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Passions in Poetry

A Scarlet Rose

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strbbux
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since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


0 posted 12-22-2001 04:01 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for strbbux

A Scarlet Rose

A scarlet rose that stands so tall,
And proudly shows her face to all,
Yet carefully you hold the stem,
Of thorns that hold the mighty gem.

Her face, soft folds of ruby hues,
So touch her gently if you choose.
A maiden glowing from within,
Her music sweet as violin.

Her petals gently falling now,
As she is fading, stem does bow.
Yet, thorns with strength they still remain,
Until the ending of her reign.

[This message has been edited by strbbux (12-22-2001 04:04 PM).]

© Copyright 2001 Floria Kelderhouse - All Rights Reserved
Englishpoet
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since 12-18-2001
Posts 54
Birmingham, England


1 posted 12-22-2001 05:48 PM       View Profile for Englishpoet   Email Englishpoet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Englishpoet's Home Page   View IP for Englishpoet

Dear Strbbux

I LOVE this poem. When I first read it I leaped out of my seat and went to tell everyone in the house what a wonderful poem this is.


First stanza is perfect.

The second is not bad.

My suggestion for the last is as follows.

Her petals softly fall now,
As she fades, ashamed stems bow.
Arrogant thorns in strength remain,
Long after the ending of her reign.

Asif

strbbux
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since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


2 posted 12-23-2001 12:19 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Thank you so much Asif,, these are busy days, I had tried to answer earlier. I am going to work on this when I am in a quiet state of mind.. will let you know how it turned out.. thanks for all your help dear friend.. strbbux
strbbux
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since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


3 posted 12-23-2001 12:43 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Asif, this is my first rewrite,, I do have a few questions for you if you don't mind.
The last verse I took your advise. I can see the arrogance of the thorns to remain, but I am wondering why the stem is " ashamed " I am not too sure about that. could maybe
" saddened" be used here?
I also made some changes to the last two lines of the second verse. what do you think ? Thank you for all your help.
strbbux  

A Scarlet Rose

A scarlet rose that stands so tall,
And proudly shows her face to all,
Yet carefully you hold the stem,
Of thorns that hold the mighty gem.

Her face, soft folds of ruby hues,
So touch her gently if you choose.
A maiden, she glows from within,
Her melody sweet as violin.

Her petals softly fall now,
As she fades, ashamed stems bow.
Arrogant thorns in strength remain,
Long after the ending of her reign.

Not A Poet
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since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


4 posted 12-24-2001 01:05 AM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Strbbux, I think you have destroyed the rhythm in the revision. I thought the original was pretty good but there were a couple of things I would suggest you revisit.

In the first stanza, I don't understand might a an adjective modifying gem. I think you can find something which feels more apropriate.

Second stanza, a violin is not sweet, only its music may be. A minor rewording there might help.

Finally, third stanza, "stem does bow", is unusual wording. It seems almost too obvious that you are just sticking it in that way to satisfy the meter. Nothing else in the poem is worded that way so I would like to see you change that.

Give a little more thought to each of the above and I think you might see a good improvement.

Thanks,
Pete
Englishpoet
Member
since 12-18-2001
Posts 54
Birmingham, England


5 posted 12-24-2001 09:09 AM       View Profile for Englishpoet   Email Englishpoet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Englishpoet's Home Page   View IP for Englishpoet

Hi

I think Peter's comments are correct - may be I have led you astray. Give it a closer look.

My only comment is that I agree with you that
"As she fades, ashamed stems bow" may be not right.  You could say:
As she fades, in sorrow stems bow.
Asif

strbbux
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since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


6 posted 12-24-2001 09:34 AM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

How could I ever go wrong with all this wonderful help. I hope you know Pete and Asif how very much I appreciate all your help.. this is how to become a better writer. When you write from the heart, then another poet "sees" something that you have missed...You guys are great. I so appreciate all your help and I will look at all of these things closely and give it my best... A thank you and a very Merry Christmas to you both, Pete and Asif...floria
strbbux
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since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


7 posted 12-24-2001 01:37 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

I continue to work on this and make changes because I really like this poem, I do appreciate all the help so please, at no time withdraw your comments..especially
Pete as these changes are from your comments and also Asif as you have helped me a lot. thank you both, Here is yet another versio..we'll get there yet.   Floria


A Scarlet Rose

A scarlet rose that stands so tall,
And proudly shows her face to all,
Yet carefully you hold the stem,
Of thorns that hold this lovely gem.

