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Passions in Poetry

Natures Law

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OLIAS
Senior Member
since 06-20-2000
Posts 1031
Pearl city Iowa


0 posted 12-21-2001 11:08 PM       View Profile for OLIAS   Email OLIAS   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for OLIAS

This is a repost from open I did a while ago, I'm still not happy with it, guess I'm just looking for a fresh perspective, grateful for any suggestions.


Natures Law

Slumped in the singles bar,
my favourite hyde of anonymity,
I surveyed the marble serenghetti,
the herd of hearts grazing before me.
Humming birds flitting from frying pan to fire,
bewildered wilderbeast, drowning in cocktailed waterholes,
and versace clad vultures, preening and posturing,
twenty two carat talons, perched high on chrome pedestals,
looking for prey.


Intrigue,
one lone predator breaks,
wheels around the room, eyes bourbon bright,
prey spotted,
injured from neglect, bleeding from lost love,
dying for affection.
In a flurry of gold cards and silk, the strike,
predator and prey gone,
half an hour later, a flapping of cell phones,
the rest, licentiously picking over the bones of machismo.

Olias.



Copyright 2001 OLIAS - All Rights Reserved


© Copyright 2001 Mick Yates - All Rights Reserved
Tony Di Bart
Member
since 01-26-2000
Posts 163
Toronto, Canada


1 posted 12-25-2001 07:50 PM       View Profile for Tony Di Bart   Email Tony Di Bart   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Tony Di Bart

Hello

This poem reminds of a poem that I wrote years ago.  The similiarities are scary.  I will have to look for it and e-mail it to you.  

Great read.  
Pilgrimage
Member Elite
since 12-04-2001
Posts 3905
Texas, USA


2 posted 12-26-2001 10:31 PM       View Profile for Pilgrimage   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Pilgrimage

Dear OLIAS,
Okay. I like this. I don't know enough about desert dwellers to critique it much. I liked all the images you presented except the hummingbirds flitting from frying pan to fire. I think you should try to find something more hummingbirdy for them to flit to. I'll give it some thought, and if I think of something worthy of the rest of the poem, I'll get back to you. Don't hold your breath though-it would take something special to do justice to the rest of it.

Nan

OLIAS
Senior Member
since 06-20-2000
Posts 1031
Pearl city Iowa


3 posted 12-29-2001 04:16 PM       View Profile for OLIAS   Email OLIAS   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for OLIAS

Tony Di Bart,

I would be very interested to read your poem if you can find it, Thank you for your reply.

Pilgrimage,
I think your right about the hummingbird line, It is out of character with the rest of the piece, I will work on it, Thank you for your valuable input and taking the time to read.

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply to you both the holidays have been getting on top of me.

Regards and Thank you to you both.
Olias.
 
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