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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
the water, pulling pushing propelling me downstream. the current is quick. i would hang on to something but the foundation i built for myself has crumbled. that is how i found myself here, in the water. the coldness of it numbs me, i am unfeeling, or so i believe. rocks. everywhere. the water, pushing me. pushing pushing into the rock, it breaks me. still numb on the outside, i hear a cry from somewhere deep inside me, a wailing against the pain. still rushing, still pulling, the water forces me on and on. I cannot stop the water. I cannot stop the numbness. I cannot stop the pain. Out of control I would appreciate help with a title. I thought of "water, numbness, pain" but I wasn't sure if it gave away too much... Input please? Thank you all. The day is brighter, but the dawn is sweetest. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Adam Everett - All Rights Reserved | |||
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Now that I've reread it again, I am also wondering if I should connect the 4th and 5th stanzas, and remove the double Enter. My other question was concerning the following lines. "the water pushing me pushing pushing into the rock, it breaks me." I was just wondering if its clear that the rock breaks the speaker, or if it sounds like the water is doing the breaking of the speaker. Thanks for the help. dreamer The day is brighter, but the dawn is sweetest. -Stacey Leonard [This message has been edited by dreamer1 12 5 24 (edited 11-16-2001).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think this has some potential- I like the style, but I think you could develop it more. The beginning lines are good- starting with a fragment like that can be tricky, but you pulled it off pretty well. For the most part, I like this... but I'm thinking you could add a little... some plot development... I'm interested, but I need a little more information before I'm going to really care that the speaker is being broken. He/she needs to tell me something in a way I've never heard it put before, do something that wins me to his/her side. In regards to your question, I think that the reader can interpret it being both the water and the rock... that the two opposing forces broke the speaker, not just one or the other... and I think that works well. "this is not who I meant to be |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Thank you hush!  I was getting worried that no one was going to reply...Thank you for your comment on the first lines, I try to write well... lol. I will see what I can do for the plot, and I will work on it. I will maybe post a revised version of it later, if it changes enough. As for whether the rock or the water breaks the speaker, I realised after I asked that it doesn't really matter, because whichever is more powerful to the reader is the interpretation the reader will receive. That works for me. Once again, thank you hush for your reply.  dreamer The day is brighter, but the dawn is sweetest. -Stacey Leonard [This message has been edited by dreamer1 12 5 24 (edited 11-20-2001).] |
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NapalmsConstantlyConfused
since 2001-05-15
Posts 529 |
maybe "fallen" since that's kind of the theme i got out of it, that you had fallen off the foundation you had built for yourself, and were being carried away and broken by the currents of other beliefs. or maybe, again, it's just me. either way a good write. -Dave |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Well, that's not the theme I intended... I'll have to work on that too. Yesss! Now I have something to do this weekend!I'm glad you liked it! dreamer The day is brighter, but the dawn is sweetest. |
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