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Passions in Poetry

Lessons of Love

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CondorSey
Junior Member
since 12-24-2001
Posts 29
Dam-Nation


0 posted 12-24-2001 06:18 PM       View Profile for CondorSey   Email CondorSey   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for CondorSey

What is love, I would often ask,
A life open and free, without mask.
Never having known what could be,
I continued on, wild and free.
Thinking I knew, what love is,
How wrong I, until your kiss.
Happiness and bliss, true of heart,
Joyous days, you teach pain also a part.

Open and true, sharing my soul,
Not afraid, weakness I can show.
Honesty, devotion, pure in deed,
Respect, understanding, love shall need.
You're all that is beautiful and dear,
Fill me with love, secure when near.
I cherish and honor you to heavens above,
Because of you, I now know what is love.

Let's put the FUN back into Dysfunctional.

© Copyright 2001 Condor Sey - All Rights Reserved
Shou-Lao
Member
since 10-12-2001
Posts 101


1 posted 12-24-2001 07:30 PM       View Profile for Shou-Lao   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Shou-Lao

You’ve picked a hard subject to write about, everybody tries it at some point but very few actually succeed in rhyming form, generally for the same reasons your piece doesn’t quite work.

The first is a lack of interest on the readers part, you need to make the reader WANT to know what your talking about. Love poetry has been done a million times in a thousand different forms, to get the reader to read it you have to try and do it a little differently. Your poem tends to read like a list of plus points driven by the need to hit the target laid out by your rhyme scheme, once you get sucked into chasing rhyme you invariably end up with lines like:

“Joyous days, you teach pain also a part”

I think I know what happened here, you wanted to get across the point that pain can be a part of love and at the same time you needed to find a word that rhymed with heart, right? If you look at the line you’ve managed both, unfortunately while fulfilling the criteria on both counts it has produced a line that makes little sense.

That’s the bad news, the good news is that you can fix it, if you can’t find a good word that rhymes with “heart” then change it, rewording the line that’s causing the problem does two things:

1 It makes you think about what you actually want to say
2 It allows you reconstruct the line so that the next line is easier to write

Here’s an example:

I walked slowly into town
To buy some shoes of green or brown

I just wanted some new footwear, but the word town restricts the next line and forces me to go off theme, I can fix that AND make it (slightly) more interesting at the same time by changing the word line that contains town.

To market, I without a care
Set forth to purchase new footwear

There’s another trick in this too, did you notice how I made the second line a continuation of the first? This device softens the rhyme, the end of a line doesn’t have to be a breakpoint in the poem, if it is you run the risk of highlighting the rhyme or even worse producing a poem that reads like a list.

Thanks for the chance to reply

[This message has been edited by Shou-Lao (12-24-2001 07:34 PM).]

CondorSey
Junior Member
since 12-24-2001
Posts 29
Dam-Nation


2 posted 12-26-2001 10:23 PM       View Profile for CondorSey   Email CondorSey   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for CondorSey

Thanx for reading my poem and helping.  It's interesting that you picked up on the line that gave me the most trouble and I was least satisfied with.  I wanted to work the "pain is a part" (or something similar) into the piece and made several dozen revisions to force it to work.


I appreciate you explaining how the lines could be better, but do you have any suggestions for this piece?  

Anything else that needs re-working?  I really want this one to read well.

Let's put the FUN back into Dysfunctional.

Englishpoet
Member
since 12-18-2001
Posts 54
Birmingham, England


3 posted 12-27-2001 12:23 AM       View Profile for Englishpoet   Email Englishpoet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Englishpoet's Home Page   View IP for Englishpoet

Hi
I like this poem. I know love poetry is hard to write as good as great poets of the past, but when it's from the heart it reaches it's mark. Your poem did that for me. Well done.
Asif

strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


4 posted 12-27-2001 08:54 AM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

I really enjoyed this poem. I find love poems difficult to write. You did well with this one.Floria
Opeth
Member Elite
since 12-13-2001
Posts 2224
The Ravines


5 posted 12-27-2001 12:59 PM       View Profile for Opeth   Email Opeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Opeth

First let me say that I do believe your quote at the bottom was taken from the Simpsons, my favorite tv show...cool

What is love, I would often ask,
A life open and free, without mask.
So...love is an open and free life?
Never having known what could be,
I continued on, wild and free.
Thinking I knew, what love is,
How wrong I, "How wrong I" does not make sense. Did you mean to say, "How wrong I was?" until your kiss.
Happiness and bliss, true of heart,
Joyous days, you teach pain also a part.
the cadence is off slightly here.
Open and true, sharing my soul,
Not afraid, weakness I can show. Soul/show doesn't rhyme
Honesty, devotion, pure in deed,
Respect, understanding, love shall need. Love needs those things?
You're all that is beautiful and dear,
Fill me with love, secure when near.
I cherish and honor you to heavens above,
Because of you, I now know what is love.

I enjoyed the ending. Overall, I think that this is good poetry...needs a little work.
lizzyluv
Member
since 12-27-2001
Posts 53
nh, usa. we suck.


6 posted 12-27-2001 09:44 PM       View Profile for lizzyluv   Email lizzyluv   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lizzyluv

uh, i like your signature quote. there's not much else i can say very posatively. i skipped other responses so i wan't influenced by the others. but i really have a hard time w/rhyme. and the rhymes here weren't very good, either. the naivity amuses me, but i can't tell if it's heartfelt or in the interest of rhyme. i think this could use some serious work, but you could definately take it somewhere.

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

CondorSey
Junior Member
since 12-24-2001
Posts 29
Dam-Nation


7 posted 12-27-2001 10:34 PM       View Profile for CondorSey   Email CondorSey   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for CondorSey

Thank you all for reading and commenting. I greatly apperciate your input.  I have reworked the poem and reposted it.  I would like to hear what you think of the changes.

I certainly agree, love poetry is very difficult topic and it has been done a thousand million times.  

I also think the closing line is the best part of this.

  
BTW, the signature line I use I 'borrowed' off a bumper sticker, though it does sound like a Homer Simpson line.

Let's put the FUN back into Dysfunctional.

 
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