How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Critical Analysis #1 Archive
 Skirmish with the Tow
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Skirmish with the Tow

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 12-18-1999
Posts 1566


0 posted 11-24-2001 03:49 PM       View Profile for warmhrt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for warmhrt

Skirmish with the Tow

Lone, I sit, on the dock, legs dangling,
three feet above cobalt water moving deep;
I can feel its pull, am unsteady in my space,  
fearing it will take me.

Gulls beside, in back, scream, push me forward,
the water calls as it hits the poles anchoring the wood
planks upon which I sit...as boats slip past,
waves see-saw their way into the breakwall behind me,
then are slapped back into the river...
the dock shakes with the impact,
I quiver at the shaking.

A freighter's horn rises forlornly, deep and low,
as I watch pieces of flotsam, scraps of rubbish,
being pushed along, the river cleaning itself of
unwanted debris; I decide that I do not want
to be any part of that waste...
I pull myself up by my fear,
and walk away.

August 2001



"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu



[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 11-25-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


1 posted 11-25-2001 11:33 AM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

I like this.

I did have a bit of a problem with the first two lines:

'Lone, I sit, on the dock, legs dangling, three feet
above cobalt water moving deep; I can feel its pull,'

Maybe it's just me, but the line break confused me at first- I thought you were saying there were three feet dangling above the water until I realized that didn't make a whole lot of sense, and smoothed out the meaning in my head.   I think putting the line break before three feet would clarify.

Other than that confusion, I like this- it's a good, solid image, and the title comlements it really well.

"this is not who I meant to be
this is not how I meant to feel" -Ani DiFranco

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 12-18-1999
Posts 1566


2 posted 11-25-2001 12:13 PM       View Profile for warmhrt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for warmhrt

Hush,

Thanks....I agree wholeheartedly with your advice, and have edited to clarify. It does read a lot smoother now...thanks again.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

dreamer1 12 5 24
Member
since 12-11-2000
Posts 172
crossing between


3 posted 11-26-2001 09:53 PM       View Profile for dreamer1 12 5 24   Email dreamer1 12 5 24   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for dreamer1 12 5 24

warmhrt, I enjoyed this poem. I especially liked the first four lines, and the last two. Thanks for the great read.

dreamer

The day is brighter, but the dawn is sweetest.  

Anyone who thinks life is wonderful is going to be very disapointed when life takes off it's mask.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


4 posted 11-28-2001 08:39 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine


What about the break of: wood
planks

either bring one word down or put one up...and you may smooth that bit of a break out, too...
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 12-18-1999
Posts 1566


5 posted 11-29-2001 06:33 PM       View Profile for warmhrt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for warmhrt

dreamer,

Thanks so much for your kind words...always appreciated, as is constructive criticism. I think they both help a writer to achieve his/her best. Thanks again,

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 12-18-1999
Posts 1566


6 posted 11-29-2001 06:37 PM       View Profile for warmhrt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for warmhrt

Sunshine,

I don't think that one presents much of a problem, as this originally was written in the prose style of poetry. That line doesn't really leave you dangling like the other did.
That is only IMHO, of course. I thank you for your input, however, and appreciate your reading and commenting.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


7 posted 12-21-2001 02:12 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

I had no problem with this poem, I read it just as it was written and I understood every word and I love the piece, very expressive and a good write. strbbux
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


8 posted 12-21-2001 02:53 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Hey Kris,

Thanks to Strbbux for bumping this one back up. I guess I missed it the first time around. I like the way you have looked at the idea of suicide and then rejected it, ironically, not because it seemed the wrong thing to do or the coward's way as is so often said, but because fear caused you (the speaker that is) to back out.

As usual, it was well written but of course, this is Critical Analysis, and there are a couple of things which seemed out of place to me. First, I really enjoyed the image but I find it hard to imagine a river with freighters and flotsam that has cobalt water. I think something closer to tomato soup or diesel fuel would be more accurate.

Then in the second stanza, you refer to poles supporting the planks. While technically correct, they are preperly called pilings. Finally, in the same stanza, I believe breakwall should be seawall.

Thanks for an interesting read,

Pete
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 12-18-1999
Posts 1566


9 posted 12-23-2001 05:22 PM       View Profile for warmhrt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for warmhrt

strbbux,

Thank you for your very kind and complimentary words. I am so glad that you were able to comprehend and enjoy the poem.

Thanks again ,
Kris



"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

[This message has been edited by warmhrt (12-23-2001 05:25 PM).]

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 12-18-1999
Posts 1566


10 posted 12-23-2001 05:46 PM       View Profile for warmhrt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for warmhrt

Dear Pete,

How are you, old friend???? Hope all is well.

About the poem...it is actually not a poem about suicide, but about sitting on the edge of your life, and having to make choices. I was sitting on a small boardwalk, not a dock, when I wrote this, and the feelings were actually there. The water was deep, very deep, and dark blue (I live in Michigan, after all). When you sit on the edge of a dock or boardwalk...whatever, and the deep power of the water is flowing beneath you, you do feel physically drawn towards it. Seagulls were screaming...  and all of that gave me the idea for this poem. I did not write the last couple of lines till I had gone back to my room...after I had pulled myself up by my fear, unsteady in my space.

I defer to you that the poles are probably known as pilings, but don't think it matters in this work. Up here, we do call them breakwalls...

Thanks, Pete, for reading and for responding. Nice to hear from you. I wish you and yours a holiday season full of love, joy, and peace.

Merry Christmas ,
Kris



"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

[This message has been edited by warmhrt (12-23-2001 05:47 PM).]

warmhrt will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Critical Analysis #1 >> Skirmish with the Tow Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors