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aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

0 posted 2001-11-20 10:39 PM

My bedroom is colored with a pink lipstick.
Looking across my pilliows is my dear dresser
Where I wear some pinkish powder on my cheeks.
I put on a pale blue dress which has some laces
As I stare at the pink oval shaped box on the table.
I open the box with a deep breath
And count the earrings you once gave me.
I pull out a string to hang them on;
For each pair of earrings I make a knot.
I place the string across the mirror,
Then suddenly the knots are gone.
The string breaks and sound of tear drops are everywhere.
I must not have tighten up the knots very well.
As I hear my tears I feel relief in my heart.

~The first two cup of tea is to throw away; what remains is the best of all.
~Blessed are those who find ordinary things extraordinary.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2001-11-22 01:16 AM

Don't humble yourself.

I like this. A nice simple poem with a simple image and message. There are a few things that didn't really work for me, though:

'across my pilliows '

-typo

'As I stare at the pink oval shaped box on the table.
I open the box with a deep breath'

-I like the image, but it seems a bit cluttered... I would omit 'shaped', oval is sufficient, and in the second line, 'it', or a different word altogether would probably work better than the repitition.

'have tighten up '

should this be tightened?

I think that maybe you could use synonyms in place of 'pink' and other repeated words- the simplicity is good, but the repetition gets... repetitive.

I also think that maybe putting an extra line break between the body of the poem and the last line as a dramatic pause would increase the impact some.

That said, I really enjoyed the tone and message of this.

"this is not who I meant to be
this is not how I meant to feel" -Ani DiFranco

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

2 posted 2001-12-01 09:01 PM

This is my take, I restructured some of the sentences and did some "filtering" I felt it was too wordy. I like the poem very much.

My bedroom is colored with a pink lipstick.
Looking across my pillows is my dresser
I'm wearing powder on my cheeks.
I put on a pale blue dress with laces
as I stare at the pink oval shaped box on the table.
I open it, taking a deep breath,
and count the earrings you once gave me.
I pull out a string to hang them on
and make a knot for each pair of earrings.
I place the string across the mirror,
Then suddenly the knots are gone.
The string breaks and sound of tear drops are everywhere.
I must not have tighten up the knots very well.
I feel relief in my heart as I hear the tears.

Kathleen (Kay)
"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee

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