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Seasons Of Change,,, please critique

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strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


0 posted 12-26-2001 09:26 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for strbbux

This is another attempt at free verse, I love rhyme, but I have done some free verse and I know there should be some structure to it. I don't know if I've done this right.This was originally called " Journey to destruction" with only the one verse, then I added the second verse and changed the title...I will accept all comments. thanks, floria


Seasons Of Change

Dreamily, I look out my frosted window.
The crystalline snow gleams on a cold wintry day.
As chapels soft, echoing bells linger in the valley.
Luminous icicles hang from roof tops,
Dripping drops of water.
As the sun threatens to destroy beauty.
Which should be frozen in time.
Light trickles through the clouds.
And so begins, the journey to destruction.

Yet, under all this ice and snow,
The earth still breathes.
And days follow with brilliant sun.
Spring reappears and brings with it,
New life, new hope, new beginnings.
Buds open up to a new life.
And blooms gently turn their faces towards the sun.
Trees burst forth their new leaves of golden green.
And grass revives lush and thick.
This universe. Such wonders to behold.

Floria
Copyright ©2001


[This message has been edited by strbbux (12-26-2001 09:28 PM).]

© Copyright 2001 Floria Kelderhouse - All Rights Reserved
Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 12-05-2001
Posts 8552
Michigan


1 posted 12-30-2001 05:47 PM       View Profile for Madame Chipmunk   Email Madame Chipmunk   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Madame Chipmunk's Home Page   View IP for Madame Chipmunk

This poem grabbed me immediately, Floria...
especially these lines

"Dripping drops of water.
As the sun threatens to destroy beauty.
Which should be frozen in time.
Light trickles through the clouds.
And so begins, the journey to destruction."

Today, as I gazed out my windows here in Michigan...this is exactly the scene that I saw.

I have similar problems with free verse, and I have also always wanted to write it well, so I understand your desire here.
I think that one thing that might help would be to not capitalize the beginning of each line and also to not place a period at the end of each line.
It might be better to let the poem float freely on the page without any punctuation.

Another comment I have is that in this part of the poem

"Spring reappears and brings with it,
New life, new hope, new beginnings.
Buds open up to a new life"

you used the word "life" in 2 consecutive lines.  You might try substituting another word for one of them, as it add some more depth to the poem.

I hope I have helped a bit.

copyright2001 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


2 posted 12-30-2001 07:23 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Madame, you have helped me tremendously. and that is what I was looking for. Some good input and I do thank you so very much for you comments. I so appreciate when someone will take the time to share their knowledge with me. It is so very helpful. thank you and a very happy new year to you.Floria
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