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strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

0 posted 2001-12-19 12:50 PM

Crystal Teardrops

As my tears cascade down,
Falling to the ground, they shatter.
In a stream of gleaming sadness,
Crystal teardrops do not splatter.

They are heavy in my eyes,
I can't help but see them fall.
As they crash into each other,
Breaking up I watch them all.

I tried to take my hand and catch them,
Before they made a crashing sound.
But as they slipped right through my fingers,
My teardrops shattered to the ground.

As my eyes filled up with tears,
They began to quickly flow.
Only as they fell down crashing,
Did my crystal tears now glow.

Now their dripping out of me,
Cold and icy as could be.
Crystal teardrops falling slowly,
Finally now they are set free.

While I sweep them in a pile,
They glimmer in the bright sunlight.
Then I catch one on my finger,
Blood so red, I'm in such fright.

They are still a part of me,
Even though they've shattered so.
They will never be set free,
Crystal teardrops sorrow show.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2001-12-19 03:21 PM

Hi strbbux,

Just have a minute to welcome you to the forum. I see you have been busy commenting on other's work and we all appreciate that effort. I'll try to get back later. Meanwhile I expect you will get comments from some others.

Check your email.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

2 posted 2001-12-19 04:06 PM

Welcome to Passions, I haven't been in critical a. lately and just read this. I have a terrible migraine but I love the piece and will return later with a few suggestions ok?

glad you are here

Kathleen (Kay)
"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

3 posted 2001-12-19 06:06 PM

Thank you not a poet for the warm welcome and the beautiful card, strbbux

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

4 posted 2001-12-19 06:06 PM

Thank you Irish Rose, hmm what a beautiful name, sounds like a poem coming into my head.. i look forward to your comments, whatever they are. strbbux

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

5 posted 2001-12-19 10:44 PM

Hi
This poem flows very well. I like it. I am going to read it again. Like the way you have described teats as crystals.

Asif

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

6 posted 2001-12-19 10:50 PM

Thank you english, i will take any critique as it is a great learning tool. strbbux

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

7 posted 2001-12-19 11:09 PM

Hi

Have you considered omitting "ing" from words such as falling, gleaming etc. It might give the poem a bit. Try it and see - do let me know what you decide.
Asif (englishpoet)

So your poem could go ...

As my tears cascade down,
Fall to the ground, they shatter.
In a stream, sadness gleams,
And crystal teardrops don't splatter.

They are heavy in my eyes,
I can't help but see them fall.
As they crash into each other,
And Break up, I watch them all.

Your last line is beautiful. You may try playing with rearranging words to see which fits best. eg.

Full of crystal sorrow teardrops show.

Best wishes
Asif (englishpoet)

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

8 posted 2001-12-20 09:14 AM

I love your suggestions english, I will work on this and let you know how it turns out. thank you so much for the input, you are very kind. strbbux

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

9 posted 2001-12-20 02:05 PM

English, I don't want you to think I am ignoring you, I am going to work on my poem,I am a little on the sick side right now. flu,, I so appreciate your help and just looking at what you suggested it seems the poem would be so polished,,I am going to take your advice. It will just have to wait till my fever goes down and I feel better. a few days.. thanks again. I so so appreciate any help I can get..strbbux

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

10 posted 2001-12-20 06:17 PM

HI English Poet, I had some quiet time today and I worked on this and I am wondering your opionion...did I fix it, Or make it worse, I am a fairly new writer so it is hard for me to critique my own work.. thanks so much..
I also loved the last line and had a bit of trouble with it, I didnt want to lose any thing there so please let me know what you think..

Crystal Teardrops

As my tears cascade down,
Fall to the ground, they shatter.
In a stream, sadness gleams,
And crystal teardrops don't splatter.

They are heavy in my eyes,
I can't help but see them fall.
As they crash into each other,
And Break up, I watch them all.
I try to take my hand and catch them,
Before they crash to make a sound.
But as they slip right through my fingers,
My teardrops shatter to the ground.

As my eyes fill up with tears,
And begin to quickly flow.
Only as they fall to crash,
Do my crystal tears now glow.

And so, they drip out of me,
Cold and icy as could be.
Crystal teardrops fall so slowly,
Finally now I set them free.

Yet, while I sweep them in a pile,
They glimmer in the bright sunlight.
Then I catch one on my finger,
Blood so red, I'm in such fright.

Sadly they're still part of me,
Even though they've shattered so.
They will never be set free,
Crystal teardrops such sorrow show.

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

11 posted 2001-12-20 06:21 PM

"And so they drip from me"------that's what I am seeing here that I should have written,, also I did have the stanza's set apart but somehow when I copied and pasted two of them came together, Oh my,, my flu is getting to me. thanks english..

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

12 posted 2001-12-21 07:10 AM

Hi Strbbux

Hope your flu is over and you are back to high life.

Your poem reads well - don't you agree.

As my eyes fill up with tears,
And begin to quickly flow.
Only as they fall to crash,
Do my crystal tears now glow.

How about omitting "now"

And so, they drip out of me,
Cold and icy could be.
Crystal teardrops fall so slowly,
Finally now I set them free.

Might want to use some other phrase that "could be" How about: "Cold and icy white fairy"

Yet, while I sweep them in a pile,
They glimmer in the bright sunlight.
Then I catch one on my finger,
Blood so red, I'm in such fright.

Love it.

Sadly they're still part of me,
Even though they've shattered so.
They will never be set free,
Crystal teardrops such sorrow show.

Last line: Crystal teardrops. Love of sorrow.

Asif

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

13 posted 2001-12-21 08:40 AM

Hi

Last line: crystal teardrops full of sorrow.

What do you think?
Asif

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

14 posted 2001-12-21 09:16 AM

English Poet..What do I think? I think you are a "poet" and a genius,, I thank you so much,,Now you see, it is people like you who help wannabe poets like me to keep on trudging along. I was on another forum and they called my work trash....tears flowed for days.. and I couldnt write..Yet I love constructive critisicm. Only way to learn...I hope you have the best Christmas ever, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Strbbux

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

15 posted 2001-12-22 11:00 AM

FINAL VERSION,,, thanks for all the help. I will still take comments on this one.

Crystal Teardrops

As my tears cascade down,
Fall to the ground, they shatter.
In a stream, of sadness gleams,
Crystal teardrops don't splatter.

They are heavy in my eyes,
I can't help but see them fall.
As they crash into each other,
And break up, I watch them all.

I try to take my hand and catch them,
Before they crash to make a sound.
But as they slip right through my fingers,
My teardrops shatter to the ground.

As my eyes fill up with tears,
And begin to quickly flow.
Only as they fall to crash,
Do my crystal teardrops glow.

And so, they drip out of me,
Cold and icy they be.
Crystal teardrops fall so slowly,
Finally now I set them free.

Yet, while I sweep them in a pile,
They glimmer in the bright sunlight.
Then I catch one on my finger,
Blood so red, I'm in such fright.

Sadly they're still part of me,
Even thought they've shattered so.
They will never be set free,
Crystal teardrops. Love of sorrow.

Strbbux

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

16 posted 2001-12-22 11:50 AM

Dear Strbbux
You are too kind. Your poem is very original and is near perfect. It captured me completely. I want to know this poet.
My only additions are just few words. Let me know that you think. Have a great Christmas. Is your flu over?
Asif

Crystal Teardrops

As my tears cascade down,
Fall to the ground and shatter.
In a stream sadness gleams
And Crystal teardrops don't splatter.

They are heavy in my eyes,
I can't help but see them fall.
As they crash into each other,
And break up, I watch them all.

I try to take my hand to catch them,
Before they fall to make a sound.
But as they slip right through my fingers,
My teardrops shatter to the ground.

As my eyes fill up with tears,
And begin to quickly flow.
Only as they fall to crash,
Do my crystal teardrops glow.

And so, they drip out of me,
Cold and icy they be.
Crystal teardrops fall so slowly,
Finally now I set them free.

Yet, while I sweep them in a pile,
They glimmer in the bright sunlight.
Then I catch one on my finger,
Blood so red, I'm in such fright.

Sadly they're still part of me,
Even thought they've shattered so.
They will never be set free,
Crystal teardrops. Love of sorrow.

Strbbux

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

17 posted 2001-12-22 12:25 PM

Well yes, my flu is over but has left me with a headcold that will not go away. Oh well, boxes of kleenex.
How can I thank you? Just a few words, and a few commas ( which I am horrible at) and it polishes up this poem completely. I am so happy with the results. I cannot tell you. This is now complete, I have made the changes, and I am completely happy with it.
I have only been writing about six or eight months. After my son passed away suddenly, I was tramatised, for months. Suddenly one day I sat down and wrote about him. Sad poems all of them.. Months later as I healed, as my writing certainly helped me to heal, I began writing other types of poetry. Of course the sadness stays with me, and so the tears and sadness....Have you gone to the previous board? I have one poem there I am curious about. it is Wintry Night... just wondering what you think of that...HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS.. and you have gifted me with your kind assistance. Floria( strbbux)

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

18 posted 2001-12-22 12:26 PM

OOPS so sorry the above message is for english poet.. asif.. strbbux

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