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Passions in Poetry

Water and Wind (rewrite)

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Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


0 posted 12-24-2001 07:52 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Brad


I hear the wind whose words are low
Beneath the sound of the river flow
But rivers and waters don't pass near
And life doesn't explode here.

I thought they moved the leaves, I thought
They moved the wind a half-tone higher
I thought they singed the leaves
With gasoline fire.

A half-tone higher than it was before
I hear the wind whose words are low
Beneath the sound of the river flow
A half-tone higher than it was before.

With gasoline fire
I thought they singed the leaves
And moved the wind a half-tone higher,
I thought they moved the leaves, I thought,

"But life doesn't explode here
And rivers and waters don't pass near,
But in the sound of the river flow,
I hear the words whose wind we sow."

© Copyright 2001 Brad - All Rights Reserved
Shou-Lao
Member
since 10-12-2001
Posts 101


1 posted 12-24-2001 09:39 PM       View Profile for Shou-Lao   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Shou-Lao


Nice use symmetry here Brad, I re-read the first draft and have to say I prefer this one.

One question, have you contemplated compounding the symmetry by completely repeating the end words top to bottom?

Low
Flow
Near
Hear
Thought
Higher
Leaves
Fire
Before
Low
(Flow) Low
Before
Fire
Leaves
Higher
Thought
Hear
Near
Flow
Sow) Low

I know it would be the equivalent of word origami trying to make sure it made sense grammatically at the same time but it might be worth a thought.  
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


2 posted 12-26-2001 01:11 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Hey Brad,

I also like this version better. The last 2 stanzas replacing one from the original really brings it full circle. I wonder if you have created a new form here? Or maybe it should be.

I really don't see anything to change. Oh, I know I would usually complain about the inconsistent rhythm but it is obvious that you intended it in this case. I think that works with the varied rhyme scheme. Actually, the reason I usually complain about inconsistent meter is when it is obvious that the writer didn't realize it in a rhyming poem. Does that make any sense?

Thanks,
Pete
strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


3 posted 12-26-2001 10:52 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Brad, I love this. I so loved reading it and could read it over and over. It keeps the reader interested. floria
lizzyluv
Member
since 12-27-2001
Posts 53
nh, usa. we suck.


4 posted 12-27-2001 09:53 PM       View Profile for lizzyluv   Email lizzyluv   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lizzyluv

i really liked this. it was interesting, and your voice is very lyrical and strong. your imagry and intent are clear and there's nothing i can find to critisize, which is rare. i like the flow and the concept.  it's beautiful.

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

 
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