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Critical Analysis #1
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Pell
Member
since 2001-09-16
Posts 134
Pacific NW

0 posted 2001-11-23 08:37 PM



Something bugging me about this one., I`ve stared at it until I`m bleary, but I can`t quite figure out what it is (beyond changing a few prepositions)lol. Advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks for your time.


The Tide

I sense the tide is changing.
Receding need tossed upon disconsolate shore,
left to glisten under a pulling moon
and to wither beneath a new sun.
I feel you letting me go...

Roiling,
recoiled am I
on the swells of your ebbing attention.

Waiting,
weighted am I
by the barnacled stones of your silence.

Choking,
swallowed am I
in the shadowed vastness of my turbidity.

I am adrift, sinking.
I cannot fathom where we are.


© Copyright 2001 Melissa Frost - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2001-11-24 12:08 PM


For the most part, I really like this- good use of alliteration, interesting style. A few things:

'by the barnacled stones of your silence.'

To me, branacled sounds like more of a lighthearted word, like crochety- the negative connotation is there, but in a sort of Dr.-Seuss-describes-the-Grinch sense. If you could use some other condition induced by the sea... salty, algaed.... that sounds a little more solemn, the line might work better.

'Choking,
swallowed am I'

I have mixed feelings on this... it breaks from the tight pattern of alliteration, which is jarring, but I do like the interesting image of someone chaking being swallowed...

'in the shadowed vastness of my turbidity.'

This image is kind of foggy... especially compared to the others, which are pretty precise.

Other than these minor nitpicky things, I think this is a good solid poem... I enjoyed it.


"this is not who I meant to be
this is not how I meant to feel" -Ani DiFranco

Songbird
Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184
Missouri
2 posted 2001-11-24 11:47 AM


I really like the comparison you have given to the ocean and the changing relationship. I am not good at telling people why something might inprove their poetry.. but I do get a sense of how changing the sentence structure might help.. I like what you are saying here in the opening lines. Sometimes getting rid of unneeded verbs and using them as adjectives helps. This is what I came up with for the opening lines.. take it or leave it, just giving an example.

I sense the changing tide
Receding waters toss me
Upon a disolate shore
The pull of the moon
Deposits me upon glimmering sand
Leaving me to wither beneath a new sun
I feel you letting me go..

[This message has been edited by Songbird (edited 11-24-2001).]

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