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Passions in Poetry

Lessons in Love - REWRITE

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CondorSey
Junior Member
since 12-24-2001
Posts 29
Dam-Nation


0 posted 12-27-2001 10:32 PM       View Profile for CondorSey   Email CondorSey   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for CondorSey

I have reworked this poem and would like to know what you think.

What is love, I would often ask,
Souls open and free, without mask.
Never having known what love could be,
I had continued on, wild and carefree.
Thinking I knew, what love is,
How wrong was I, until your kiss.

You've shown me love, pure and true
Taking me places I never knew.
Honesty, devotion, pure in deed,
Respect and understanding, these love need.
I cherish and honor you til heavens above,
Because of you, I now know what is love.

Let's put the FUN back into Dysfunctional.

© Copyright 2001 Condor Sey - All Rights Reserved
lizzyluv
Member
since 12-27-2001
Posts 53
nh, usa. we suck.


1 posted 12-27-2001 10:45 PM       View Profile for lizzyluv   Email lizzyluv   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lizzyluv

grr, i think i'm too much of a cynic to make unbiased comment, so i'm gonna leave it at-- the work you've put in shows.

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith
Member
since 02-12-2000
Posts 200
Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A.


2 posted 12-28-2001 12:11 AM       View Profile for Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith   Email Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith

CondorSey,

I have read both versions of this piece and I must say that this rewrite is better than the first. I know how hard it is to write love poetry (I have written plenty of it and much of it I will never show to anyone, it's so bad!) That being said, I still think that this needs a good amount of work. It has potential but there are some things that I would consider revising.
First of all, your timing is terribly inconsistant. So much so, that I can discern no recognisable meter. Line by line you have 8, 9, 9, 11, 7, 8 beats per line in the first stanza. Then 7, 9, 9, 10, 12, 9 beats per line in the second. If I were writing this, I would even out the lines to make them flow better.
Also, rhyming couplets are very difficult to write well. I know this is a big rewrite but you might try turning this into a sonnet. With a little work on the rhyme scheme, evening out the meter and adding a couple of lines you could do it. It's alot more work than it sounds when I describe it but it's possible.
Well, I've mentioned the two most glaring problems (to my mind) and offered a possible solution (albeit a bit drastic). I hope this helps. If not with this poem, then perhaps with your next. Above all, listen to that dream voice and keep writing. You can't help but get better.
Ian

Sing while you may
  -The Prophet Qa'sepel

Your pain is for you alone, As it is, As it was, As it will be forever, Amen
   -The Prophet Qa'sepel

Opeth
Member Elite
since 12-13-2001
Posts 2224
The Ravines


3 posted 12-28-2001 11:10 AM       View Profile for Opeth   Email Opeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Opeth

This is better, indeed.

However, I had trouble understanding these two lines.

Respect and understanding, these love need. These love need?
I cherish and honor you til heavens above, ...til heavens above what?

Good job.
 
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