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lizzyluv
Member
since 12-27-2001
[First Post] 53
nh, usa. we suck.


0 posted 12-27-2001 09:28 PM       View Profile for lizzyluv   Email lizzyluv   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lizzyluv

Don't even tell me
;eh, she was pissing me off;
you've left me here. Strand
;she never meant too much,
you know that, right?;
me here with me again, didn't
you now. And when you get
;she was chewing her knuckles;
home, don't apologize. Don't join
;it was annoying;
me on the couch. Just go sleep in
my bed and don't you feel
;why should I care? It's
just her;
bad and don't you regret a single
glass word. I'm not trying to
;it's her own fault after all;
be dependant on you. but there's
;she asks, begs, [edited by mmoderator]
that we do;
some things I can't help.

© Copyright 2001 Liz MacKinnon - All Rights Reserved
Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith
Member
since 02-12-2000
Posts 200
Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A.


1 posted 12-28-2001 12:27 AM       View Profile for Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith   Email Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith

lizzyluv,
This threw me for a couple of minutes. The punctuation especially. I like the use of the two different voices but the way they are presented is too distracting, I think. I'm not sure how this is supposed to be read but I had to read it as two seperate entities: the left registered lines first, then the indented lines. Perhaps this could be broken into two stanzas. It could even be expanded beyond that to further show what caused this internal(?) debate. You could alternate between the voices using italics to differentiate between the speakers.
Eh, it's a thought.
Ian

Sing while you may
  -The Prophet Qa'sepel

Your pain is for you alone, As it is, As it was, As it will be forever, Amen
   -The Prophet Qa'sepel

Englishpoet
Member
since 12-18-2001
Posts 54
Birmingham, England


2 posted 12-28-2001 04:33 AM       View Profile for Englishpoet   Email Englishpoet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Englishpoet's Home Page   View IP for Englishpoet


Dear Lizzy
This poem caught my attention. Is the indented lines the thoughts in the mind and the other lines facts? Or two different voices of partners?
Asif

The heights by great men reached and kept
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they while their companions slept
Were toiling upward in the nigh

Opeth
Member Elite
since 12-13-2001
Posts 2224
The Ravines


3 posted 12-28-2001 11:18 AM       View Profile for Opeth   Email Opeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Opeth

Although original in its concept, well I did read a few other poems within a poem, I found awkward sentence structures and other grammatical and punctual errors.

I did enjoy the subject matter and think this to be a good idea.

[This message has been edited by Opeth (12-28-2001 12:42 PM).]

rich-pa
Member
since 02-07-2000
Posts 325
New Orleans, Louisiana


4 posted 12-28-2001 12:34 PM       View Profile for rich-pa   Email rich-pa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rich-pa

i took me areading or two befor eit dawned on me what was goin gon, we got two stream of conscious type voices tlaking over each other yet oblivious to the other, or that's how it seems o me, the third person..or i kinda get a pic of the of the guy in  abr telling the story, playing both characters, i could go lotsa ways with that i'm sure..um, one guy addressed senetence sturcutre puntuation and grammar...i say f all that stuff, push the langug to the limits, besides i think it better portrays the human mind in a non proper form, we don't think in proper(i use that term loosely) structured language, we think erraticaly and improperly...the struture of the poem is good, it causes confusion , something i think is a big part of the speakers also, they are a bit confused and so should we be...hmmm. i'm done i dig this
lizzyluv
Member
since 12-27-2001
Posts 53
nh, usa. we suck.


5 posted 12-28-2001 07:47 PM       View Profile for lizzyluv   Email lizzyluv   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lizzyluv

thanks for the responses. a couple thoughts;
1) the grammer, as far as i know was intentional. quotation marks break me up too much, i use semi-colons instead.
2) there are two voices here. the unindented, bitter one is supposed to be closer to a narrational point of view. the second is the subject the first addresses who is in another place. the second is a completely seperate entity f/the first and is oblivious to the diatribe aimed at it even as it cuts the first apart.
3) the jumps in narration are intentional and represent streaming the words/thoughts of buth as simultaniously as possible. parallel  mental processes.
if there are real grammer errors or mistyped sentances, i apologize. but as far as i know, all grammer and structure errors were intended for their effect.
thank you all for responding.

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


6 posted 12-28-2001 11:32 PM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

This is interesting.

I'm wondering where this person was stranded, why, etc. I like the spontaneous, emotional use of language, and I can see how it would impede the disclosure of details.

Still, you've got me interested in these two, I would really like to know more about them. Maybe you could add some depth to the situation- like, add after-the-fact footnotes in parentheses between lines, for example:

you've left me here. Strand
     ;she never meant too much,
      you know that, right?;
me here (something about where "here" is) with me again, didn't

I think something of this nature could take the piece to another level, give faces to the voices.

Hope I've helped.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

lizzyluv
Member
since 12-27-2001
Posts 53
nh, usa. we suck.


7 posted 12-29-2001 12:31 PM       View Profile for lizzyluv   Email lizzyluv   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lizzyluv

part of the concept is just being deserted. yes, i was actually stranded w/o the ride i needed by my girlfriend at the time, but as far as i was concrened, she had deserted me mentally as well. to break all the mystery away, the quotes are supposed to be her explaining my absence to the people we were going to hang out w/. here is a mental as well as physical place.

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

 
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