navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Seasons Of Change,,, please critique
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic Seasons Of Change,,, please critique Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859


0 posted 2001-12-26 09:26 PM


This is another attempt at free verse, I love rhyme, but I have done some free verse and I know there should be some structure to it. I don't know if I've done this right.This was originally called " Journey to destruction" with only the one verse, then I added the second verse and changed the title...I will accept all comments. thanks, floria


Seasons Of Change

Dreamily, I look out my frosted window.
The crystalline snow gleams on a cold wintry day.
As chapels soft, echoing bells linger in the valley.
Luminous icicles hang from roof tops,
Dripping drops of water.
As the sun threatens to destroy beauty.
Which should be frozen in time.
Light trickles through the clouds.
And so begins, the journey to destruction.

Yet, under all this ice and snow,
The earth still breathes.
And days follow with brilliant sun.
Spring reappears and brings with it,
New life, new hope, new beginnings.
Buds open up to a new life.
And blooms gently turn their faces towards the sun.
Trees burst forth their new leaves of golden green.
And grass revives lush and thick.
This universe. Such wonders to behold.

Floria
Copyright ©2001


[This message has been edited by strbbux (12-26-2001 09:28 PM).]

© Copyright 2001 Floria Kelderhouse - All Rights Reserved
Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296
Michigan
1 posted 2001-12-30 05:47 PM


This poem grabbed me immediately, Floria...
especially these lines

"Dripping drops of water.
As the sun threatens to destroy beauty.
Which should be frozen in time.
Light trickles through the clouds.
And so begins, the journey to destruction."

Today, as I gazed out my windows here in Michigan...this is exactly the scene that I saw.

I have similar problems with free verse, and I have also always wanted to write it well, so I understand your desire here.
I think that one thing that might help would be to not capitalize the beginning of each line and also to not place a period at the end of each line.
It might be better to let the poem float freely on the page without any punctuation.

Another comment I have is that in this part of the poem

"Spring reappears and brings with it,
New life, new hope, new beginnings.
Buds open up to a new life"

you used the word "life" in 2 consecutive lines.  You might try substituting another word for one of them, as it add some more depth to the poem.

I hope I have helped a bit.

copyright2001 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

2 posted 2001-12-30 07:23 PM


Madame, you have helped me tremendously. and that is what I was looking for. Some good input and I do thank you so very much for you comments. I so appreciate when someone will take the time to share their knowledge with me. It is so very helpful. thank you and a very happy new year to you.Floria
Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Seasons Of Change,,, please critique

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary