Jejudo, South Korea
Let's see how much of this I can get through:
I watched you slowly make your way around the room
--Pretty standard beginning. I've lost count of how many times I've started a poem like this. Believe it or not, I'm not sure that's such a bad thing; it sets up the scene, creates immediate questions for the reader, and generally gets someone to keep reading. It's not a grabber, but it's not a stopper either.
in friendly conversations with so many others there,
--I'm not sure why 'friendly' is necessary. I'd also think about dropping 'there'. You probably want to focus on the actual conversations or on the speaker's emphasis on 'others'.
your face perhaps a little red and splotchy,
--'splotchy' doesn't work for me and doesn't send the right message for the rest of the poem.
right eye and a corner of your mouth
drooping ever so slightly,
--I like this. I think the 'ever so slightly' actually adds to the feel here.
the obvious effects of too much gin.
--What about giving the speaker more of a voice here? This seems like dry description but what about trying to keep the same sound you get with 'ever so slightly' (the phonetic version of a half-smile if you will): "Ahhh, the gin and tonic in her hand." or something like that.
No my dear, you were not at your best and
--Not big on direct address but can you see how this and the 'slightly' line create a better effect if you work on the 'gin' line a bit more?
it had been such a long time and
I found myself almost able to think,
--not sure these lines are necessary.
yes, she is certainly still an attractive woman
but maybe not the goddess I always thought she was.
Could it have been just some magic spell after all?
--A little wordy but I think these fit the style.
I found no pleasure in that revelation,
only a small sense of satisfaction
that I might finally be slipping
out from under your spell.
--I think the speaker should keep talking to himself rather than describing what the thoughts were.
Then you started toward someone behind me
and I couldn't help but hope that
you might just stop to say hello,
--I think you missed a chance to build some tension here. Try to capture that moment where you think she's actually coming to you, and also the disappointment when she goes past you. You telegraph too much here in that first line.
but I didn't look around.
--This fits in pretty well, but I might drop the 'but.'
Suddenly, there you were,
draped over my shoulder,
whispering something in my ear,
--I like this part. I might drop 'something'.
your body pressed against my back.
I can still savor its imprint.
--Argy, aaah, uhhhh, this part is so key. Expand this, explore this point. C'mon, there's nothing quite like that moment when a women is barely touching you from behind, that wispy feeling just explodes on you (it does me), and it's for all intent and purposes impossible to play on because you can't talk about it, you're never quite sure if it's an accident or on purpose of if she know it's on accident or on purpose. Play on the whole flirtation without flirting moment here.
You said something
but, stunned, I was unable to speak.
--keep the balance here, drop 'stunned' and play with the speaking that means nothing, and the nothing that comes from not speaking.
It was an eternally long blank moment,
--Uh, don't you think this is overkill?
as if time stopped its relentless advance.
--nah, you don't need this.
It was at that moment I must have realized
you actually are that goddess I always adored.
--Okay, but I think you should try to parallel this line in some way, I'm not sure how yet, with the previous 'goddess' -- show a connection stylistically as well as plot-wise.
Then, as I still enjoyed the soft warmth
of your body pressing firmly against mine,
--So much potential is missed with these lines -- almost like you're afraid to re-experience that moment yourself.
with an unexpected quick kiss,
--okay, but I think you should go further and explore some of the same things I've mentioned with the behind pressure.
you were gone as suddenly as you had come
--I think direct would be better here. One 'suddenly' per poem is usually enough.
and I never really said anything at all.
--No, no, you said nothing. She said nothing at all.
Oh, there was so much I wanted to say
--We already know this.
but sadly, none of it would come out.
--You can play with this. I don't know, something like, "Where did my larynx go?"
I wanted to feel you touching me,
I wanted to return the kiss,
I wanted to hold you,
but it was too late,
you were gone,
--I feel like you're running out of steam here.
That's what I mean.
--I think this has a quality all its own here and drop that last line.
I like the scene and some of the minimalist lines but I don't think you've taken full account of what could be done here.
Play with it a bit more, don't forget the freedom that free verse can really give you. You might try metering it once, then putting back into free verse to see if it can pull you in new directions.