Her face, soft folds of ruby hues,
So touch her gently if you choose.
A maiden glowing from within,
Like sweet music of a violin.

Her petals gently falling now,
As she is fading, stem sadly bows.
Yet, thorns with strength they still remain,
Until the ending of her reign.
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


8 posted 12-26-2001 12:55 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

See what you think of this minor modification to the last part.

Her face, soft folds of ruby hues,
So touch her gently if you choose.
A maiden glowing from within,
Sweet music of a violin.

Her petals gently falling now,
And as she fades, stem sadly bows.
Yet, thorns with strength may still remain,
Until the ending of her reign.

Does that make the flow smoother and the meter more consistent?

Thanks,
Pete


  


strbbux
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since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


9 posted 12-26-2001 05:41 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Yes it certainly does Pete,, it is so much smoother and I had thought there was one too many syllables in the last line of the middle verse but I wasn't sure... this is fantastic.  And the changes of the few words in the last verse really helped this flow better.Thanks for all you help poet pete. Hmmm think we need to rename you.. "The poet pete"  and perhaps I should rename me "not a poet" LOL thanks pete. this is great. I so appreciate all the lessons this brings me.Floria
Opeth
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since 12-13-2001
Posts 2224
The Ravines


10 posted 12-27-2001 01:06 PM       View Profile for Opeth   Email Opeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Opeth

I don't appreciate it when others try to re-write my poetry, I believe that to be rude and disrespectful, even if unintentional.

Of course, if one asks for help in rewriting, that is different then...

But let me advise you this...Don't ever let another influence you to change what you have written (and I am talking about complete stanza rewrites) because you may feel inferior, or to shy to tell them to rewrite their own work.

Your original 3rd verse had a much better flow/rhythm than what was proposed. I enjoyed reading your poetry. I have one question...Do you purposely capitalize each line, even when it does not require capitalization?



[This message has been edited by Opeth (12-27-2001 01:08 PM).]

strbbux
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since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


11 posted 12-27-2001 01:18 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Thanks for the input Opeth.. I always capitalize the beginning of each line. I think it looks better but I may be totally wrong. Am I? I would like to know..this is a great learning experience being on this board.. And as far as anyone rewriting for me, Then are you saying that you like the original version and saw nothing wrong with it in structure, form or rhyme? This is what helps me as a poet. I just don't trust my work sometimes. And when I get feedback that sounds good, I always accept it. I guess I am not strong enough to believe in my writing yet. What do you suggest for me? You see, this is what is difficult. When I post and ask for critique , which I want, and I get several replies, I am never sure which way to go.  I certainly don't want to hurt anyones feelings. There are a lot of cruel boards out there and this is not one of them. So I do get confused. I so appreciate your comments and look forward to a reply if you have one. I just never know exactly what to do.. So again I ask, did you prefer my original version as is? thanks again, Regards, Floria
Opeth
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since 12-13-2001
Posts 2224
The Ravines


12 posted 12-27-2001 01:41 PM       View Profile for Opeth   Email Opeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Opeth


"Thanks for the input Opeth.. I always capitalize the beginning of each line. I think it looks better but I may be totally wrong. Am I?


- Some would say yes, others would say no, I just wasn't sure if it was intentional or not.

"I would like to know..this is a great learning experience being on this board.. And as far as anyone rewriting for me, Then are you saying that you like the original version and saw nothing wrong with it in structure, form or rhyme?"


- No, I am not saying that. I think the one titled "I Am Not a Poet" put it best. I just think that it is disrespectful for somebody to rewrite another's poem. In this case, your particular cadence/rhythm was much better than the suggested rewrite.

"This is what helps me as a poet. I just don't trust my work sometimes. And when I get feedback that sounds good, I always accept it. I guess I am not strong enough to believe in my writing yet. What do you suggest for me?"


- Start trusting yourself more often and when given feedback that is factual, that is not an attempt to rewrite your mind, take your time and see if you can better your work.

Good luck, Floria. Your poem, I thought, was very good...it just needs some grammatical changes...and those changes should come from within yourself.

strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


13 posted 12-27-2001 01:59 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

Opeth, I sincerely thank you for taking the time to respond. You are kind.I will try to always remember your advice. Thanks Floria
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