions. I thank you so very much for reading and taking the time to do a good critique. floria
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